Exilian
Art, Writing, and Learning: The Clerisy Quarter => Writing, Poems, AARs, and Stories - The Storyteller's Hall => Poetry and Artistic Writing => Topic started by: Cuddly Khan on October 08, 2011, 08:42:07 AM
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I do a bit of poetry... Maybe this will encourage me to do more.
My first one I did... while it was raining XD
The Forest
It's so relaxing; the feel of water from a shallow, fast running river over my bare, submerged feet, the safe feeling of the forest in a million shades of green.
It's so sweet; the smell of rain as the clouds empty themselves onto the earth, the sound of rain drops on the surface of the wide, beautiful river as if the water was alive and enchanted.
It's so colourful; the many flowers on the far river bank so alive with colour more numerous than the colours of a rainbow, the different birds jumping from tree to tree as their wings flapping so fast it’s just a blur.
It's so peaceful; the feel of grass on my hands as I lean back on my arms to rest my tiered muscles after a long restless day, the drips of rain water running down the side of my face as I slowly put my head back to face the sky.
It's so illuminating; the bright light of my lantern as it slowly runs out of oil and dims with every minute, the fading light of the red, orange and pink twilight as the clouds clear to reveal the sun retreating over the far horizon.
It's so calm; the sound of the crickets chirping as they wake up to the dark night, the cold breeze running through my hair as slightly moves and quivers side to side.
It's so wonderful; the sound of the millions of bugs and insects as they wake up to the falling sun, the sound of the green frogs in the wet grass as they croak into the night.
It's so relaxing; the forest.
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It's nice stuff, good imagery.
Try paying a little less attention to grammar: your starting phrases would be harder hitting if they didn't have the "so" in, I suspect.
Be nice to see more. :)
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Thanks for the advise. I will try to put another one up on Saturday... which to you would be Friday I think.
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Sorry. Was a bit late, wasn't I. Here it is than.
Dust to Mountains
I've seen high mountains
Wash away.
As they fall, so rise another day
Flesh fades to bone,
Bone back to dust
The sharpest blades, give way to rust.
Nations rise
And kingdoms fall
And rise again built strong and tall.
Light dims and dies,
And the night falls down.
The cursed name called with great renown.
Yet my time flows on
Amidst this waste
And the death I've seen I'll never taste.
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Thats very good :) Well done buddy.
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That's excellent, I'd say much better than the previous one - the imagery is more concise and tighter, with less suprfluous wording. Try writing a few pieces with a definite rythmic pattern at sopme point - that will help make your words flow in a more poetic fashion.
Really nice stuff. :)
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Yep, I like it too. It reads much more poetically, whereas the other was quite prosey.
One minor technical point - you don't really need a comma after "blades". ;)
I like the 3rd line of the 4th stanza - it gives a sense of scale to the subject. Mountains washing away is something people can't really comprehend, but the "cursed name called with great renown" is something that can make them think. About the title - might "Mountains to Dust" be better? It would seem more appropriate, in my opinion.
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"Nations rise
And kingdoms fall
And rise again built strong and tall."
No because they rise again. :) They don't stay dust. Think about it. ;D
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Fair enough.
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Just thought this up today. :) (BTW I do have friends)
Does anybody notice
When I'm mad
Do they care
When I'm sad
Do they worry
To see me cry
They just ignore me
I don't know why
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Abut time for another one? Here it is. :P
That Feeling
When you get that feeling,
That you are all alone,
Everyone's around you,
But you're on your own.
The feeling of Emptiness
A sorrowful pain
That no one cares
And your heart feels slain
Have you seen in envy?
Have you seen its face?
Do you know what it is,
That feels like an empty space?
Is it that feeling of being alone,
That feeling that you're not noticed
That feeling of being on your own
That feeling that you're losing a race
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I've been busy. :)
Once Again
What is it if it's not what I think it is?
Does it exist or is it just a thought?
How can it be or is it not this?
Or does my heart just need to be taught?
I thought it was gone, but is it back?
Did I find it or did it find me?
Is there something that I lack?
Is it something that I just can't see?
Where did it go in the end?
When did it return?
Is it the real thing?
Will my heart ever learn?
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The Wind
What is it about the wind?
Why does the sea call as it does?
When we go to our beds at night,
Will we dream of where the wind goes?
We squander about our lives,
As the breeze goes about it's day,
Not caring for our strife,
Just going on it's way.
When a sailor tries to brave the sea,
The wind will be there guiding his ship.
To the end of the ocean, 'twill take him,
and back again for a round trip.
Back home they come,
All in glory and fame,
The sailors of today,
Too many to name.
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The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. ~ Albert Einstein
Questionable Universe
Why does the world turn,
Just to face the same way again?
Something that's so big,
Yet still fits inside a picture frame.
Is there just no end,
To the extent of the universe?
Is the slowness of time,
All just a cruel curse?
Before we know it,
The future will be here.
Will we be ready,
When the end is near?
How far away,
Is the brightest star?
Will we ever accept,
That it's just too far?
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Not much to look at really. Not one of my best. The first bit I wrote a few months ago. The second bit a few days ago.
Today, Tomorrow
Today, tomorrow
It's all filled with sorrow
In the end
We all just pretend
Not to be sad
And just to be glad
But then there are those that are mad
They try to bring you down
As if they think they wear a crown
They take away from your confidence
They tear down your defense
And they don’t know
That even though you pretend, it will show
So we must go
And forgive and forget
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They're good - the rhyme schemes are held together well, though I sometimes wonder if you put a bit more emphasis on rhyme than you need in a lot of these, it can cut the flow down a bit when you're using short lines and a lot of rhyme. Try writing some streams of conciousness, perhaps, that might help get these more introspective poems flowing a bit better. And streams of conciousness done well are awesome.
Good work anyhow, keep it up! :)
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:) Thanks, I'm playing an RPG where my character is a Bard so expect much more.
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Nice job, Khan. And kudos for being one of the remaining content-producers on here. ;)
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Thanks, :P Maybe I can get a Triumph if I write enough. ;D
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When writing this one I didn't exactly have quality in mind, a short poem written in a short amount of time is all it is.
Under a Willow Tree
As I sit under the willow tree,
In peacefulness and deep serenity,
With a gentle breeze flowing through my hair,
And the birds singing from above me.
I think of the future and all that's been,
and he choices I choose and all I've seen,
I wonder to myself, did I choose the right path,
And in the end, which way does my life lean?
And than I start to wonder the path I'd choose,
In the future, i know this life I'll lose,
But when I get to the crossroads of life,
What gate will I choose to enter through?
I stand up from my sitting place,
And bring my hands before my face,
"I know what I will do" I say,
"I'll live my life with this one goal,
To always try my best at everything in this eternal race".
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Ok, about time for another one I guess. This one here was inspired by a picture. I wouldn't be able to find it now but here's the poem anyway. I think this is one of the best pieces that I have done.
All Alone
All alone in a field of green,
A sight of majesty to behold,
The beauty true yet unseen,
With a hidden story untold.
A tree all on its lonesome,
Covered in green hued leaves,
Singing its lonesome song,
While swaying in the breeze.
Autumn’s beauty shows,
On the leaves of the tree,
But only it knows,
The beauty it can see.
Winters cold air sweeps in,
And the leaves fall to the ground,
The white days will begin,
And the snow will surround.
Spring arrives, colour springs forth,
And lush grass greets again.
The sun comes out in warmth,
And the clouds send forth rain.
Summer comes with the radiant heat,
And the tree sits there still.
Waiting for the next season to repeat,
Another tree, never will it meet.
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It's been a while since I've written one of these, hasn't it? Anyway, I wrote this short thing on a bus in the morning whilst deep in thought. I may write more on it later, but for now, enjoy.
The Ring
That ring of misery,
Black white and silver,
Too far away for me to see,
Close enough to make me shiver.
That band of sorrow,
Has finally set me free,
But in doing so
Has forever trapped me.
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Damn son. That some scurry armadillo.
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Scurry? What do you mean by that?
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Hahaha, fair enough
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Where are all these poems coming from? It seems I'm just in that sort of mood. This one's inspired my a song I've been listening to lately as well as recent events in my life.
The formatting seems a bit weird to me, but I don't know, it seems to work alright, so oh well.
Darkness
Don't let the darkness eat you up, it will swallow you whole if given the chance.
Keep your distance from this shadow, it is unsafe to be around, despite its cheerful look at a glance.
Stay away from this gloom and misery that has captivated you so. It's not worth the pain.
There is nothing for your benefit to be found, except for hurt and suffering to gain.
Don't let the darkness eat you up, let it go, and stop your light from becoming so dim.
Expel it from your life, ignore it's pleas for help, else your future will be naught but grim.
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This one's a bit personal I suppose, but it is about you guys too. Each and everyone of you are a huge support in my life and have been for years. <3
I apologize for my inability,
And for my low self esteem.
I'm sorry for my inadequacies,
And how I'm less confident than I seem.
My self loathing is always there,
Right next to the hatred of myself.
All I can see is how worthless I am,
When compared with everybody else.
Despite all these things that I see in myself,
Some people show me things I can't see.
They encourage my success,
And make me aware of the potential in me
But when I look at all the people who care,
All my friends and all my family,
To have so many people who love me,
Makes me as successful as I ever want to be.
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You are great and I am very glad I know you :) And you know Exilian is always here if you need it!
Also, enough with the excessive apologies, that's *my* character quirk :P
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You a boss Khan ;)
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Thanks guys. Means a lot. ;D
I'll have more to post soon probably, we'll see. I don't know what's happened, but I've been writing a lot lately.
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KHAAAANNNN!!!!
:khan:
;)
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Since i was last on this forum a lot has happened. I've been through some difficult situations and through it all, poetry became a way for me to vent, to express the emotions and turmoil in a way that was more coherent and understandable than the way i felt. I have written dozens of poems since, most of which tend to have dark undertones, but i'm proud of them. I feel I've gotten better at writing poems, so i want to share some of them here. I mever gave many of them actual titles for the poems so they stand without them for now.
Explore the depths, search the deep darkness.
To find that missing piece, you traverse the abyss.
Always looking for the shadow of something new,
Eclipsed by the past and pain that you yourself grew.
Sprouted from the doubt and guilt that was dormant.
And has once again arisen, awoken by your self torment.
The weeds of your insecurity climb up from the blackness,
And grip your heart, dragging it under into apathetic hardness.
Encasing your promises and dreams in a cage of fear,
Locking them away from anyone that may come too near.
Keeping them safe from those that mean no ill,
And guarding them from your own hope and failed will.
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Very nice :) For me poetry has always been a key way to vent emotions too.
Would you like thoughts on scansion/style on these? I know some people very much prefer to leave venting-poems as is rather than editing them, but equally I'm happy to give thoughts if you'd like. And I'd love to see more pieces! Maybe you could have a numbering system if they're all untitled? I know some poets who do that.
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I might organise them cronologically at some point. That sounds like a good idea. I would love some critique on any or these poems as even if they are mostly me venting emotions, I'd love to be able to inprove my poetry. Here are two more poems.
Ouroboros
Around and around in circles again
Repetition is my old new friend
With my tail in my mouth there is no end
Back to the same place all over again
From start to end and back to the start
No way to pull this cycle apart
Arrive in one second and then depart
Finding myself trying to restart
Super Nova
Super nova, a dying star
Burns so bright, fades so fast.
The brief light shows what we are
Not the first, won't be the last
Exloding in briliance and wonder
Only to dim to so quick to dark.
A raidience we can only remember
It's rays so bright they leave a mark.
It leaves a memory bittersweet
Look back to when it did shine
A moment so short and fleeting
As it burns for the last time
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So I think a couple of general comments and thoughts... you tend to like keeping your poetic form quite strict - and I like that, I do the same. I find that keeping a strong rhythm and rhyme scheme is quite helpful for getting my thoughts into a form that works and flows well rather than just splatters on the page. That said, I think sometimes you could make the rhythm tighter and sometimes you could break the scheme more intentionally. A line like "Locking them away from anyone that may come too near." might want tightening given that the rest of the poem has quite a strong rhythm to it. You could do this by dropping or switching out some words: "To lock them away, safe from those that come near" I think might flow better with the scheme.
With the rhythms, it's often worth speaking your poems to yourself out loud and thinking about what are the natural points of emphasis. I think you do this well naturally but there are places where thinking about it explicitly can help: so for example in "Around and around in circles again" - the yellow syllables are stressed, the orange ones are unstressed, which works pretty well. You wouldn't usually want words like "in" or "to" to become stressed because you want the more important syllables and words to stay in the reader's or listener's mind. In the above example of "Locking them away", the stress hits the "ing" as second syllable for example, which is why my rearrangement made it hit "lock" instead.
Tightening the scheme can also let you play with it a bit more intentionally. I'd be tempted with Ouroboros to either drop the last word into its own stanza, so it sits totally separately and emphasises the potential breaking of the cycle-as-rhythm, or alternatively add a whole extra "Around and around in circles again" line at the end repeating the first line to suggest its continuity. Although maybe it's best to leave it less certain, but just to highlight that you'd have those options for trying to use intentional breaks in what you're doing to emphasise the theme of the poem. :)
Anyway, I really like these - ouroboros is probably my favourite of these new ones so far, it's such a good image.
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Thanks for the feedback! I'll definitely try to keep those things in mind more as i write more poems.
Something i did with Ouroboros was have the last word of the first and last line of each stanza be the same to represent the repetition of the theme. Having more repeating aspects could be a fun idea though, especially having the first line also be the last line. I might see if i can come up with a third stanza in there to use that.
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Yeah, I see what you were doing with Ourobouros, but yes I think you might want to make it more explicit, subtle things like that need some more repetition than you have verses for in a relatively short poem like that?