Exilian
Off-topic and Chatter: The Jolly Boar Inn => General Chatter - The Boozer => Topic started by: Pentagathus on October 08, 2012, 09:57:10 PM
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Why do french warships have glass hulls? So they can see the rest of the fleet.
Why do french tanks have a rear window? So they can see the enemy.
Whats the shortest book in the world? A history of French military victories.
Why did the polish man cross the road? He's stolen the chickens job (I would like to point out now I have nothing against the Eastern Europeans or economic migrants in general, I just like the joke.)
A man runs into a doctors surgery wearing nothing but clingfilm underwear shouting "Doctor, doctor I think I've gone insane"
The doctor looks up and calmly replies "Yes, I can clearly see your nuts"
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
I've never told anyone this before. But my mum was a runner-up beauty queen who was beaten by her abusive husband.
portugal knows how he won it though.
A gipsy decides he had enough of the slums, grabs what little he has and moves into Munich. There he starts small, but after a couple of years he has a fruitful legit business going on. He decides then to go home to check out how's the family faring. Just at the border of his home village, his brand new BMW got a flat tire. He starts changing it, when he sees a cousin coming his way.
-Hey, Kasimir, -he shouts- can you give me a hand here?
Kasimir happily runs there, grabs a stone, and breaks in a window of the brand new shiny BMW.
-The portugal are you doing? -Asks our man startled.
-You can have the tires, but dibs on the radio.
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No one appreciating the funnys?
Have you all heard about the range of two piece shell-suits made to commemorate the death of Jimmy Saville? In light of recent revelations the designs have been changed, you should still fit into the adults sized jacket easily enough but you'll have to force yourself into the childrens trousers.
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No one appreciating the funnys?
No, but the do appreciate the bunnies! :)
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My brother told me this.
Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?
He got hit by a truck.
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I don't get the Portugal one...:-/
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Portugal is the swear filter for F*ck, if that helps.
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Damn,why?
Does Jubal hate Portugal for some reason?
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loooooooonnnnnnnnnnggggggggg story...
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But to make it short, yes he is a vile, vile racist who particularly hates the Portuguese.
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We all are.
League of Racism, Assemble!!!
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If you haven't read the Hitch-Hiker's Guide to Exilian, now may be the time to do so - it's in the Boozer. :P
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loooooooonnnnnnnnnnggggggggg story...
I have time.
If you haven't read the Hitch-Hiker's Guide to Exilian, now may be the time to do so - it's in the Boozer. :P
Just did. Very confused.
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Another satisfied customer. :)
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Why did the little girl fall from the swing?
Because she has no arms.
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Why would she get on the slide in the first place? And no, the punchline is not that she has down syndrome or some other common mental disability, that'd be mean.
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Why do french warships have glass hulls? So they can see the rest of the fleet.
Why do french tanks have a rear window? So they can see the enemy.
Whats the shortest book in the world? A history of French military victories.
Why did the polish man cross the road? He's stolen the chickens job
We're mean?
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swing
slide
;D
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Huh, hadn't noticed that at all.
What does feet mean about being mean? Are you Frolish/Pench or something?
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No, but french people are.
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French people aren't frolish or pench, that would be a cross between french and polish. Or are you saying french people are mean? Thats not true, they're just
mental racist homosexuals who smell of cheese err cheese eating surrender monkeys people who fornicate with smelly cheese happen to be french.
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Why do the Saxons hate France so much?
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We don't hate france, its a lovely place. Shame about the locals though.
I'm really dissapointed in this whole Jimmy Saville scandal, the guy was my idol because when I was 8 he fixed it for me to milk a cow whilst blindfolded.
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hey! we aren't saxons! we're a bit of everything, saxon, norman, viking, roman, celts the list goes on
odd how all the saville scandals appeared after he died and at a good time to shift blame at the bbc, at a time when news international is coming in to disrepute
the accusations could all be true but i like to think he was a good man for the time being
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I'm sure some of them are utter bullarmadillo but there are simply too many for all of them to be untrue I think. I found the claim that when he visited a hospital the kids were told be pretend to be asleep very amusing. Seems like pretty retarded advice considering he was accused of molesting comatose patients.
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Britain really is just all of Western Europe handing in their samples.
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Skull: it's a long story. Basically France has been our main national enemy for most of the time since about the 1300s. Including the Hundred Years' War, the French Wars of Religion, War of the Spanish Succession, Seven Years' War, and Napoleonic Wars. We've generally been allied to France since 1900, but that's not very long considering that for much if not most of the thousand years before that we were at war. Generally people don't actually hate France per se, but in Britain it's still common to make jokes about them.
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This has been passed on to we Americans, despite France being the reason we were able to beat the British in the Revolution.
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I guess one of the key British things is that we're more derogatory about our friends than our enemies. Generally British people are much more prepared to insult a friend, because they know they can take the criticism, than an enemy, who we're more likely to be desperately, coldly polite to.
Our largest targets for national ire and mockery are France and the USA, shortly followed by Germany, for this reason.
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Only in England...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
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We tell that joke but for the US generally. :P
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Eh but what if you lived above a fast food takeaway? Then its only logical for the pizza to reach you before the ambulance.
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Moved to the Boozer, as it's not a game per se.
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Skull: it's a long story. Basically France has been our main national enemy for most of the time since about the 1300s. Including the Hundred Years' War, the French Wars of Religion, War of the Spanish Succession, Seven Years' War, and Napoleonic Wars. We've generally been allied to France since 1900, but that's not very long considering that for much if not most of the thousand years before that we were at war. Generally people don't actually hate France per se, but in Britain it's still common to make jokes about them.
I guess one of the key British things is that we're more derogatory about our friends than our enemies. Generally British people are much more prepared to insult a friend, because they know they can take the criticism, than an enemy, who we're more likely to be desperately, coldly polite to.
Our largest targets for national ire and mockery are France and the USA, shortly followed by Germany, for this reason.
I see.
This has been passed on to we Americans, despite France being the reason we were able to beat the British in the Revolution.
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Who made all those "In Soviet Russia" jokes?
They are probably the worst ones I ever read.
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A fish swims into a wall.
"Oh dam" it says.
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A fish hears that joke. A thousand times. It now wants to die.
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two fish in a tank
one turns to the other and asks
"How the hell do we drive this thing?"
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Did you hear about the incident of the two peanuts walking the streets last night? One was a salted/assaulted.
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two fish in a tank
one turns to the other and asks
"How the hell do we drive this thing?"
The other fish takes this as clear evidence of Fish 1's lack of belief in the Communist ideal and promptly has him reported to the commissar.
Fish 1 is assigned to a penal battalion as penitence for his crimes.
Fish 1 later dies desperately trying to stuff his organs back into his obliterated chest cavity during The Battle of the Bulge
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were the soviets in the battle of the bulge?
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A fish swims into a wall.
"Oh dam" it says.
My girlfriend told me this one last night.
were the soviets in the battle of the bulge?
No, they were not.
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I was wondering if you'd notice.
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Two chemists walk into a bar, the first asks for some H2O, as he's a chemist. The second says "I'll have some H2O too please. He died.
Alternatively:
Two chemists walk into a bar, the first asks for some H2O, as he's a chemist. The second says "I'll have some water please" The first cries because his assassination attempt failed.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a base 3 joke.
What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito? You can't, that would be crossing a scalar and a vector.
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I actually genuinely laughed at the base 3 one. ;D
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I enjoyed the climber mosquito one.
I bought an advent calender from the bbc. Everytime I open a door I have to pretend I haven't seen Jimmy Saville molesting a child.