Revival of my own thread!
Man- I'd like to have an argument please.
Receptionist Certainly, sir. Have you been here before...?
Man- No, this is my first time.
Receptionist- I see. Do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Man- Well, what would be the cost?
Receptionist- Yes, it's one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Man- Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and see how it goes from there. OK?
Receptionist- Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment ... Mr. Du-Bakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory ... yes, try Mr. Barnard - Room 12.
Man- Thank you.
The man walks down a corridor. He opens door 12. There is a man at a desk.
Mr Barnard- (shouting) What do you want?
Man- Well I was told outside ...
Mr Barnard- Don't give me that you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Man- What!
Mr Barnard- Shut your festering gob you tit! Your type makes me puke! You vacuous toffee-nosed malodorous pervert!
Man- Look! I came here for an argument.
Mr Barnard- (calmly) Oh! I'm sorry, this is abuse.
Man- Oh I see, that explains it.
Mr Barnard- No, you want room 12A next door.
Man- I see - sorry. (exits)
Mr Barnard- Not at all. (as he goes) Stupid git.
Outside 12A. The man knocks on the door.
Mr Vibrating - (from within) Come in.
The man enters the room. Mr Vibrating is sitting at a desk.
Man- Is this the right room for an argument?
Mr Vibrating- I've told you once.
Man- No you haven't.
Mr Vibrating- Yes I have.
Man - When?
Mr Vibrating - Just now!
Man- No you didn't.
Mr Vibrating- Yes I did!
Man- Didn't.
Mr Vibrating- Did.
Man- Didn't.
Mr Vibrating- I'm telling you I did!
Man- You did not!
Mr Vibrating- I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
Man- Oh ... Just a five-minute one.
Mr Vibrating- Fine (makes a note of it; the man sists down) thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man- You most certainly did not.
Mr Vibrating- Now, let's get one thing quite clear. I most definitely told you!
Man- You did not.
Mr Vibrating- Yes I did.
Man- Didn't.
Mr Vibrating - Yes I did.
Man- Didn't.
Mr Vibrating- Yes I did!!
Man- Look, this isn't an argument.
Mr Vibrating- Yes it is.
Man- No it isn't, it's just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating- No it isn't.
Man- Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating- It is not.
Man- It is. You just contradicted me.
Mr Vibrating- No I didn't.
Man- Ooh, you did!
Mr Vibrating- No, no, no, no, no.
Man- You did, just then.
Mr Vibrating- No, nonsense!
Man- Oh, look this is futile.
Mr Vibrating- No it isn't.
Man- I came here for a good argument.
Mr Vibrating- No you didn't, you came here for an argument.
Man- Well, an argument's not the same as contradiction.
Mr Vibrating- It can be.
Man- No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements to establish a definite proposition.
Mr Vibrating- No it isn't.
Man- Yes it is. It isn't just contradiction.
Mr Vibrating- Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man- But it isn't just saying 'No it isn't'.
Mr Vibrating- Yes it is.
Man- No it isn't, Argument is an intellectual process ... contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Mr Vibrating- No it isn't.
Man- Yes it is.
Mr Vibrating- Not at all.
Man- Now look!
Mr Vibrating- (pressing the bell on his desk) That's it. Good morning.
Man- But I was just getting interested.
Mr Vibrating- Sorry the five minutes is up.
Man- That was never five minutes just now!
Mr Vibrating- I'm afraid it was.
Man- No it wasn't.
Mr Vibrating- I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Man- What!?
Mr Vibrating- If you want me to go on arguing you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man- But that was never five minutes just now ... oh Come on! (Vibrating looks round as though man was not there) This is ridiculous.
Mr Vibrating- I'm very sorry, but I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
Man- Oh. all right. (pays) There you are.
Mr Vibrating- Thank you.
Man- Well?.
Mr Vibrating- Well what?
Man- That was never five minutes just now.
Mr Vibrating- I told you I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man- I've just paid.
Mr Vibrating- No you didn't.
Man- I did! I did! I did!
Mr Vibrating- No you didn't.
Man- Look I don't want to argue about that.
Mr Vibrating- Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay.
Man- Aha! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing ... got you!
Mr Vibrating- No you haven't.
Man- Yes I have ... if you're arguing I must have paid.
Mr Vibrating- Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man- I've had enough of this.
Mr Vibrating- No you haven't.
Man- Oh shut up!
