I just posted this on Warseer yesterday and thought that you guys might get a small amount of enjoyment out of it.
*EMPIRE*
Remember, this whole piece is said in dodgy German accents. Quite like Hitler from Inglourious Basterds. Snorting crack.
Karl Franz, Kurt Helborg, Valten, Thyrus Gormann and Ludwig Schwarzhelm are standing around the strategy table, contemplating the upcoming battle against the orcs of Waaagh! Azhag. Karl Franz, Defender of the Weak, Emperor of Mankind, and All-Time Champion of Epic and Win: “Damn I have a big title.”
Valten, The Miffed at Having Such a Short Name: “Sure, rub it in.”
I will.Kurt Helborg, Grand-Master of the Suspiciously German Reiksguard: “I know it’s rare for something based on a Games Workshop world to get to the point, or, Sigmar forbid, actually have a point at all, but I don’t suppose we could actually stay on topic here.”
Karl:
Snorts petulantly, somewhat like a 5 year old Nazi with a big golden hammer, if such a thing can be imagined. “Fine if we have to.”
Kurt: “Thank you my lord. Ludders, if you will?”
Ludwig Schwarzhelm, he who’s Nickname Reminds Others of Bovine Appendages: “By Sigmar, if you call me that again Kurt, you can shove the lances of your entire bloody order up your a-“
Keep it clean guys. There are children reading. Ludwig: “My apologies, most excellent narrator. In fact I’m held in awe of your startling good looks.”
A little flattery goes a long way. Coincidentally, did I tell you that Ludwig Schwarzhelm is my favourite Empire character now? What? I’m insecure. Ludwig: “Anyway, now that I am in the good graces of our most esteemed narrator, I shall continue with the battle plan. Basically, we hurt them.”
Silence ensues over the next few minutes. Finally:Kurt: “Our book states you are one of our greatest tacticians, and that is what you come up with.”
Ludwig:
Looks blank for a few seconds before his face suddenly clears. “Yep.”
Thyrus Gormann, The Often Overlooked Wizard Lord from Before That Bastard Gelt: “Even I, as a man who has never even been interested in the slightest as to the intimate and complicated workings of the Imperial Army, can’t help but think that your plan is a little to, well, simplistic.”
Ludwig: “Well, I’d like to see any of you come up with a better plan than that! Do any of you disagree with the principal behind the plan?”
Furious conversation erupts around the room before they all concede that no, no one is actually against hurting the orcs, and what’s more, no, no one can in fact come up with a way in which to carry it out. Karl: “Hey, Thyrus, weren’t you, well, beaten? By an emo kid? Shouldn't you be off somewhere, you know, plotting, like all those other stereotypical has-been wizards?”
Thyrus: “No.”
Ludwig: “Are you sure, I remember reading that story...”
Thyrus: “Don’t say anything.” In an undertone. “Bloody Gelt.”
Karl: “Men, today we face a foe we know too well. It’s face has been seen on the front cover of many a Games Workshop promotional product. The amount of coverage they get, it makes me sick, but no matter! We are men of the Empire of Man. Bit redundant, isn’t it? So I say to you, although they may rend you limb from limb, eat you, defecate on you, pummel you, grind your bones into dust, feed you in pieces to their porcine steeds, shove you down the pants of an oversized git, vomit on you, tear your appendages off and otherwise defile your body and or mind, we have our plan. And it is a great plan. Because I said it is. And Graham McNeill said I am actually a rather great tactician. I’d like to believe him.”
Kurt: “Oh Sigmar, so would I...”
Karl: “So men, I have but one thing left to say. It’s Hammertime.”
Thyrus:
Looking on in disdain. “So what, the orcs can’t touch this?”
*EMPIRE*
The next chapter will be up...whenever I get around to it.
Next time on *EMPIRE*
Azhag: "I WILL BE EMPEROR!"
Unimportant Goblin: "Do you always speak in capitals?"