First say Breaking News! and issue a spontaneous news alert based on the topic the person above you gives. Proceed to set a random topic for the next anchorman/woman!
example:
Breaking news! Land sharks are actually land with shark parts and not the other way around!
On other news... Ferris wheels!
Breaking News! Ferris wheels everywhere have been breaking away from their moorings and all rolling towards a central point. Scientists are speculating that this may be their very rare mating season, which has come as welcome news to prospective funfair owners though other citizens are said to be "concerned" at the prospect of getting crushed under a giant metal wheel. The government has issued a statement appealing to people to remain calm and pointing out that it can't really be any worse than they were planning to do to people anyway.
In other news... Exilian!
Breaking News! Exilian has been hiding Its wealth for centuries, and now has a vast amount of treasures and priceless antiques, along with several fancy mansions!
Jubal, the current inheritor of the will of the late, great Exilious III will be launching a dig site right after the traditional Exilian celebrations!
In other news... space monkeys!
Breaking news! Professor Albrecht Von Stalheim of Nuln believes that he has conclusively proven that space monkeys "do not and cannot" exist. Questions have arisen about his work, however, with the publication still in progress and the professor himself apparently incommunicado. He was last seen going into his laboratory; nearby residents have reported a strange smell of burned bananas and an increase in UFO sightings in the area.
In other news, the International Tea Federation...
Breaking news! The ITF (Internation Tea Federation) has been accused of succumbing to Ice Tea. They, however, deny the fact fervently, saying that the claims are "outrageous lies", but there is a substantial amount of evidence supporting these claims. It is unknown whether the Ice Tea Confederacy will be pressing charges. Everyone is unsure if this will eventually go to court, but either way, the ITF has found themselves in a sticky situation.
In other news, APOCALYPSE!!
Breaking News! The apocalypse has gone into recievership after being unable to meet its major financial obligations. The company's spokesman, Pestilence, cited major new competitors in the world of imminent doom, noting that the Trump Organization had made several major moves that saw them better placed than the Apocalypse for future destructive potential, but also blaming imports of cheap nationalism flooding the European and American markets thanks to Russia's subsidy on the industry. It is thought that the organisation may be split up, with Famine likely to be wound down but several major buyers expressing interest in Death, which expanded its section business considerably in 2016.
In other news, highland cows :)
BREAKING NEWS, Highland cows are now stronger than ever as their children reach muscular feats that the finest of humanity could only dream of, putting us to shame in all of the olympics. It is being considered that these super cows were the beefy studs which Hitler was always striving to produce and confused their supremacy with that of the Aryan race!
These connections are being made all over the world as Highland Cows produce the evil technology that nazi scientists worked years on! This includes Death Rays, Time Machines, Stars of death (tested a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away to avoid consequences), flying saucers, swimming beakers, Armed tanks with interdimensional ammunition, jumbo jumbo jet planes, FTL space travel, The 37 keys of Tzeentch, The thousand whispers of slaanesh, The 12 plagues of nurgle, and last but not least the great axe of khorne!
In other news, SCIENCE HAS GONE TOO FAR
BREAKING NEWS, "science has gone too far" say respected group of senior cavemen on the news that boffins have discovered a new technology called "fire". Fire, according to its creators, has the potential for huge changes to the way society runs, even potentially including allowing heat and light to happen after the sun goes down or being used to make meat easier to eat. Today caveman leaders have expressed concern, though, that fire may be dangerous, producing fumes harmful to human health and potentially being used as an offensive weapon. It seems that the boffins may have taken one step too far this time, with the new discovery being slammed by Ung the Unclean as "unnecessary and wasteful" and suggesting that ordinary cave dwellers have had quite enough of so-called "experts" telling them how to run their lives when they know perfectly well how to hit things repeatedly with a rock.
In other news, New Zealand...
Breaking news! New Zealand renamed to "Zealand" after committee agrees that the country has ceased to be new.
Nearby neighbours new south wales have withdrawn their bid to be renamed South Wales, after south wales failed in their bid to be renamed old south wales. New York, New Hampshire and New Orleans amongst a number of other cities all have similar open petitions. Many have met the news of Zealand's successful bid with bitterness and even anger. One New Yorker described the person responsible for the change as a "putz" before reminding a taxi that he was walking there.
In other news: A torrent of baked beans
BREAKING NEWS, a torrent of baked beans has made history as being the first foodstuff to be illegally downloaded from the internet. BitTorrent, which will now be renamed BiteTorrent, is very excited by the new move, which was inspired by government anti-download ads starting with "YOU WOULDN'T DOWNLOAD BACON" to which a ton of people responded "yes, yes we would".
"And then we did and like suddenly BAKED BEANS" said an excited computer hacker. "BAKED BEANS MAN. And they just like spurted out the USB ports and everything. Totally blew out the hard drive but we're working on a tomato sauce proof hardware model. This is the future now."
Future plans for BiteTorrent include downloadable jam, chili sauce, and, controversially, hawaiian pizza.
In other news, a controversial cow farm...
A controversial cow farm has finally ceased it's failed attempts to create blue cheese by having the dairy cows eat blue grass.
Usually, blue cheese is created by adding certain moulds to certain cheeses. The new method, pioneered by Farmer Pennywrinkle, uses grass that appears blue since it has been watered with blue food colouring. It has caused controversy because the cows began to start to grow blue fur.
Ruth Radish, a local personality was most outspoken about the attempts, describing the endeavour as "monstrous", adding that "[the cows] are animals with dignity, not ruddy Smurfs".
Since the cheese the cows produced did not actually end up being any different, Farmer Pennywrinkle has given up trying to make blue cheese. We caught up to him outside his farm for comment:
"I'm not going to listen to that [redacted slur against Mrs. Radish], she clearly cannot appreciate my brilliant ideas. I think [the cows] look pretty cool anyway. I might not have made a blue cheese but I've got loads of other great ideas. For example, I've come up with a revolutionary idea about babybel cheeses, and it's going to be huge!"
He was unwilling to comment further, returning to his farm with a wheelbarrow full of red wax.
In other news: Origami
BREAKING NEWS: Origami has gone into administration for the fifth time. Fears over its liabilities, and a balance sheet described as "paper thin", have led to the latest move. It's unclear what the fate of the workforce will be, but the troubled giant has been here before many times and many employees see no difference likely in the future.
"The company just keeps folding," one worker said to Exilian News. "It's almost like it's all Origami is about."
Executives were approached for comment but instead sent a box of five hundred poorly made paper swans.
In other news: this thread...
BREAKING NEWS! This thread mistaken for actual thread by confused sewing enthusiasts.
In a recent gathering of the Needlecraft Association of Hampshire (NAH), attendees were horrified to discover that the cotton threads they were going to use to sew with were actually printouts of posts from this thread.
A report filed by an the Sewing & Crochet Action Bureau (SCAB), revealed that the source was a dimwitted intern. The report detailed that an intern, Keith, 27 from Andover, had been tasked with sourcing thread for the meet to use. To achieve this, the report revealed, he entered what he wanted to search for: "thread" into a search engine and clicked the first link he could see. However he had mistakenly managed to leave his previous search in search bar. Apparently he had previously been interested in "jolly games inn beer cellar breaking news". He went on to simply print off the whole thread, assuming that this fulfilled his instruction by the organiser to "get thread"
Catherine Sidebottom, 27 from Andover described the mistake as "Ridiculous"
"It's ridiculous" she told our reporters.
The chief organiser: head of NAH: Clive Brokenapple, 27 from Andover has been unavailable for comment.
In other news: A cat that looks like Elvis...
Breaking News! A cat that looks like Elvis has been making local dogs, especially hounds, cry to an unreasonable degree.
The cat is thought to have mocked local dogs' failure at the popular area sport of rabbit catching, and made classist remarks which have made dogs in the locality locally deeply upset.
"It's not true," said local pooch Muffins Fluffbobble in between sobs. "I am high class, and I wasn't lying. Judging me by my refusal to catch rabbits and engage in blood sports is just unacceptable in the twenty first century".
The cat responded by saying that Muffins wasn't no friend of his.
In other news, a Christmas tree...
BREAKING NEWS: Squirrels Decrypt Government Documents Using Chewed-Up Ikea Manuals
In a stunning turn of events, a band of particularly resourceful squirrels has cracked the government's most secure encryption protocols using nothing but discarded Ikea manuals. Apparently, the rodents found the labyrinthine instructions for assembling Billy bookcases strangely analogous to the byzantine algorithms guarding national secrets.
"It started with Earl," chirped Mr. Squigglesworth, a self-proclaimed spokesperson for the squirrel collective. "He was building a treehouse and noticed the diagrams looked oddly familiar. One thing led to another, and before you could say 'acorn artillery,' we were swapping chewed-up manuals for declassified drone blueprints."
It is unknown what the squirrels intentions are, or if they will be making demands. The government is yet to make a statement.
Breaking news! Area fakenewswriter fails to add "in other news" segment to the end of his post, leaving future posters baffled as to how to continue the Breaking News thread.
"There was just nothing there," said one horrified thread respondent, who declined to give his name for legal reasons and also for illegal reasons. "I was expecting more news, just a trailing line that I could use for the start of a falsified segment, but there was nothing there. Nothing at all. It was like staring into the endless void."
Initial investigations suggest that the rot in the Breaking News system could be caused by and affecting a number of senior members of Exilian, leading to concerns among the wider public that this might not be the last time someone takes the break in breaking news too literally. Administrators have asked the public not to panic, to report any concerns to the nonexistent moderation team, and to rest assured that reports of the rules of other forum games being breached will not affect regular forum members. Or indeed anything else whatsoever.
In other news, in the exciting world of caesar salads...
Breaking News! Grief about Leaf.
Prior to the annual caesar salad beauty contest, Edna Green, 81, accused her neighbour, Frederic Leaf, 90, of stealing her award-winning secret family dressing recipe known to inexplicably transform even the flabbiest wilting greens into delicious, exceptionally pretty salads. Leaf broke into Green's cottage climbing a bean trellis and managed to copy the secret ingredients from Green's recipe book. "He's a greedy scoundrel, old Leaf, and now a thief and swindler, too", Edna Green said, "I'm not surprised". Mr. Leaf was arrested after the police had positively identified his dental imprint on a piece of cheese that had fallen out of his pocket when he fled the crime scene. He refused to give a statement. Edna Green's caesar salad won the contest for the 25th time in as many years.
In other news... a sentient, sinister antique sewing machine.
Breaking news! A sentient, sinister antique sewing machine has been forced to deny multiple rumours that it is considering running for the leadership of Britain's Conservative party.
"I have no aims at that particular office," the machine said in its statement to the press on Monday. "Whilst I have long supported a return to the age of petticoated spinsters looking like haunted ghosts as they attempt to create elaborate fabric creations to make up for the crushing realities of pollution and social constraints, and I agree that the Conservatives are the party best places to make that reality, I want to be very clear that the time is not right for me to take up that mantle. Or those trouser legs."
Speculation, despite this, continues to abound. Some backbench MPs are thought to be considering endorsing the sewing machine anyway in order to bounce it into running, with one noting in a high tension thread on X (formerly Twitter) that "Labour will have the next election stitched up if we don't get running soon. We need to win back Hartlespool. I mean Hartlepool."
With a rapidly emerging field of contenders, some are asking whether a sewing machine who isn't in the House of Commons would be up to the task, with James Cleverly reported to be A/B testing attack lines against the machine including "we need a leader who can't be needled so easily" and "don't let us be hemmed in on policy".
One former minister, who asked not to be named, perhaps summed the situation up best.
"We're all waiting to see what platform it's going for, what its angle is, what stitch type it's using. It has some traditional views, but it's a lot more forward-thinking than Jacob Rees-Mogg was so we'll be able to play it as a modernising influence if we need to. And hey, at least it's not Liz Truss."
Now we move onto our next story - the Olympic heptathlon competition...
Breaking news! Local seamstress didn't know what "heptathlon" meant and looked it up, thus learning a New Thing. As her interest in sports and the Olympic games happens to be near zero, and despite thinking about it for a while, her brain unfortunately refused to come up with a witty new "breaking news" story involving the heptathletic competition. "Heptathlete is a funny word, though", she told our reporter.
In other news: A mysterious humming & glowing object, spotted in the night sky.
Breaking news! A mysterious humming & glowing object, spotted in the night sky, is under investigation for breaking quiet time regulations in Austria.
A variety of municipal ordinances may have been breached by the mysterious object, which is emitting a hum that resonates deep within the souls of all who hear it and, crucially in legal terms, is audible between the hours of 10pm and 6am even at weekends.
Some churches have issued concerns that the mysterious humming could be a harbinger of an oncoming apocalypse, and certain parliamentarians have been considering raising questions about alien invasion as a possibility - but for now, say residents of many villages in Lower Austria, the focus needs to be on ensuring that it recieves the same absolute force of legal response as the real threats in society, like people drinking late on a Friday night, guitarists, and lawnmower users.
In other news, we turn to unexpected outbreaks of pillow-fighting...
Breaking news! Unexpected outbreaks of pillow-fighting baffle Cornish town.
"I've never seen anything like it before", a witness said, "everyone beating each other up with pillows. Pillows! What horrid place has the world become?!" Indeed, no one would have thought it possible, but this morning at approximately 5 am the first panicked phone calls were coming in at the local police station. DCI Peter Cushion and two young constables arrived at the scene a few minutes later. "Mayhem, pure madness. I've seen a lot of grim stuff in my 30 years as a policeman, but this..." DCI Cushion's expression grows dark. "First we saw five individuals swinging those really big, really poufy pillows above their heads, and when we came closer and turned a corner, it was like a battlefield. Dozens of people fighting each other, some with sofa pillows, some with bolsters, one even wielded a cat bed." The pillow-fighting could only be stopped and the fighters questioned with the help of the special pillowfight force which was rushed in via helicopters. None of the fighters were able to make coherent statements, though. "I just... had... to fight...", one of them stammered, "I don't know why. Aaaargh!!" - Investigations are ongoing. Rumours about a strange alien smell wafting through the town hours before the outbreak remain unconfirmed.
In other news... an inexplicable decline in cheese sales.
Breaking news! An inexplicable decline in cheese sales is causing a major crash in the Cheese Analytics sector.
Cheese sales have been declining, and everyone knows it. Fewer people are going for cut-price cheddar, one-off wensleydale, and buy one get one free brie. The graphs are pointing down a whole half or even three quarters of a percent, and shockingly, nobody knows why.
Whilst the decline in cheese sales is actually minimal, the fact that nobody can explain it is causing companies to dramatically lose faith in their cheese analytics departments, which is uncovering a much bigger economic weakness: it turns out that up to forty percent of the workforce in some companies has become devoted to cheese analytics, cheese stock & share management, and cheese testing. Those companies are now shedding jobs, and it appears that recession is on the way.
A cheese analyst who was reached out to for comment made an inhuman noise which was either a cry of anguish or the name of a particularly unusual soft cow cheese from Cornwall: we would bring you an analysis of that, but our South West England cheese analyst has recently been fired.
In other news... "it's the Big One", they're saying in airports across Europe and Asia.
Breaking News! Mystery unsolved: "It's the Big One".
Strange sightings in the sky are being reported from airports across Europe and Asia. "It is... big!" one shocked pilot says, wide-eyed. "So d--n big. I've seen a bunch of crazy s--t up there, but nothing was as big." The co-pilot shudders: "Look at that, Harry, me says, the Big One! It's the Big One!" Many more witnesses confirm the strange story, but stranger still, no one seems to be able to tell what the mysterious Big One actually is or looks like. One of the Dutch stewards who were among the first ones reporting the incident speaks of a scaly iridescent beast, but no one believes him. So what is the truth? We'll probably never know.
In other news... the Poisonous Pumpkin Scandal of 1974, a cold case finally closed?
The Poisonous Pumpkin Scandal of 1974, a cold case finally closed?
The 1974 poisonous pumpkin crop were, by all accounts, placed into long-term cold storage in a deeply haphazard manner. Several resignations and a minor public outcry took place at the time, but the problem had remained unfixed until, recently, a new approach was tried.
Rather than using a hard box, a softer leather case has finally allowed several poisonous pumpkins to be placed into the thousand-year-long freeze where they await their presentation to Yh'surht'ghtor The Pumpkin Entity at the end of human time.
In other news, the otter priests are preparing for their once-a-decade pilgrimage...
Breaking news! Otter pilgrimage is otter-ly exciting.
The otter priests have assembled in the Temple of Otter Devotion, with many of them coming from all around Otteropolis for their once-a-decade pilgrimage up The Holy Stream to the mountains, where its mysterious well only known to initiates of the otter priesthood is located. Rumour has it that the well actually is a portal to an-otter realm - the priests never confirmed nor denied it, so this has to remain a mystery. The purpose of the pilgrimage however is widely known among the populace, as it is the same since forever: praying to The Otter Deity for abundant fish and exciting new TV shows.
In other news: For the first time in known history, a sheep is running for president.
Breaking news! For the first time in known history, a sheep is running for president.
The promises the sheep is giving include not fleecing the public on tax, 24 hour opening for baaaas, and plans to ram through a range of new legislation on areas of importance to the public. The sheep has promised to work across the aisle if elected, saying that there are good people among the farming community but that it doesn't want to work with mutton farmers specifically. It would also be the first female president, but has been avoiding mentioning the fact in case it puts off centrist voters.
It's still unclear how the sheep actually filed its nomination papers, and its opponents have already been alleging that it may be in the pocket of Big Satire and simply being used for base humour rather than being a serious candidate.
In other news: a gallant pixie has made headlines after a brave rescue...
Breaking news! Gallant pixie saves the day.
Yesterday at around 3 pm, loud rumbling noises echoed through the streets of Upper Doomburrow, and panicky screams soon followed. A thunder cloud had been stolen and magically tampered with, by entities yet unknown, and let loose above the village, targeting villagers and trying to lightning-zap them into oblivion. The police was unable to do anything since you can't arrest or shoot a cloud, and the fire brigade was too busy putting out small lightning-induced fires to think about anything else. So the cloud rumbled on, at one point threatening to zap local teacher Ms. Mary Hasbadluck who got stuck in a bush while trying to flee. But then, literally at the last moment, she was rescued by the owner of a nearby shop: Mr. Peter Peixie, commonly known as "Mister P", rushed to her aid, and the two were able to flee into his shop before the cloud could even react. Since Mister P happens to be a pixie in possession of some magical abilities, he then proceeded to analyse the threat using his pixie-radar, and, soon having found the spell that originally transformed the cloud into a rumbling menace, successfully transform it back into a normal cloud. While the villagers were cheering, the cloud evaporated, looking ashamed of itself.
In other news: Previously unknown species of mushroom discovered - what that means, and why you should probably not eat it.
BREAKING NEWS! Previously unknown species of mushroom discovered - what that means, and why you should probably not eat it.
Firstly, from our correspondent, what "previously unknown species of mushroom discovered" means. Previously is a word referring to the past, indicating something has changed - and here it applies to unknown, meaning we did not know or have information about this thing until this point. The middle part of the phrase indicates what the subject or thing is: it's a species, that is a specific unique type, of mushroom, which are impossible to adequately define so we won't try here. At the end we find out what has changed to cause our new knowledge, which is the word discovered. Now you know what that means!
You probably shouldn't eat it because mushrooms are terrifying creations of life as death, impossible organisms that cannot and should not be and yet, inescapably, are. They seek no sunlight, and yet grow inexorably from what has passed away. Their domain is beyond the ken of man or the grasp of Gaia, beyond fear and beyond hope, the creation from decay of a flowering of existence that, itself, is a mockery of all the flowers we know and hold dear. Or is it something that, in some ineffable way, has surpassed them? I consider the possibility, dear reader, and I tremble.
So you probably shouldn't eat one when you don't know about it.
In other news: the Goddess of All Cheeses has held a press conference to discuss recent rumours...
Breaking news! Goddess of All Cheeses holds press conference.
A group of disappointed believers raised questions and concerns after The Goddess of All Cheeses apparently denied them The Cheeseness, which would transform them into cheese wheels. Though the practice was deemed ridiculous one hundred years ago at the Council of Cheeseea, resulting in fewer people pursuing that path, it is still accepted as a form of achieving enlightenment. "The cheese wheel is the ultimate symbol of life. It is round, it is whole. I want nothing more than to embody this cheeseness", one of the worshippers said. But, according to the speaker of the group, no matter how much cheese they ate, no matter how fervently they prayed, the Goddess of All Cheeses did not respond. Rumours started to spread like mould on neglected brie. Some claimed to have seen Her disrespecting cheese, others believe She is utterly incompetent at Her job, or that She has lost Her powers entirely. So recently The Goddess of All Cheeses Herself decided to hold a press conference to address those rumours. "Nothing of it is true", She declared, but admitted "I, in my great wisdom, have indeed deemed the worshippers in question unworthy of receiving the honour of The Cheeseness. They are entitled little [censored], demanding The Cheeseness despite not having shown sufficient devotion through eating enough cheese. I, in my neverending greatness, will not grant anyone like that The Cheeseness. Clearly they have not understood The Cheeseness. No one needs cheese wheels like that." With these words, She ascended back into Her Cheesy Realm, leaving the people humbled. Eat cheese and rejoice, peasants!
In other news: Adulthood is a scam.