So, the origin of various fairytales has been the subject of much debate, scholarly and otherwise. In one particular case, I have recently decided that I have some light to shed upon one of our most classic nursery rhymes. I can, here, exclusively reveal from my extensive textual analysis skills that the author of Little Miss Muffet can be exactly pinpointed to one man - Steven Moffat.
Yep, it's him.This classic nursery rhyme goes as follows:
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey;
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away.
It should be obvious to anyone who has watched Moffat's work that this is a classic example, bearing many of his most notable hallmarks - but lest there be any doubt, I shall go through an extensive, nay, exhaustive list of all the things that show that Moffat is responsible.
- The plot revolves around a female character who is totally plot central but otherwise has no independent non-stereotyped personality.
- It packs the plot into six lines when it's clear there should have been twelve. Better yet, just add another stanza; trying to squeeze it into such a short space has made things cluttered and confusing and there's no satisfying ending. Should've been a two-parter. Again.
- The spider gets no background development. Does it have motivations? What even are its motivations? Or is it just a hackneyed trope appearing for arachnophobe fanservice?
- Using an ordinary/everyday item and then making it extra scary is a classic Moffat trick. Though we'll probably find out in a few rhymes' time that the spider has come back for a ton of cameos, getting less scary each time, and Little Red Riding Hood can defeat like ten of them. Blindfolded.
- The whole plot is based around a single "scary enemy" concept. It's really just a less scary re-hash of Blink.
- The curds and whey is clearly another flat attempt at a zany foodstuffs joke. Well, you know what, Moffat. You can take your precious curds and whey and stick fish fingers in it for all I care.
- Monsters based around sight are a classic Moffatism. Weeping angels you have to keep looking at, Silence you forget you looked at, Spiders you look at and run in terror. The spider doesn't even seem to have any actually dangerous abilities; this rhyme's really trying to be a psychological thriller.
- Miss Muffet seems to have basically no agency as a character. She's literally just there to run away from things.
- Nobody dies. Nobody even comes close to dying. All anyone genuinely loses in this rhyme is curds and whey, which just doesn't cut the emotional mustard.
- NONE OF THE PLOT HOLES GET RESOLVED. Okay, so this needs a second list in itself.
- Spiders don't have easily accessible bums to sit on. How does a spider sit down? This is a real unexplained deus ex machina for the spider, guys.
- So little Miss Muffet is frightened away. Where to? Does she just get to exit the scene at random? Is this a satisfying plot conclusion for anyone?
- Where did the spider come from? Is this part of a wider plot? Unexplained villains that appear out of nowhere - definitely a Moffat job.
- For that matter, what about Miss Muffet? We didn't even get any prior indication she was an arachnophobe. It's like he suddenly added that to her character when his precious plot needed it.
- She'll probably turn up in the next rhyme sitting nonchalantly on that damn tuffet as if nothing had happened. And she won't even have lost her curds and whey.
So there you have it. It's a wrap; there's simply no question. Steven Moffat has been wreaking havoc, and fans of classic nursery rhymes will soon start to grumble about the old days when at least there were properly developed emotional plot lines. Say what you like about Russel T Davies: at least Humpty Dumpty
died a proper death.
