Two Cows in Medieval Europe

[Jubal]

By Jubal

Welcome to a reprise of our Two Cows series, which takes the Two Cows theory and applies it. The core principle is to explain various philosophies by means of what happens to someone with two cows - often with a somewhat whimsical twist along the way. This time, welcome to the medieval world, with the European middle ages explained in the neatest, most bovine way possible!

We also have previous editions for Ancient Greece and the Byzantine Empire which you can peruse! For now, nonetheless, please enjoy discovering what a cow-centric world has in store for monks, peasants, and realms alike in the middle ages...


BENEDICTINES
You have two cows. You turn them into books.

BURGUNDY
You have two cows. They are on two different patches of land owned by different people, which you spend years trying to acquire and then join up so you can finally have your cows in the same damn place. By the time you finally succeed, the cows are on their last legs. You never get any milk.

CATHARISM
You have two cows. One embodies good, the other evil. The Albigensian crusade takes both and executes you.

CARTHUSIANS
You have two cows. You sternly forbid them to moo.

COURTLY ROMANCE
You have two cows. You leave them to find love and/or the holy grail. Your scheming relative betrays you and gets the milk.

DOMINICANS
You have two cows. You condemn them for heresy and beg for milk.

ENGLAND
You have two cows. One of them is in France for some reason.

FEUDALISM
Your lord grants you two cows in exchange for military service. You avoid providing the military service and/or steal your neighbour's cows. You keep a fortified cowshed so nobody can take your milk away.

FRANCE
You have two cows. You put them in very fancy armour. It turns out not to be longbow-proof.

FRANCISCANS
You have two cows. You give them up to the church and beg for milk.

IBERIA
You have two cows. Several other people have claims on both your cows for reasons of religion, history, etc. You have claims on several other people's cows for reasons of history, religion, etc. In the chaos nobody gets any milk.

ITALIAN CITIES
You have two cows. The commune gets one, the popolo gets the other, and you elect a cowherd from somewhere down the valley to tell you who gets the milk.

THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE
You have forty cows. Each one has a different cowherd, and most of the cowherds hate you.  You spend most of your time failing to persuade them to give you any milk.

MANORIALISM
You have two cows. You spend half your time tending your lord's cows. Your lord gets the milk from his cows, and half your milk as well.

NORMANDY
You have no cows. You go literally anywhere there's a break in someone else's fence and steal their milk, their cows, and their farmhouse for good measure.

THE PAPACY
You have two cows. You got them by promising people they would go to heaven if they gave you their cows. You keep doing this. Your divine right to all the milk goes unquestioned.

POLAND
You have two cows. You have to promise the Sejm half the milk to be allowed to keep them.

SCOTLAND
You have two cows. They get stolen by the bastard sassenachs.

SICILY
You have two cows. One of them is a camel. Someone from Germany, France, or Italy gets the milk for obscure dynastic reasons. 

THE TEMPLARS
You have two cows: people donated them to you for things you didn't have a lot of hand in doing. The King of France takes them away and executes you.

THE TEUTONIC ORDER
You promised that you would take two cows from the pagans. There are no pagans. You try to take cows from everyone just in case they are a pagan. You end up with no cows and no milk.

VENICE
You have two boats. You put other people's cows on them, take them away, and get them to pay you for the privilege. You have no idea how to actually herd cows. You take everyone's milk in the end anyway.

[Tar-Palantir]

The Swiss Confederation
You are all cowherds who live halfway up a mountain. All your cows technically belong to someone else, but you have the high ground and a lot of pointy farming implements, so you declare that they're all your cows now. You refuse to discuss any cow-based matters with anyone ever and kill anyone who doesn't get the hint, but you do try to sell them your cheese. How many cows you have is a secret but everyone knows it's a lot.

[dubsartur]

IRELAND: You steal two cows until someone across the bog steals them back.  The monks deplore this violence.  One day the Vikings / Normans / English take one of the cows and burn half the houses in the valley and say they will be back for the other cow next year.  The king says you should make him high king to fight the foreigners.  He is killed in battle and all of his wives find someone to keep them company.

[Jubal]

Nice additions But what happens to the milk in Ireland?

[dubsartur]

Nice additions But what happens to the milk in Ireland?

You drink it and turn it into cheese and curds to eat, obviously?  You are not some wheat-growing, barley-eating weirdo like the hated invaders.

[Tar-Palantir]

THE MONGOLS
You have thousands of livestock but no cows. However, the sky god has told you that everyone else's cows should be yours, so you embark on an intercontinental genocidal conquest spree to make it so. You then have all the cows. At which point, you fail to really see what's so great about them anyway, find out you don't like milk, and start a big family squabble about what to do now. Whilst you're distracted, everyone else takes their cows back quietly and you're back where you started. Except everyone else has guns now, so no more cows for you ever.

[Jubal]

THE MONGOLS
You have thousands of livestock but no cows. However, the sky god has told you that everyone else's cows should be yours, so you embark on an intercontinental genocidal conquest spree to make it so. You then have all the cows. At which point, you fail to really see what's so great about them anyway, find out you don't like milk, and start a big family squabble about what to do now. Whilst you're distracted, everyone else takes their cows back quietly and you're back where you started. Except everyone else has guns now, so no more cows for you ever.

Don't pre-empt the Two Cows Saiga Antelopes Steppe Edition!

[dubsartur]

Seriously, there do seem to have been times when people in Ireland and Brittany mostly ate milk products and tree nuts, and agriculture was pretty limited.