Spoil a wish

[Caradìlis]

Ahahahahahahahh!!!! *frustrated laughter* I would facepalm, but you couldn't see me do that, so why bother... Like, am I mute or something?

You regain health from potions, because you have finally decided to listen to your local witch. However, you now have to listen to intense rants of "I told you so"s at least once every five minutes... 

I wish people would listen to me... -.-

[Jubal]

Everyone listens to you, you get mad from being asked for advice all the time.

(In fairness I do often take your advice regarding potions and am currently halfway through a cup of lemon balm, I'm just complaining that it's never quite as simple as the RPGs make out...)

I wish I was nearer the sea.

[Caradìlis]

(I am appeased. I was beginning to think my existence was pointless and questioning whether to wage war on the non-believers)

You are very close to the sea, as a mafia boss is currently throughing you into it, with a block of concrete attatched to your feet...

I wish I didn't have to get up in the morning...

[Jubal]

You don't have to get up in the morning because there is no morning. Darkness inescapable has come and all shall wither.

I wish I had more good hats.

[Caradìlis]

(I think you forgot I'm an Austrian poet, I feast on darkness)

You have so many great hats, you have an existential crisis about which one to wear each morning...

Why can I not have Silence?

[Jubal]

You wouldn't remember if you did... (Doctor Who Theme Starts Up)

I wish life had more people sitting around in pubs who would give you interesting sidequests.

[Tusky]

The world is exclusively populated by people sitting around in pubs offering you interesting sidequests. The lack of any supporting infrastructure leads to widespread societal breakdown and a rather severe dry roasted peanut shortage.

I wish that I had the ability to cause the hair on any square millimeter on my epidermis to instantly grow by 1 millimeter or never grow again

[Jubal]

The instantaneous movement causes a lot of particle collisions and a significant explosion. You die the instant you use it.

I wish I had a PA.

[Ierne]

You have a PA. The resulting complete lack of stress in your life causes you to descend into the same kind of vague boredom that used to beset 18th century aristocrats, and you accidentally become a particularly melancholic and saccharine romantic poet.

I wish I liked the taste of crab meat.

[Glaurung]

You like the taste of crab meat. You like the taste of crab meat so much that you consume only crab, in ever-increasing quantities. Eventually the surviving, beleaguered crabs are forced to evolve both intelligence and the ability to breath air, so that they can emerge from the oceans and hunt down their nemesis. You die crushed by the claws of the enraged crustaceans.

I wish I could decide what to wish for.

[Ierne]

You make a decision. it's terrible. in fact, it's so profoundly, embarrassingly mundane that centuries later, historians  can't even bring themselves to think about it long enough to destroy every record of it, which is all it really deserves.

I wish they wouldn't put pineapple on pizza.

[Jubal]

you accidentally become a particularly melancholic and saccharine romantic poet.

Not sure if bug or feature

In any case, you are lynched by the Hawaiian Pizza Fan Mob.

I wish paperwork was simpler.

[Ierne]

Ah, some romantic poets are fun, I just have unnecessarily strong personal objections to certain Wordsworth poems

Paperwork is so overly simplified that it can be of no further administrative use, and all bureaucrats simultaneously have nervous breakdowns. In the resulting chaos, you are legally declared to be a small Swiss pastry. This proves awkward.

I wish I could always find the exact watercolor pigment I want

[Jubal]

In the resulting chaos, you are legally declared to be a small Swiss pastry.

This is DEFINITELY a feature not a bug

You can always find the exact, precise, perfect pigment. However, in most cases the precise colour you want only exists in some specific tube in some shop halfway around the world. Occasionally you realise that the correct pigment is calling from somewhere beyond this earth, and that alien civilisations in other galaxies entirely have the pigment you desire. Your perfect location of the perfect colour slowly drives you mad.

I wish I had more functional-ness when it came to making myself go and see doctors.

[Ierne]

As a small Swiss pastry, the only form of democratic representation to which you are entitled is an advertisement in the M&S food magazine, and you are not allowed to carry out research into Georgian history once you have passed your use-by date, which is in 48 hours. Your life as a small Swiss pastry may have some advantages, but it is definitely strange.