Exilian
Off-topic and Chatter: The Jolly Boar Inn => General Chatter - The Boozer => Topic started by: Goldyrulz on October 30, 2008, 07:47:02 PM
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This is a thread where you can post you funniest jokes!
please feel free!
I'll start off:
For all of you that don't watch TV or dont live in Britain, Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross recorded a very nasty message on an actor's telephone which was very rude. Brand resigned because of it and Ross has been suspended. The ironic thing is, Ross' new autobiography is called "why do i say these things"!
that was pretty bad and i made it up on the spot so anyone should be able to beat it!
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A man walked into a bar.
OUCH.
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A dyslexic man walked into a bra...
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Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To show his girlfriend he had guts...
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why did the dinosaur cross the road?
What road...
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This. is. PAINFUUUL!
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There was a man who lived in a large house with an even bigger garden. One day he bought a gorilla. The previous owner told him: "Feed him twice a day. He's calm and docile, but whatever you do, NEVER TOUCH HIM!" So the man took the gorilla home, and put him in a cage at the bottom of the garden.
Every morning after breakfast he would go out the back door, down the lawn path, round the fish pond, down the steps, through the orchard, past the flowerbeds, over the bridge, through a gate in the tall hedge, and feed the gorilla in his cage. And then he would come all the way back.
And again, in the evening, he would go down the path, round the pond, down the steps, though the orchard, past the flowerbeds, over the bridge, through the gate, feed the gorilla, and come back to the house for his supper.
After having done this for about a month, he stepped out one morning, and set off the feed the gorilla. It was a warm, sunny day and he was in a good mood as he strolled down the path, round the pond, whistling as he came down the steps, through the orchard, pausing to admire the flowers, then over the bridge, through the gate, and he gave the gorilla his food.
Watching the gorilla tuck in to the bananas, he thought to himself: "He seems friendly enough. I don't see why I shouldn't give him a little pat."
So he slipped his hand through the bars, and gently tapped the gorilla on the arm. Instantly, the gorilla leapt up and began to roar, raging, thrashing against the cage.
Terrified, the man ran throuh the gate and locked it, just as the gorilla burst through the iron bars. He sprinted over the bridge, past the flowers and into the orchard. Glancing back he saw the gorilla crash through the hedge and thunder after him over the bridge. The man ran out of the orchard and up the steps, round the pond.
The gorilla was hot on his heels, trampling straight over the flowerbeds, roaring through the orchard. The man ran up the garden path, dashed inside, locked and barred the door, and shot upstairs, just as the gorilla leapt up the steps, splashed through the pond, and lumbered across the lawn. Reaching the house, he simply ran staight through the wall, sending bricks flying.
Panicking, the man ran into the bathroom and locked the door. He climbed into the bath and hid trembling behind the show. He was silently invoking the name of ever blessed saint he could remember when the bathroom door was ripped off its hinges.
The gorilla squeezed in and rushed to the bath, wrenching off the shower curtain. The man could feel the gorilla's warm breath on his back. He closed his eyes, thinking "This is it, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die." The gorilla leaned down, his thick arms grasping.
He reached out a hand, and lightly tapped the man's shoulders.
"Tag," he said. "You're It."
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8|
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Kill me. Now.
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Bush with no power from January!
Thats a bit like Russell Brand without his telephone answer machine!
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ok:
A man walks into a bar with David Beckham.
They sit down and have a pint talking to the bar maid the usual stuff, afte a few more David decides he needs to do a p*** so he goes to the toilet.
When he came back his left leg was soaked and the man thought " what did he do?!"
A few more later he needs to go again, this time David comes back with his right leg wet. HE decided to ask why David was wet and David said:
Its not me! but every time I go to the toilet some guy spins round and shouts "Its David Beckham!"
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:blink:
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you i always wondered why the frisbee got bigger as it span through the air...
and then it hit me
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Ha! :D
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Heard it
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soup!bread roll! bring on the wall!
it funny ha...
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man walks under a bar...
LIMBO!
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Man; Mrs Thatcher, your governemnt was the second greatest gift from God to man in our history! The nation is hailing you even today as our saviour! We love you Mrs Thatcher!
Thatcher; I'm glad you think so.
Man; ...
Thatcher; Excuse me for enquiring, but what was in that case the greatest gift from God to Man?
Man; Sarcasm.
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Genius. :lol:
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hehe
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the best name for a boat.......
TITAN URANUS!
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hey i saw that one on tv
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Have I gt news for you, to be precise
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yeh i couldnt think what programme
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What pencil does Shakespeare use?
2B or not 2B
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*groan*
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AWFUL. JOKE.
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One liners suck.
That's why I wrote this over two lines.........
boom boom *groan*
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One day my light bulb blew out so I crossed the road to get a new one, but I wasnt looking where I was going because the traffic was going fast, so I walked into a bar.
This is when I saw my life was a big joke.
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*stabs own eyes out with rusty hooks*
EDIT: this was my 300th post? bugger.
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Its a lil bit cheesy I know, but hey it came from a christmas cracker
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Pretty good for a cracker joke, to be honest...
Celebrating Christmas early, are we?
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I like disassembling crackers taking outh the explosives and making little cracker-bombs :P
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I am going to florida again for christmas, so we decided to use up our christmas crackers for my nieces birthday.
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crackers
the greatest jokes about
i wish...
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What is the most confusing day of the year for a chav?
Fathers Day
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:lol:
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oooh BURN
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lol!
Soo... Once upon a hill, and on that hill there were 2 chimnies, a little chimney and a big one. One day there was a fire and smke started to come up from the house. Big chimney was ok but little chimney started to cough.
"I told you not to smoke until you are old enough" Said big chimney.
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lol! :lol: that a good 1
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You remind me of the sea
Because I'm wild, tempestuous and romantic?
No because you make me sick
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Polish man marries an American
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? I got proof.
What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
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A monk in India was driving along in his car when a dog runs out into the road. The monk, unable to brake quick enough, hits the dog and kills it.
Distraught, the monk then takes the dogs corpse in his arms and goes up to the door of the owner's house and knocks. When the owner opens it the monk says "I'm sorry, but it appears my Karma has run over your Dogma."
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Friendship is a lot like pissing yourself. Everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth.
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Two nuns in a bath. One says 'where's the soap?' The other says 'yes it does, doesn't it?'
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?i don't get it?
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If you don't get it, you probably shouldn't know. :P
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If you don't get it, you probably shouldn't know. :P
I... kinda....get... it.....
..... :blink:
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OHHHH NOOO! I JUST GOT IT! THAT IS JUST SICK!
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For those of you who don't get it...
This is a play on words. Instead of "Where's the soap?" It's meant to be "Wears the soap?" as the joke is that the nun doesn't use it to wash herself, but instead... inserts it in her person and this "Wears" the soap down, so the nun is saying that the 'insertion' wears the soap down and the other nun is agreeing.
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... sick
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... sick
not really funny either.
More like... "WTF perv"?
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Marcus, you've turned yourself into an antisocial pervert and you shall be lynched.
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Kinda crap joke.
How do you make Lady GaGa cry?
Poker Face!
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O O
___
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The joke wasn't mine, It's been around for as long as there were nuns and soap. I just told it to get your reactions. :P
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Well, no-one really got it till I explained
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What happens when you give a lawyer Viagra?
He gets taller!
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BLONDE JOKE!
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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I will gouge my eyes out if you tell another one like that.
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LOLZ. Why?
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Because the physical pain is better than the mental pain of knowing that such awful jokes exist.
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Well, no-one really got it till I explained
I did, I just didn't... elaborate..
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yeah Boyninja, some of us got it but didn't want to corrupt those who didn't
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Our motto: "Servo insons insontis"
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What do you call a Chav in a box?
Innit
What do you call a fat chav in a box?
Innit just
What do you call a chav in bank?
Safe
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Because the physical pain is better than the mental pain of knowing that such awful jokes exist.
Should totally be sig'd btw...
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"The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.""
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As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"
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Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully until the voices tell you which number to press.
If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have ADD, wander away from the phone and start another task.
If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, and mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you are manic-depressive and in the down phase, it doesn't matter which number you press, we will not answer, and if we do, we would not able to help you-and we charge an arm and a leg. If you are in the upper phase, then everything is fine and you don't need help (yet)-nor do we need our counselor listening to your endless chatter.
If you are paranoid-schizophrenic, watch out! The thing you are holding on the side of your head has just woke-up, and it is about to bite you head off.
If you are merely a neurotic mess or borderline, you have already pushed everybody's buttons so it doesn't matter which number you press-- no one will answer..
If you are a physically attractive nymphomaniac, please call my cell phone at 555-543-4353.
Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline. Your call is very unimportant to us.
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:D lmao
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If you are a physically attractive nymphomaniac, please call my cell phone at 555-543-4353.
:D lol
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How quality would it be if you actually got a call from someone like that in real life?
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it would be awesome
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Giggity Giggity Goo!
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Giggity Giggity Goo!
Look at your title.
You perv.
LETS BURN HIM!
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It was a joke. Can you please change it to something sensible?
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All you have to do to change it is click on "my profile" in your profile page and it's right there.
But yeah, you have to admit, that idea was brilliant, right?
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Thank you.
Anyway, so what if I have an unnaturally high attraction to females? It makes parties insteresting...
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the beach, the whales sang "We are family!"
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"
Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.
Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!
Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!
Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!
Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!
Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.
Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"
Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.
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and finally...
10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
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Yo mamma jokes are ancient and crap and should have been cast into the depths of hell over 100 years ago.
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Here's a joke:
Young Earth Creationists
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Heres another one:
CHRISTIANS
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Heres another one:
CHRISTIANS
Heres one
ATHEISTS
(I just insulted 75% of this forum)
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Don't get into religious mudslinging too much guys, while I'm atheist and so are a lot of people here not everyone is.
Instead target obvious idiots such as young-earth creationists, Jehoves, or other such groups.
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here's one:
"FREEDOM OF SPEECH" in the civilised world
oh and Mormons, how the f*ck do you loose and entire modern civilisation?
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Ok, nudists..
I never got that..
I mean... doesn't it hurt to run if your a guy....?
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extremists
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Here's one:
DEMOCRACY & LIBERTY
Seriously, we can't do what we want and we can't vote for who we want. My brothers going into politics and will change all that.
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Instead target obvious idiots such as young-earth creationists, Jehoves, or other such groups.
Jubal, I love your style of moderating!
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I moderate in the name of reason. ;)
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haha that's a good one Jubal,
you?
moderating?
name of reason?
lmao
.....
jk ur an awesome mod
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Revival of my own thread!
Man- I'd like to have an argument please.
Receptionist Certainly, sir. Have you been here before...?
Man- No, this is my first time.
Receptionist- I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man- Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist- Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man- Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK?
Receptionist- Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment ... Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory ... yes, try Mr. Barnard - Room 12.
Man- Thank you.
The man walks down a corridor. He opens door 12. There is a man at a desk.
Mr Barnard- (shouting) What do you want?
Man- Well I was told outside ...
Mr Barnard- Don't give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man- What!
Mr Barnard- Shut your festering gob you tit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous toffee-nosed malodorous pervert!
Man- Look! I came here for an argument.
Mr Barnard- (calmly) Oh! I'm sorry, this is abuse.
Man- Oh I see, that explains it.
Mr Barnard- No, you want room 12A next door.
Man- I see - sorry. (exits)
Mr Barnard- Not at all. (as he goes) Stupid git.
Outside 12A. The man knocks on the door.
Mr Vibrating - (from within) Come in.
The man enters the room. Mr Vibrating is sitting at a desk.
Man- Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating- I've told you once.
Man- No you haven't.
Mr Vibrating- Yes I have.
Man - When?
Mr Vibrating - Just now!
Man- No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating- Yes I did!
Man- Didn't.
Mr Vibrating- Did.
Man- Didn't.
Mr Vibrating- I'm telling you I did!
Man- You did not!
Mr Vibrating- I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
Man- Oh ... Just a five-minute one.
Mr Vibrating- Fine (makes a note of it; the man sists down) thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man- You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating- Now, let's get one thing quite clear. I most definitely told you!
Man- You did not.
Mr Vibrating- Yes I did.
Man- Didn't.
Mr Vibrating - Yes I did.
Man- Didn't.
Mr Vibrating- Yes I did!!
Man- Look, this isn't an argument.
Mr Vibrating- Yes it is.
Man- No it isn't, it's just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating- No it isn't.
Man- Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating- It is not.
Man- It is. You just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating- No I didn't.
Man- Ooh, you did!
Mr Vibrating- No, no, no, no, no.
Man- You did, just then.
Mr Vibrating- No, nonsense!
Man- Oh, look this is futile.
Mr Vibrating- No it isn't.
Man- I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating- No you didn't, you came here for an argument.
Man- Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction.
Mr Vibrating- It can be.
Man- No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements to establish a definite proposition.
Mr Vibrating- No it isn't.
Man- Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating- Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man- But it isn't just saying 'No it isn't'.
Mr Vibrating- Yes it is.
Man- No it isn't, Argument is an intellectual process ... contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Mr Vibrating- No it isn't.
Man- Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating- Not at all.
Man- Now look!
Mr Vibrating- (pressing the bell on his desk) That's it. Good morning.
Man- But I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating- Sorry the five minutes is up.
Man- That was never five minutes just now!
Mr Vibrating- I'm afraid it was.
Man- No it wasn't.
Mr Vibrating- I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Man- What!?
Mr Vibrating- If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man- But that was never five minutes just now ... oh Come on! (Vibrating looks round as though man was not there) This is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating- I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man- Oh. all right. (pays) There you are.
Mr Vibrating- Thank you.
Man- Well?.
Mr Vibrating- Well what?
Man- That was never five minutes just now.
Mr Vibrating- I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man- I've just paid.
Mr Vibrating- No you didn't.
Man- I did! I did! I did!
Mr Vibrating- No you didn't.
Man- Look I don't want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating- Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.
Man- Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing ... got you!
Mr Vibrating- No you haven't.
Man- Yes I have ... if you're arguing I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating- Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man- I've had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating- No you haven't.
Man- Oh shut up!
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shameless python rip off
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Whats black and white and then all of a sudden red?
They to guess this one. I'll wait for 2 guesses then give my answer.
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A penguin blushing
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the nun that pushed the other nun down the hill
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A zebra getting hit by a shotgun?
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Similarly a skunk in traffic.
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A 1950s comic strip that has recently transitioned from black and white to two-colour.
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Still waiting for your answer, Khan. :P [/necropost]
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A menstruating zebra crossing?
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An Aztec morning news paper?
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Only Debux could give an answer like that. :P
Border collie + large semi-trailer = something which was black and white, now red.
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XD I only just realize that you were all waiting for an answer. It's a penguin in a blender.
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wow a year for that punchline, the guessing was just as hilarious
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Life is like a box of chocolates. Everyone hates the turkish.
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Knock knock.
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Who's there?
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The Doctor.
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Doctor What?
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(http://cdn.meme.li/i/ohgy0.jpg)
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You called? Internet Lord at your service. ;D
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Doctor What?
The silence must fall when the question is asked.
Well done.
Well done. :D
(since I can't see the CG's link)
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It used to be this guy going "Doctor What?" because I was going to do that until Scarlet messed me up. :P
(http://i.imgflip.com/4exj.jpg)
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It used to be this guy going "Doctor What?" because I was going to do that until Scarlet messed me up. :P
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Hhhehehe. ;D
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How do you make a dead baby float? Take your foot off of it's head.
Also, what do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
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Oh good lord >_<
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What's the deal with airline food?
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I'm pretty sure they don't give you deals on airline food. :P