Ask a stupid question and the next poster gives a stupid answer.
Example:
John Doe: Wheres my computer?
Jane Doe: It got so bored of your posting it decided to jump the moon away from you.
I'll start.
How is it I'm dead.
Your dead because you jumped off a cliff.
How am I still alive?
You wouldn't tell me where you lived so I could kill you.
Who am I?
You are Makorgis Khan, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandson of Bob Khan of the Mongol Empire.
Why is Khan still alive?
I was frozen in the ice for a few years and now Exilian is up my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandson defrosted me so I could pwn people at the great bar-fight
Why is Phoenix still asking questions?
P.S. He was the father of Gangis Khan.
I'm still asking questions because no one else is active during Australian afternoons. :P
Why does Makorgis use the much less well known name, Makorgis Khan as opposed to the infinitely more popular Bob Khan?
WHOS BOB KHAN!! Oh and its because Batu Khan wasn't long enough.
Wheres Australia?
Wait which is your stupid question? :P
Lol. both.
But answer the first properly.
Bob Khan is the real father of Genghis Khan. :P
Australia is where we live. But there's a reason Tasmania broke off from the mainland. :ninja:
Why did Khan not know who Bob Khan was? After all you are related to him.
No. He must have been that that my wife was having an affair with. He died young. To bad for him.
Didn't the main land break of Tasmania not the other way? <<That is my stupid Question
Yes. It did.
Why do people from Darwin smell?
Because there from Darwin.
Where is the only place your safe?
Salisbury in SA. Cause no one lives there. ;)
Why are all our questions about Australia?
Because you both so self centred.
Why is the "add topic" button on Exilian so small?
Cause we're elitist and don't want more worthless topics.
Why does NightAngel not like us?
Because you just called his idea for a new topic "worthless"
Why is it nighttime here, when the rest of the forum has daylight?
Because the world is square.
Where is my keyboard?
I stole it and through it into the sun.
What gave Phoenixguard the idea that I don't like you guys?
"Because you're both so self centred" ring a bell? :P
What made me think that NightAngel was being serious with his question?
Because this is a serous question/answer topic.
What made Phoenix think that Nightangel was being serious with his question? :P
Because I used the powers I inherited from the Deceiver to trick you. (I'm running with the whole celestial love child thing by the way.)
Can you feel the love tonight?
Yes. Or maybe it's just cold I'm feeling.
Have you got a computer. (Very stupid question)
No, I'm using an Ipad (actually JK, but I wanted to prove the necroposter wrong :P )
Why are Nightangel, Phoenixguard and Khan fighting over a cookie that they could split between the three of them?
We are taking in turns if you didn't notice.
When will Exilian end?
When you become inactive
Don't emoticons ever get tired of making the same action/face forever?
No. Because there paid $40,000 an hour.
Why is there a bead bunny on my monitor.
Because your bead Bunny reminds you of Bunneh's superiority
Why are the last six posts only from Khan and me?
Because necroposting is the best way of war. eg. post wars.
Why didn't Khan ask a stupid question?
Because he forgot.
Where have all the Bunny threads gone?
To hell and ba.. I mean not back.
Why did I forget to post.
Because you haven't considered including Bunny in your life, or because you are too busy necroposting
Why is the Exilian page so dark and spooky?
Because the bunneh has come. DOWN WITH THE BLOODY FURRY BUNNY!! - The Mongolian Hatter
Why did I almost forget to ask again?
Because you shocked yourself from what you answered.
Why does Khan hate Bunny so much?
Because Khans family worshiped the bunneh and bunneh killed the all.
Why doesn't Debux hate the bunneh?
Because Khans family worshiped the bunneh and bunneh killed them all.
Why doesn't Debux hate the bunneh?
Because he showed me the truth and showered me with meaningful happiness and bliss.
Why are Khan's double/triple posts so common?
because you care
why do I care also?...
Because you just lost your spoon
Why will my classes start one day before?
Because your teachers have all lost their spoons.
Why is Debux so obsessed with spoons?
IDK You the one with all the bird brains. You tell me.
Why is my topic so popular now :P?
Because you're now the popular King of teh Beer Cellar. All hail you
Why is my spoon bent?
Because you stepped on it and slipped knocking all the dust that fell on it and bent it.
Why was it the dust that bent it?
Because it was fart dust. It renders all elements except pudding useless or broken
Why is Mark's sig so crowded?
Because he likes it that way.
Why does Khan continuously forget to keep on with teh game?
He only remembers the 'stupid question'.
Just joking
Wheres Exilian
Exilian is in Willubilania
How does Phoenixguard always think of some real funkeh names?
The names from the Bible. :P
Where is Willubilania
Willubilania is in one of the pages of the Bible. Sadly, the Bible doesn't integrate 3D, so it's only on a piece of paper, and the inhabitants are limited to live a platform-game life.
Why is Khan the only one that likes to play Forum Games?
Because he wants to catch up with the time lost away and try to get more post than Phoenix.
How ever, you forget to ask once again :P
Why doesn't phoenix play with us anymore?
14 now in this one. Fellow Necroposter it's because he is not at post war any more.
Why does phoenix prefer to take care about his real life instead of starting a whole new era of post wars?
x15 xD
Because he had alot of casualtys in PW1.
Why are we having a post war?
16x YAY!!
Because it's fun while there is no one else willing to necro xD
Why are we counting our consecutive post counts?
x17 lol
Because your egomaniacs?
Do you know the muffin man?
I think I did, but he was to busy trying to find his sixth sense under his car, where he said he was sure it had fallen.
Is he nice?
Unless he is (Nightangle) the evil one that kills awesome post counts; no.
Where is Earth?
TENTHOUSAND YEARS away.
What's wrong with killing post combos?
Nothing is wrong. But then again, nothing is right. *dramatic look and music*
Why is my head full of random?
Because it's in your blood.
Why did Nightangle say 'TENTHOUSAND YEARS away.' instead of 'TEN THOUSAND LIGHT YEARS away.'?
Because in the future time measures distance and distance measures time.
How many roads must a man walk down?
The ones he chooses.
How many roads are there to choose from?
None. "The way is shut" (It was damn hard to find the exact quote for that, I couldn't remember it well)
Why are the Lord of the Rings movies probably the best adaptations (book to movie)?
Because it's awesome.
Why is it that Debux and I are the only ones participating in this Necro War?
Because the rest of us are mature adults.
What do you get if you say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious backwards?
Someone stupid enough to try to work it out. XD (That was a smart one :P )
Why did Nightangle think that we're stupid?
Because I'm so smart you seem dumb in comparison.
What is it to love?
I have lots of answers but your stupid to ask because it means that you don't know.
When will death come for me?
When I become bored of you.
How can I grow my business?
By growing some weed in your backyard
Why don't I have enough internets time?
Because your with Do-Do.
Can I please have some Waffles? Sorry, I mean carrots?
You can have some carrotwaffles.
Is there even such a thing as a carrotwaffle?
Yes. Yes there is.
At what point does the internet finally devour your soul?
When you go on 4chan...
Or does that not count as a stupid answer?
No it isn't not and stupid answer.
Whats pie?
A pie is a baked dish which is usually made of a pastry dough casing that covers or completely contains a filling of various sweet or savoury ingredients.
What kind of pie is the best? xD
3.14
Why am I typing to you?
is that a stupid question? O.o
Everyone. Welcome Death Nade. He is my Best Friend in RL. He is awesome and will make a good contribution to the now active members of Exilian. Welcome.
Is that a question? O_o
(ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer) ;D
Lol, yes it was a question.
Why ask if the stupid question was a question?
Because he wants a stupid answer? And another Aussie I presume? Welcome.
Why does Khan necropost? So much?
Because he wants to impress Death Nade
Why does Phoenixguard want to emulate Khan?
Because khan has a large area of land under is control and is rich.
why does debux have a rapping cat gif ?
Because both Debux and the DJ-Cat are awesome.
Why does Death Nade have an unhealthy obsession with owls?
Because he found it in the Wallpapers folder that someone put on his Portable Hard Drive.
Why does PG09 have a wild obsession with Hippagrifs?
I do not. It is in fact, a Gryphon.
Why does Mark have a wild fixation on Tasmangolians?
I am one. :P
Where does the world end and begin?
Actually if the world ends, to you it would end wherever you were/are currently standing whereas for others there world would end wherever they happen to be. And it would begin when your mum gives birth :P
Why are there for some reason almost 3200 members yet only about 15 or so are active?
Because we're so cool that we don't let the other participate. We delete their posts. They're like our serfs, doing our laundry and sometimes playing chess in the back yard.
Why doesn't CA want to make the TW as easily moddable like it was with the older games?
Becuz they're jelly that we can make it better. (actually there's probably some truth to that)
Why is the rum gone?
Because they're taking the hobbits to Isengard.
Why are they taking the hobbits to Isengard?
to see gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him
why do I much desire to speak to him?
You require him to testify in court.
One must never look in the eye of _______?
Fill in the blank.
MEDUSA!!!
Why did Nightangel feel the need to squash an upcoming ramble on about the creatures and people withing the pages of the book we all know as...LORD OF THE RINGS!.!.!
It would have angered mother.
Do you know the Muffin Man?
the muffin man?
who lives on dury lane?
Dury does
Why isn't the Spanish Inquisition expected?
because one of their chief weapons is surprise
How much does a witch weigh? (keeping to python humour here)
If she weighs the same as a duck it means she is made of wood and therefore will burn because she is a witch. Of course we can't build a bridge out of her because you can also do that with stone.
How do we know that the Earth is in fact, bannana-shaped?
Because I ate a hole straight through the center.
Why did PG09 use a weapon from Morrowind in his signature. (The Ban-Hammer)
Because I didn't know it was a Morrowind weapon. I've never even played Morrowind, hence why I was unnaware of the connotations.
Why is teh rum always gone?
Because pirates are bloody and have to use it to constantly disinfect themselves.
Can I have a cheeseburger?
No. Obviously.
Why can I not be a bad llama?
because you are not Aztec... [ ??? ]
Why can't I become Emperor of Atlantis? >:( hehheheheh ;D
Because Atlantis has always been a kingdom. No emperors. Only kings.
Why can't we have a grand-almighty-mega ruler of Australia? Yes that's right. I want a dictatorship. :P
Because Australians are posterity of Ancient, DEMOCRATIC athens and they don't like people like Julius Ceasar [DICTATOR] because they are not Roman-minded ! :o
Which is the best way to create an island with almost no money? ;)
The UK.
Spoiler
(http://trollface.sparxified.com/Trollface_HD.jpg)
How does one burn a Dinowitch?
Start from the inside.
Why is the sky green?
Somethings wrong with your retinas.
Why does the ground look so horrible when i look up :O
Because you broke gravity.
Why don't my biscuits soak up your tea?
Because the tea decided it was too awesome for your biscuts and doesnt want anything to do with them.
Why have I grown wings and terrible harpy talons?
Me and my awesome magic of course.
Why do I do the things I do?
Because your that damn swish ^^
Why does my cat hate me? :(
Because she's clever, ya know...
Why does my motorbike need petrol to moove? ???
Because it's water broke.
Why is there a horse in the background for the Europe 1080 banner.
They didn't have cars back then.
Why?
Because
What co-ordinates are Earth located at in the universe?
0,0, because humans invented the co-ordinate system so we can start where we damn well please.
Why can't I make fireballs spurt from my hands?
Because you forgot to lather on the petrol.
Is there more than one active girl on this forum?
P.S. Have you read my poem yet Jubal? :D
P.P.S. I first join Exilian for the Mount and Blade part of the Forum than the Beer Cellar and now... XD
P.P.P.S. Where is your sig Jubal? Newbies won't know what the first part of mine means without it. :P
No. No there is not.
Purple my blortch nogget?
Because hrigglefishes are blue. Obviously.
Because there is no question.
Wheres the Punk in Steam Punk?
At the end.
Where is the where in nowhere?
There is none... with the space it's "now here"
Whats the name of Australia.
Bob.
What would you name a wombat?
After our awesome ass country. Bob.
What is a "an"?
Bad grammar in that case.
What is the capital of Assyria?
Aisa
Khan, make a question as well, please :D
No. XD
Can you please direct me to the closest planet?
Welcome to planet Earth. Enjoy your stay. It's going to be long, hard and boring...
Will I ever make it home?
Only if you use the country road.
What do you do when the lies are true?
WARNING! EPIC POST FOLLOWS
That's when you... simply tell the truth to your mum. You broke the sweet Jar, right? ;D
Why is this room ready to collapse? :o
Cause I touched it.
Why is that flower staring at me?
Because it's in love with you! -Plants have feelings, lassie-
Why I am replying too quickly? ;D
If you think about the other post for too long than you wouldn't get as many posts in.
What if the answer isn't stupid?
Then it's clearly the opposite of maybe, which is perhaps.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
32 geometric tons each time.
Why is Tamriel Rebuilt so awesome. (That is a stupid question)
Because you are its builder!
Why is french cheese smelly? ???
Because it never takes a bloody shower, no matter how many times to tell it too.
Why do pools have to be full of water and not ice-cream?
Because I'm taller than you.
Quote from: Dimos on November 07, 2011, 03:34:17 PM
Because you are its builder!
I know thats a stupid answer but still, I'm not. Province: Cyrodiil on the other hand... not that either... yet. I'm still working on my showcase.
Why is me so cool? ;D <That is not a fault in my grammar. It's meant to be there>
He ever gave you that idea? lies and rubbish all :) ( that really was a stupid question :D)
Why am i always replying to The khan instead of someone in a different more interesting time zone?
Potatoes. Suddenly, potatoes.
Why do girls change?
Yo dawg, you can put one girl next to another, so the change ricochets back, and then you can still drive while it's all happening. It's a cool story, bro.
Isn't it true that Santa = Satan? Same letters same guy, right?
Yep, that's true. BTW. Tom Marvolo Riddle = I am Lord Voldemort (http://gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs3/1152462_o.gif).
Why can't I paint like a pro?
Because you have no thumbs, you silly wolf.
Why is DLing so complicated in Germany?
Punishment. ;)
My question is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuMZBcJRAXQ&t=7s
The reply is ''Beacause'' ! You video-guy!
Why can't my duck fly? :o
Because you're still holding it from it's leash, which you left my pet rock in charge. Poor duck is getting strangled by an inanimate object!
Why is Germany so crappy and has stupid GEMA BS not letting you see music videos?
Because because because because because of the wizard of Oz!
Why not?
Because because because because because the wizard of Oz is dead!
When?
1984.
How?
He turned into a Zombie!
Why?
Jubal married his sister!
And what happened next? ???
Then the opera ended, we stopped singing and could go back to normality again.
What is normality?
The opposite of perpetuality.
What is the color of green?
Nothing. Colours do not really exist!
What are french fries made of?
The French people. They use a blender than solidify them.
Where's the capitol of Mars located?
South of Baltimore.
I saved the real answer for my question:
What's in Uranus?
Gas.
Why am I cold?
Because the sun is too close to the Earth.
When is it today?
Now.
When is tomorrow?
The day after yesterday.
What time is the time before the time before time which then creates time while being a time itself?
Today at 10:00:33 AM
Where is the time located?
I have it...
What is the airspeed velocity of a cooked potato?
1 km... PER MILLISECOND!!!
Where is there located?
Over there.
Why do I have to go to this meeting?
To eat... you did say meating... right?
What's the name of the Universe?
It's called Serpantine
How do I climb to Mars?
Have Serpantine give you a ride.
Where does the end of the beginning begin?
If you fold the piece hamburger style then take a bite out of it, it starts just to the left of the mark left by your right lateral incisor.
What the portugal?
(that was my question) :)
It flue to the hospital (Pun intended) after it exploded... spontaneously.
Is there a way to stop Russia from takig over the world?
KILL IT WITH MUFFINS.
Is there a way to allow Russia to take over the world?
Give them killer muffins... FROM MUFFIN HELL!!!
What is a finger.
A forklift. ;D
What is a thumb?
A chair lift.
What is the definition of "Exilian"?
It means ''Formerly Ill Ian'' Ex-ill Ian'' :)
How can you destroy a strawberry? ::)
Throwing it to muffin hell!
Would you rather I asked this question, or someone else did?
What question?
Why do people scream when you try to kill them using a spoon?
Because Silverwolf has flooded youtube with some videos that show himself killing a poor man with it! And again and again again, again and again, again and again!
What's the best way to destroy a spoon?
Throw it in with the salad forks.
When can I stop typing this sentence?
When you manage to type a ♫.
When did I stop typing this sentence?
Before I answered it.
Which is the quickest way to write a poem?
Plagiarise.
What isn't the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
It certainly isn't equal to 0.
Can one ruler really rule them all? (We're talking about a ruler in metric units.)
If we make it King of all Rulers, yes.
Is a car better than a meerkat?
No, a whale is bigger than both. :P
Is a Khan better than a King?
No doubt he is... Who prefers houses than Yurts? Who prefers green European pastures than Asian wastelands? Who prefers Taking prisoners than killing whole Cities? None! All prefer to be Barbarian Khans and Khagans!
Is a King better than an Aristocrat?
No, because he's a turtle.
Who is the wobbliest of them all?
The stencil guy.
What does red mixed with string make?
Bloody Spaghetti!
What happens when you put wood with fire with water?
A chair burns and it does not burn at the same time.
What's to happen if I move my finger one inch? :P
Your head would turn inside out. :(
When does the color three begin when it is cold outside?
When the number "C" eats it's morning lunch for afternoon breakfast before the after early morning.
When is the world NOT going to end?
Yesterday it's not going to happen, 100% scientifically confirmed.
Where is the Lion that eats strawberry pies?
:( Eating my strawberry pies. :'(
What happened to Khan's stupid question?
He ate it in the absence of his strawberry pies.
What happened to my stupid question?
It ran away with my strawberry pie.
Where is the ground located?
Somewhere between here and eternity. (stupid answer?)
Which way is up?
The way which isn't not down from the location of below the sky (what?).
What is a state of being?
Seriously, a state of continuous becoming...
Stupid-ly it's a state of immobility of the whole!
What is the best way to become a philosopher?
Buy a hamburger but don't eat it.
Why is it that every time I go to think of a stupid question for this game I always first think of "Why is the rum gone?"?
Because... I'M THE KING OF RUM AND YOU LOVE TO BOW TO ME!!!!
Why is there a clock on my computer?
Because it fell off your wall...
Why there are Window frames made of Aluminium?
Because if they were made of lead than you'd die.
Where's the fun in that?
Somewhere in outter space.
What's the best way to dig?
With your fists. ;)
Where is my question?
It was eaten by the Lion that ate the strawberry pies as a desert.
What's to happen if all gases are set free?
Saturn turns into a black whole and swallows the Milky Way up.
How is everyone?
AWESOME.
Who am I?
The Basileus of England.
What is the truth of society?
That THE MUFFINS ARE ALL GONE.
What is the answer to this question?
This.
Why do birds suddenly appear? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6inwzOooXRU)
Because they have nowhere to dig to. China is too far away.
What is the definition of Pi?
A really nice food substance.
Why is there a ruler on my door?
Because his rebellious people nailed him there.
Why is the rum always gone?
Because the guy who drank it is a very sexy man.
Why did my glasses break?
Because you crushed them against my chest last weekend when we hugged.
Why does everything spin when I stand up?
Because I'm that damn good ;)
Why do I not get to hug you more? :D
Because you're that damned good. ;)
Why is there no Coke either?
Cause I'm that damn good ;D
Why have I got a pillow on my head?
Because I am that damned good. :P
Why does my keyboard make funny clicking noises? :D
Because I am that damn good ;)
Why does my back hurt?
BECAUSE I AM THAT DAMNED GOOD! HAHAHAHA! YES I WIN THIS ROUND TOO LADYHAWK!
Why is it that I win wars with such effortless ease? :P
Only because I let you dear ;)
Why does the woman always have the upper hand? ;)
Because guys are inherently more vulnerable. :P
Why do I not understand that I will lose eventually?
Because you are male ;)
Why are guys so easy to manipulate?
Because they just like to make you think that. ;)
Why do girls like guy so much?
Which guy?
Really, who is that guy?
Gman
Why doesn't my bloody cold want to go away?! I've had it for like a week, we have almost autumn weather (and it's almost mid-winter in reality), but it's still there!
Because you haven't told it goodbye.
It that cat being a DJ?
It's a gansta rapper... :o
What does a gangsta rapper cat eat? ???
Hobo mice
What is a Hobo mouse?
A mouse that has a hobby... [For example diss raping against the Gansta raping cats]
What's the best way to get a concert ticket for free? :P :P :P :P :P [I want one!]
Dig a ticket mine.
How deep would you have to dig?
That depends on the ticket.
Why do I have Hay Fever?
Because the grass needs water to shrink. O.o
Whats a dog called?
Hot dog.
Why are porcelain dolls so creepy?
Because they say nasty stuff about Exilian.
What's a porcelain doll?
Really creepy spawns of devil.
Why do I hear thunder strikes?
Because you are nuts!
Why do I see blue and yellow dots all over the trees? [hey, that's indeed very very stupid!! :D]
Your on Jupiter and you have a purple dog that effects your eye site to see those dots as blue and yellow instead of Red and Green.
Why do I hear Lightning strikes? ;)
Because maybe you're trying to get someone to reply in an internal joke that you have with such person, but I choose to answer stupidly.
(Yeah, today I'm speaking Engrish)
Why can't I talk coherently in any language today?
Because French is too much, German is too less and European is too annoying.
Where is my questionable answer?
Quote from: The Khan on June 09, 2012, 02:26:13 AM
Where is my questionable answer?
Spoiler
(http://i.minus.com/jbxuqKgmr76JdB.png) (http://minus.com/lbxuqKgmr76JdB)
Why can't I even think straight today?
Think vertical or horizontally instead.
Where is my sanity?
Bend over and I'll show you.
Why are boobs good? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=een355zbbmM)
Because they produce the stuff that the ground needs to grow...
Why is that the best answer I have?
Because it's 3.39 am here :P
How did time fly away so fast?
Because you through the clock out the window.
Where is death?
Throwing 'nades.
Why are my puns so lame?
You didn't use enough baking powder.
Why is it so damn hot outside?
Because we stopped having summer weather down here (when we should be almost in the middle of winter), so all the wrold-heat relocated right to your house/apartment.
Why is "The Nausea" from Sartre such a hard read?
Because you always get dizzy at the start of the chapters.
Why is a Stargate called a worm hole?
Because all other names were already registered...
Why do I look the sky only when it has no sun?
Because you'd rather look at it when it has a daughter. ;)
How do magnets work?
Spoiler
(http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110204201432/bakuganrandomtalk/images/c/c8/TrollFace.png)
By pulling this lever and pushing this button.
How is it that every time I return to Exilian there is no other active members other than who was already there?
Because you're doing an awful recruitment job :P
Why is facebook so armadilloty?
Because the logo is blue.
Why is it blue?
Because it's a disgusting colour that induces terminal vomiting.
Why would I say such thing from my favorite colour?
Because you secretly despise your favorite colour.
What is my favorite colour?
Your favorite colour is POTATO
Why can't I make it look as if I'd say "POTATO" really fast and with an asiatic accent?
Because it's the Internet.
Where is that when it wasn't not here for the than and there?
It's 10 yards away from your backyard,
What's the best way to calm a furious inguana?
...A shotgun.
Wer is my spilleng gon?
it's gone shooting with the said shotgun...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f77MshQoyP0
Which is the most beatiful girL in the worLd??
Lizzy Lee?
Why did it take me so long to come up with the a lame name?!?!
Because you've got an awesome imagination.
Why did I just do that!!!
Because you too have an awesome imagination.
Why did Khan use exclamation marks instead of question marks?
Because he's awesome???
Why is that there of when it was not here?
It's in a tunel under your house! ;)
Who is the best man below earth??
Me, in the tunnel under my house. ;)
What's dead?
It's "daed", but written the other way around.
Why doesn't PH09 like me anymore? :'(
Because you turned into Dimos. ;D
What's a Guangzhou?
It's what your name is going to turn into if you are going to continue calling me Dimos (it really gets confusing in the thread that we both "Dimos"' post lol )
What is Guangzhou, but for real now? :P
A random word I found in the Opera spell check when I right click on a word that I forgot... I'll call you Somid than.
What is the Max Population of Exilian?
The population of Exilian is defined by the amount of inhabitants found in the precise moment (yes, the same second you're reading this on) in China, divided by the word "Exilian". As you can see, everything is defined by what happens in China.
Why is Worms Reloaded such a disgrace to the Worms Saga?
Because it is only RE-loaded. A Worms Loaded game would've been much better.
Why did Khan, after given such a stupid question, never made a equally good stupid question after it? :P
Because my Internet love messing with me >:(
Who does the Internet love?
I think there is a much better question, that could answer yours: "What is love?" (http://youtu.be/VVmbhYKDKfU)
So yeah, what is love?
An amazing song.
What is life?
An amazing board game. ;)
What is the answer to this forum?
Potato.
Why didn't I make myself lunch?
Because the Exilian Potato stole it.
Why is it that I always seem to do something wrong?
Because you forgot to do your hourly praise to the Exilian Potato.
Why are Potatoes starting to become popular?
Because from such seeds are memes born.
Or perhaps from such potatoes.
Why doesn't the world go around the sun in a rectangle?
Because the pagan god known as Fisicks likes it that way.
Why did I forget to post a question last time?
Because the regular rules do not apply to the King of the Wibulnibs.
Why can't I think of any questions?
Because the King of the Wibulnibs stole the one you were about to post in the post before yours.
And he has stolen your question too, mwahahahahahahaha.
Find me a new fantasy novel to enjoy.
Because it wasn't a question.
What is the King to do when he can't see a sword?
He can peel potatoes
Why do I like to spam potatoes?
So people can mash them for the Kings dinner.
What does the king do in his spare time?
He goes hunting in his bathroom... He tries to find the Royal Spider!
So what does a pangolin do when he meets an armadillo? [That's Jubal's sphere of interest, he might kniow about it...]
Calls the King to deal with him. ;D
Where is the King when he's hungry?
In the stable. He has very un-common tastes.
What do the horses think of the King eating their food (and the "leftovers" of it)?
That it's very nice of him. They can't eat it all by themselves.
Why does the King have such a bad taste in food?
Because you're too fuzzy and aren't willing to try new things (hay is delicious! I don't know about the other though)
Why doesn't Khan like hay?
In fact he does like hay...
When is Khan eating his hay snack? Dinner or Breakfast? :P
Whenever the King does. ;D
What country is the King a war with?
Portugal ;D
Why does the king hate portugal?
Because it fills his country with shrapnel.
How does the King resolve this?
Because it fills his country with shrapnel.
How does the King resolve this?
By spamming the forums (with a double post *whistles* )
How can the King stay as governor, when all he does is spend time on the computer and in the stables?
He uses the Khan's trusted Mercenaries, which guard his throne from possible rebels or pretenders...
''Khan Save the King'' is the Anthem BTW and it's sung by the ''Copulation Revolvers''.
Who is the lead singer of the Copulation revolvers??
His name is a secret. He is only known as "The long appendage of the procreational law".
Why are butt pirates butt pirates?
Because or else they'd be pirate boots (ha!)
How can some puns be so lame?
Because they can't walk under their own power. (I figured a lame pun about lame puns was in keeping with the conversation. :P )
Why can't lame Punpuns walk?
Because they don't want to.
Why don't I have more then 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 posts?
*cough cough* SJdG, you forgot to answer PG's question :P *more casual coughing*
Mostly because... you didn't answer PG's question ;D Serves you right!
Why am I sneezing so bad?! (I've used almost like 50 mts, or 160 feet, of toilet paper in one afternoon. WHAT IT WRONG WITH ME WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME NOSE I DONT UNDERSTAND)
Because it's always Jubal's fault!
Why is there a spider in Exilian?
*Edited other post*
Because the spider wants to be in Exilian.
Why aren't I god?
Because the earth would be doomed.
Where did the rest of my body go?
You're standing on it.
What is a weird name like feet?
Hands?
Why aren't I a KAG guard? (which I am guessing only Khan can answer)
(Well you're lucky than)
Because you don't have feet. ;)
Why isn't his name ImAwesome like it is on the other forum?
Cuz he forgot how to spell it.
Why did he choose Sir J de Gamer as his new name?
Because I wanted to use it.
Why do I suck at KAG?
Because you don't have the Exilian crew to help you out or as we like to call ourselves, The E-Team (http://exilian.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=1180.0).
What compelled us to do such a thing?
Because Portugal was about to asplode :P
Why is Khan spamming again?
Because he got a sudden urge to... WIN THE GAME!! (I just lost the game)
What is there that's when we're over here to see that?
The last thing you'll ever see.
Why is my chair so low?
Because the Exilian Spider (http://exilian.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=1133.msg51693#msg51693) did it!
What is it doing that for?
It wants to frame you.
Where is dat Exilian Spider?
I think it's hanging around the wasteland of what's left of the Mount and Blade modding section.
Why is that place so dead?
Cause peasant with petrified piece of wood can knock fully armored knight unconcious.
Who gave petrified wood to M&B population?
The spider
What is petrified wood?
Dunno, but it tastes like chicken.
Does everything taste like chicken?
Because chicken is good. Just look at KFC
Why do the good music groups always dissolve or evolve into something less epic then they were one time?
Because DJ cat made them watch him more and practice less.
Why do woodchucks chuck wood?
Because they're woodchucks.
Is De Gamer a woodchuck?
Dunno, not sure if I have ever chucked wood at something.
(yes I do know what wood chucks actually do, this is a joke)
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck norris?
Bruce Lee
Should I have Armadillo for dinner?
Only if you share.
Will Ashan share?
Share his food, no. Share his soul, yes.
Why are potatoes so delicious?
Because they fall from the sky and are made of crystallized star dust. (http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Suddenly_677232_1342933.jpeg)
Why is "all together" spelled separate and "separate" is spelled all together?
Because it is altogether stupid.
What's that noise? (hint: it's the TV)
It's the lawnmover (yes, mover).
Any1 want some cheese?
Sure.
Anyone have crackers?
Potatoes here.
Does feet have one foot or many feet?
She has turnip.
What's the diference between a turkey?
The "between" part. Turkeys don't know how to speak.
How can you relate these two totally unrelated sentences?
With some string.
Are potatoes amphibious?
Only if properly submerged.
Where are my wings?
They were eaten by your kitten... ;)
Why I can't Sing the song that whales sing during the reproduction period?????? ??? ;D
Because Whales can't stand the Mediterranean climate you live in. That's why your vocal chords can even come close to imitating it (although it would be funny if you'd try ;D )
Why is Dimos thinking about female Whales?
Becuse he plans a road trip to Western Wales... (Everybody who plans a trip in Wales, thinks of Whales, at least for once...)
Why I plan a road trip to wales, withought inviting the Prince of Whales? ;D
Because you don't like the fact he can't sing like a Whale :D
What can Dimos find attractive in Wales when there are no Whale museums there?
Someone the size of a whale.
What does whale taste like?
It tastes like fishies guts and assorted woodwork pieces.
How stinky are feets feet?
As much as mine. ;D
Why do my feet stink as much as feets feet?
Because YOU ARE FEET.
Why am I not feet?
Because you are Jubal.
Why do I have to stay in school to half 7p.m. tonight? ???
Life sucks.
Why does it suck... >:(
Because it's like candy!
Is it possible to relate candy to life?
It is possible that it is possible.
Is it possible that it is possible that if it is possible that it is possibly related to that possibility?
Spoiler
(http://pic.jpgdump.com/20921.jpg)
Why do memes exist?
I don't always answer questions like that, but when I do I do it with memes,
Why am I never gonna give you up?
The answer is:
Spoiler
Why did the singer had to die? He was the most awsome person on the world... :'(
Because you killed him.
Why is he awesome?
He's awesome because he stole Awesomeness from the ''World's Organization for Awesome Things''
Where is the said organization located?
At the International Institute of Awesome, in the North of England.
Who is head of the aforementioned organisation?
My goldfish. Check out it's awesome scales.
Can I haz cheezebuga?
Hell no. You get this instead:
Spoiler
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/63/Cevapcici_in_somun.JPG.jpg (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/63/Cevapcici_in_somun.JPG.jpg)
How do people react to the picture above?
... what is that? :P
Do you think Skull will be able to explain the image he posted?
He already did. 1 picture is 1000 words, they say. :)
Why I'm so Magnificent? ;D :D :) :) :D ;D
My reply to my stupid answer
Because my Hidden name is Suleyman (Ottoman Sultan, nicknamed ''the Magnificent'')
Because you are Suleiman the Magnificent.
Why is Dimos in Civ V?
Because I generously gave up my place to allow him to be. :P
Why am I not working right now?
Because you are the True Sultan. Sultans simply eat and have some sexual intercourse with the concumbines...
;)
Why Jubal is such a glorious Sultan?
Because he's a duke, a wanderer, a philosopher, a mariner, a warrior, a strategist, a storyteller, a wizard and a wayfarer, all at the same time.
Why haven't I bought M&B yet?
Because it costs so little.
How the heck did all this skin get on me?
Because you forgot to make to make the snake dance-ritual to change your skin.
Why do we always use "x" and/or "y" for unknown variables in math?
Because X and Y are the unknown children of our (true :D ;D :) ) ancestors, Adam and (New Year's) Eve.
Why those children remained unknown 'till Somid's Revealation in the year 2012 after J.C.? :D
Because Midos is the magical secret keeper of the World's Greatest Secrets!
Why was Midos chosen as the keeper of World's Greatest Secrets?
Because he's self appointed.
Who cut the cheese?
Whoever smelt it dealt it.
Who ate the cheese?
You did! Yes, you, the READER!
Why do you read my answer?
Because I ran out of stuff to read :P
Why am I so good at procrastinating?
Quote from: debux on October 01, 2012, 09:39:57 PM
... what is that? :P
Best food in the world. You Germanic people are missing A LOT...
Back on the topic...
I don't know what does that mean... :-\
Why is Civ 4 so awesome?
I don't know what that means...
What can I do to be able to fly?
Try like that medieval Chinese scientist dude that blew himself up.
Why is Civilization 4 so awesome?
Because I haven't got to it yet
Why am I tired?
Because you Stoped tinking for a second...
How can we help feet find her relaxation once more?
Feet is a female???
Why didn't I know this until now?
Because I didn't show you any proof?
Why are you shocked?
I am not,I was just a bit surprised.
Why did feet think I was shocked?
Because you used three '?'
Two is surprised, Three is shocked.
Why didn't you know this??? Everyone knows this.
I am too busy.
Why am I so busy?
Because you have too much free time.
Why the portugal is the rum gone?
Because the rum thief took it.
Who is the rum thief?
The guy who dislikes Port.
Why are spiders so cute?
Because their fangs look like eyes.
What's a crayon?
A banana!
Why am I a banana?
Because... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3ZAGBL6UBA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3ZAGBL6UBA).
Why am I watching this?
Cuz you're a cow.
Why do cows watch it?
Because it's just moo-tiful.
Why are my puns so punbelievable?
Because you are a pun-cake maker!
Who ate the pun-cake of Jub'L?
Me.
Why was that question stupid?
Because the answer given had already been predicted, so the author of the question made no effort to make it more complex.
Why am I so confusing when trying to explain something?
Because you are Confucius.
Why is Dimos Confucius?
And why is he immortal?
Because he lives my backyard.
And he really is immoral.
Why is he so immoral?
Because HE is myself.
Why I am what I am?
You won a race while you were still made out of Sugar and Vitamin C!
What would happen if none of us won the race while we were still made out of Sugar and Vitamin C?
Then I would be you and you would be me!
What would be our emotions if I wasn't me and you wasn't you?
I would be terribly confused, because I have a hard time understand those "if you were you" questions.
Why am I so retarded?
Because you took a retirment...
Why Debux flew off to Geneva, while he had an afternoon fever? (fevah ;) )
To spread the Zombie Apocalypse that we're yet to hear of...
Why do I live on a farm?
*Celestial angels drop from the sky and sing the answer in the holiest of voices* Because you like to milk cows. You liiiike to milk cows
(Hey, the topic title is "Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer". Without the asterisks it wasn't stupid enough)
If you had to eat thirty bananas for every hour you spent playing video games, how long would you play daily, and how long do you think you'd last before you couldn't take it anymore?
...I really barely play video games ever anymore... but I'd play them 24/7 if the were free. That's 1640 bananas a day! Who would say no to that!? I'd last the rest of my lifetime!
Why is it 31,556,952 seconds in a year and not 31,556,926 or the other way around?
Because you are the UNholy TIME-KeepER of the UNI-verse.
Why do I write SO GoOd th1ngZ?
Se equívoca usted señor, mi nombre es Juan Pérez.
Why don't we have tentacles instead of toes?
Because we exchanged brains with Octapuses at the dawn of Creation!
Why Creation happened at dawn? (I was still sleeping, what about you?)
Because every other timeslot was taken.
Why aren't I a butterfly?
Because you still need to become a caterpillar yet.
What is the meaning of the word "Gropspernadely"?
It meAns N0w!
Why Khan is truly ''The An-Kh'' ? (egyptian symbol of life)
Because Dimos (Not you) made it so.
Why is Debux truly Dimos?
Because if he wasn't,that would cause a paradox.
Why do people like beer so much?
What was that? Bear? Because Bear meet tastes nice.
Why is CoD such a bad game?
Because it is a C.O.D. (Creation OF Dimos - Not me)!
Why I am not Dimos?
Because you are Somid, the real Dimos sometimes goes by the name "debux"... but we all know that's not true.
Whai you forget to question? ???
Because the question fell off the screen.
What does a unicorn look like?
Like this!
Spoiler
(http://laughingsquid.com/wp-content/uploads/123642.jpg)
How does one know if I said armadillo or armadillo?
Jubal could turn off the censorship thingy.
Have I made up for my recent bout of inactivity yet?
It doesn't matter because Exilian is such an active and vibrant place!
Spoiler
Serious answer: make ALL of the posts!
Why am I sad?
Because you are not singing enough! Sing more!
Why don't I have thirteen clocks in my room?
Because you are not the Duke of Coffin Castle.
Why am I not Zorn of Zorna?
Because you are Xingu.
Why can I no longer weep?
Because you misheard Gandalf and thought that all tears WERE evil.
Never mind the dogs, who let the damn llamas out?
Joe of Joe Hall.
Where in the world is Carmen Losangeles?
Mogadishu
Why isn't the Easter Bunny a guinea pig?
He simply lacks the fat deposits needed to assume that position of honor.
Is Earth a lady planet?
No
How long is soon?
Not too far off
What defines "stupid" in this thread?
Anything and everything.
Why is this platform so cold?
Because heat cannot of itself pass from one body to a hotter body EXCEPT WHEN IT IS ON THAT PLATFORM.
Why is Madagascar not the most powerful nation ever?
:o
They forgot where they hid it!!
Will you stop and stare?
No, I will stop and swear!
.
Dammit.
Who will be the chosen three?
Those three who know not what they are and yet see it in others!
Shall we get ready to rumble?
We shall, in the east on the seventh day.
...
RIDERS OF THEODEN! ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLEEEEEE?
Would the Pellenor have gone differently if the orcs had had sniper rifles?
Yes.
And yes, most likely.
Is Jubal cheating in asking two questions?
No and yes.
Is yes better than no?
Definitely not.
Why is there a saw located adjacent to the toilet?
Because I couldn't find the francisca.
Why couldn't I find the francisca?
It has been recycled and turned into a toilet plunger and 4 tin cans.
Why are toilet plungers so dangerous?
They just suck you in.
Why so awesome?
Because you so awesome! ;D
Why Exilian?
Because it so awesome :D
Why should one reach for the stars?
Because they might try to reach for you first...
Why should we strike our enemies before they strike us?
Because if we struck ourselves before our enemies struck us we'd have been struck twice running.
Why is paper better than glass for writing on?
It's less likely to kill you if it breaks. Just watch out for fire.
Is high velocity glass shrapnel really that more dangerous than a high velocity burning book?
Depends on the airspeed velocity of the unladen textbook. ;D
Why are snakes so funny?
They have no hands or feet so it looks like they spend all their time rofl-ing.
What's the soup du jour?
Soup flavour.
What is a flavour?
Same thing as a flavor.
Right?
LEFT!
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-t_zoX1anS0o/UDcNvv-I6yI/AAAAAAAAACs/kNtlHHxwW_M/s1600/marxism.jpg)
Centre?
Absolutely not. How could you even suggest such a ridiculous idea?
Why bubbles so awesome?
Because necrobubbles, recreated from unbubbledom, are going to doom the WORLD!
Why was Lloyd George not Irish?
because he couldnt find the pot o' gold.
why couldnt the cat shave his face?
Because he doesn't have posable thumbs.
Why does my Cravendale milk keep on disappearing?
Because a flying pig steals it on daily basis!! ;)
What use has the Cravendale milk for the winged porky? :P
to make Cravendale milk battered onion rings.
who does piggy makes these for?
To try and convince the flying wolves to become vegetarian.
What should I do until I have work this afternoon?
pick your nose.
what's frank doing on the wall?
He likes the Wallflowers.
Why does Frank like $200 suits?
they cover his prickly man boobs best.
why does CG have ticks?
Cuz he is a bovine that roves outside in cow country filth.
Why don't zebras have horns??????????????????????????????????????
they are not needed in reproduction.
why is CG so darn cool?? :o
Air conditioning.
Can I ask a question?
i think ur hands and fingers work ;)
why couldnt you?
Because I was too busy with making tea.
Why are meteorites so helpful?
Because they like to be.
Why am I home from work 6 hours early?
Because life has removed the joy from my life and put it into yours :)
Why is maths a thing?
Its not.
Why is it still not raining?
NOT ANY MORE!
Because Jesus has a strong bladder.
What will I do with myself now?
All.
Whatsamattahomah?
Whatsawhat?
What do I do when I do all I can do, and what do I don't do when I do what I won't?
Give up? :P
Where are the orange smarties?!
In Orange County.
Are all socks destined to be smelly?
Depends, is that an African or European sock?
Who am I?
24601 :P
Where are my dragons? :P
They just popped out for a smoke :P
Where have all the flowers gone?
I just saw them.
My arm itches. Why is that?
Your arm is free and independent and its life choices are its own.
Why do birds suddenly appear?
Because I am near, of course!
Where do you think the bluebirds will be tomorrow?
Those cheery looking little guys will be where they hide away when they think no one's looking; a tavern drowning their inner sorrow.
Why is this cow a deep shade of violet?
Because you are strangling it.
How do you strangle a cow?
With strawberry laces of course!
What's an orchid's favourite colour?
It appears to be blue, but orchids can't see it... and that makes them unhappy!!
What's the best way to produce electricity?
KITTENFUSION!
Where do the rainbows go?
Bend over and I'll show you. ;D
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
About 7.
Why is the monster so sad?
Someone stole his Fruity Pebbles!
Who would do such a thing?
A monster, no doubt.
Why the monster that stole the monster's fruity pebbles is a monster?
Because Fruity Pebbles are SOMUCHMUNCHIESSSNOMNOMNOM.
How do they make those pebbles so fruity?
Controlled collisions of pebbles and fruitbowls :D
Why do owls snack when no one's looking?
Because when people are looking they feel shy.
Why are moles black?
(http://www.britishmolecatchers.co.uk/images/Sale%20Items%20Pictures/PewterAlbino1.jpg)
Because white ones look silly ^
Why is SotK only an outline in his flat two years ago?
Because he is a mysterious lizard.
Why is the red dragon Falk the happiest looking dragon?
Because red is the best colour.
What is the best name for a dragon?
Baby Soup :P
Why is it that profiteroles have such high standards?
To mark them out from plebbish puddings. :P
Why are peasants awesome?
Because they hold the secret to truly perfect vegetables.
Why do bottles of wine never last as long as you want them to?
So that you buy more.
Why haven't we bought more?
Because silly socks are silly.
Why is the chilli so tasty?
Because it was cooked by the Sock.
Why didn't the Tea warn me of a lack of wine?!
The Tea did warn you :P stubborn donkey.
Why is the ceiling never as far away as you think?
The same reason the floor isn't.
What is a muffin?
A follower of the cult of Bakery.
Which cheese is the saddest inside?
Gouda.
Which cheese tastes of feet?
La Cheese de la pieds.
What is the quickest way to attract the rare violet butterbee?
Put some red margarine on a wasp.
How fast is a speeding bullet?
Fast as a speeding bullet.
Which emotion is hiding something?
The seventh one.
What does 'meh' stand for?
Mechanical El Hussein, a secret terrorist organization...
What's a pillow withought duck feathers inside?
Nothing. A pillow without duck feathers is a lonely, empty thing...
Where is the Annual General Meeting of Honeybees being held in 2013?
Next to you!
How does that make you feel? :P
Like a melting strawberry ice cream cone.
Where did all the raspberries go?
Picked by young rabbits every one.
When will they ever learn?
Tuesday?
What day is that?
The day the bananas shall leave the nest.
Why do the ice lollies fight back?
Because they have been oppressed for far too long!
Where should I go tomorrow?
Out.
How do fans work?
They don't work... they're alive, as alive as we are!
Why is the sky crying?
The sky is sad because she lost her blue socks...
Where are the sky's blue socks?
Right here:
Do I eat chimpanzees?
Undoubtedly.
Where have all the huggles gone? (Long time passing)
They've gone to the huggle afterlife.
Why are trains stupid?
Their school career went woefully off track.
Why aren't Daleks cuddly?
Except in rare cases, any positive feelings shown towards them causes confusion, and they overheat and combust, hence their cold disposition.
Why did the donkey have to drown? :(
Because he couldn't swim, duh.
Is time the wheel that turns or the path it leads?
Neither! Time is TIMELESS! :P
How can I buy a thing that does not exist in reality, yet pay with real money?
You can buy my care, just send me money. ;D
Are octopusses the same as octopi?
Yes, yes they are...
Is it just me or is it hot in here?
It's just you being hot in here.
Can I get a hot tub?
No, but you can get a tub then heat it up.
Should I use pritt stick, or spaghetti?
Use Brad Pitt sticks.
Does "C" stand for clam hat?
Yes, it also stands for crab, car, camp and cholangiocholecystocholedochetomy.
What does a dragon look like?
Just like every other landscape. The Dra has already gone.
How many dolls is too many dolls?
None, I would swim in a sea of dolls if I could.
What do you get if dog was upside down?
qo∂
Can Khan Khaaan Khan's can?
No, he's too Nahk to Kahn the Khaaaan!
What's the definition of definition?
YOU BROKE THE INTERNET! (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htzlhTvIQo4)
How much is two internets plus 19 super-internets divided by the square root of Khan?
As much as the power supplied by googling bing or binging google.
Where are all the good days?
Well,I am sure they are somewhere around here...
Am I the only man around here that thinks that the plot of the Assassin's Creed series makes no sense?
You might be, I don't know. But there's certainly a woman over here who, while it is the best game series ever, feels somewhat dubious about the occasional plot point :P
How many cats should I get?
Hundreds of Thousands, and than you can take over the world using cats! Mwahahaha!
What's a box?
Quote from: The Khan on August 31, 2013, 09:08:26 AM
Hundreds of Thousands, and than you can take over the world using cats! Mwahahaha!
What's a box?
(http://www.wiichat.com/forum/attachments/nintendo-wii-chat/2247d1176659897-solid-snake-box-papercraft-snakebox.jpg)
What is a man?!?!
Me, I'm the manliest man around.
What's a woman?
Good question.
How is a man "manly"?
By being like me.
How does fire work?
Magnets.
Are grubs tasty?
Yes, especially when they're covered in dirt. Adds the extra flavour.
How does water work?
Magnets.
Should I put the pin back in the grenade?
Yes! Have you got no fashion sense?
What's on my head?
A whole family of ducks.
Why did the mushrooms leave the citadel?
To swim in the pond.
Why is Exilian awesome?
Because it includes a notion of awesomeness in its whole universe!
Who created awesomeness in exilian universe?
The all powerful Nahk!
What is the purpose of a toaster?
To destroy the evil bread monkeys!
What exactly is the purpose of a rubber duck?
The same as a rubber person. ;)
Can I do it?
You Kant do it.
What [k]an [c]angaroos do?
Well, they Khan't lift so not much really.
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
0, dogs can't change light bulbs, silly.
How many Rothko paintings can you hang in a room before the minimalism becomes maximism? N.b. I only know of Rothko's existence from googling my username :P
As many as I like! My room is never ending!
How would a cat fly?
On a chariot of fire!
Who is my door?
It's me! I'm always looking in on your room when you close me.
What's dead?
Most things :P
What's alive?
Not you.
What's impossible?
you.....being related to me.
How do you fly?
I flap my legs, not my arms.
How do you walk?
Do the truffle-shuffle.
Doctor who?
Steve, his name is Steve.
Is there?
Anywhere.
Why or not?
Just cus!
How so?
Incredible Bongo Band so.
Should Anthropology take boiled eggs into consideration, since they are the pillar or a good breakfast?
Yes, it's very important for astrology as well.
Can they be dead when their alive too?
No, because they cannot own an alive, it's an adjective.
Doctor Whom?
Doctor youm!
What's better paint or sand?
Sand, because if you sand paint it gets rid of it, but if you paint sand you just end up with sand everywhere and stuck to everything.
Humanoid or non-humanoid aliens?
The non-humanoid aliens are more to my liking, even over humans. They are much more beautiful. (Don't judge me!!)
Where is my cookie?
Dimos is your cookie.
Where is my cow?
Not CG... we don't want to make him a martyr in the eyes of the bovine beings.
If not CG than where is Jubby Wubbies cow?
You are my cow.
Who is my sandwich?
We need more women on the planet.
(Sorry, had to make a sexist joke, too long since I haven't made one).
Why do the dead stay dead?
Because they're mean enough to deprive us of a zombie apocalypse.
Where's my brain?
It's where you left it, remember? I can't.
Why I am amnesiac?
Because you like it like that.
Why is there heat in a microwave?
Because small/micro is hot. Big is cold. Logic!
Why do we listen to music through our ears?
Cuz it smells sooooo bad! :o
How you doin'?
Horribly awesome!
How's Obama?
Horribly awesome!
Why does the sun go down at night?
Because we're all horribly awesome!
Are you guy?
No, I'm Will.
Why is everyone in the Kingdom white?
Because to find black people you have to travel far south.
What's the place far south called?
White Kingdom.
Why is racism bad?
Because street racing leads to deaths. (if a person who plays the piano is called a pianist then a person who races is a racist)
What happened on this day next year?
The 17th of December.
What's a CG called?
The spawn of orcs and goblin-men.
Which Khan is The Khan?
^^ That Khan.
Why does the sun go down at night?
Because it comes up in the morning.
Why does it come up in the morning?
Because it needs to go down again at night.
Why is paper not rock?
Because scissors can cut one but not the other.
Why is it that this has that but that doesn't want those?
Because those have the other, and the other is superiorly inferior to this.
Whyfore England?
To which England said "Because thou hast named me after a country".
Why so serious?
HA! HAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
Where is everything?
In my stomach. Sorry, I got a bit Hungary. ;)
How many people can fit inside an infinite world?
A pancake is worth 5 cents in Australia though.
What land's currency was I talking of?
Xubed!
What is an xubed?
17.
Why would anyone not vote Pentagathus in the upcoming elections?
Because... he's mean. >:( Nasty Penty! >:(
Why would we vote for Pentagathus?
Because he threatened to crush us into dust and feed us to cows?
Why would I be reading more about Roman Law?
Italians come from Italy.
Why is the Andy Griffith show called the Andy Griffith show even though Andy Griffith plays a character named Andy Taylor?
Because he's a duckfaced alpacaerpillar.
How come Santa can climb into children's rooms at night and empty his sack, but when I do it I get put on the sex offenders' list?
It's the federal government.
Like and subscribe?
(http://static.businessinsider.com/image/51963a396bb3f77b52000004/image.jpg)
Why is grumpy cat going to appear in the next series of Doctor Who?
Because, it will be the doctor! Mwahahaha!
What is a Tardis?
It's a tetris (Tetromino Enhanced Tesselating Rows In Space)
Doctor Wut?
You mean Doctor Woot?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Cake or Muffins as an inoffensive weapon?
Cup cakes, they explode much bigger.
Who can fly?
Manatees.
Why do manatees not drink mana tea?
It's made with their urine.
Is it necessary that I drink my own urine? (it's sterile and I like the taste) Reference anyone?
Depends. If you are on a lost island and that is your only source of "drinkable" liquid,then yes.
In all other cases,no.
What do you do if you get attacked by a Pangolin?
You die. Nobody could survive that.
Am I really a tree?
Tree? You are no tree! You are an elephant.
Does that make you lappy?
I guess not.
What makes Pangolins so awesome?
Their poo.
What makes skulls so cranial?
Their poo.
Ask a stupid question.
Get a stupid answer. (Sorry.)
Is my hat ever going to fulfil its dreams?
Once you set it free! Free to follow its hat-heart!
Why Jubal enslaved his hat so brutaly?
Jubal likes hats.
How much comrade generals could a comrade general general if a comrade general could comrade general generals?
Three hundred and seven. Point four.
Why are desks made of tissue paper?
All the better to write on, my dear.
Wat?
Lul.
Why is CG a pink cow now?
How cow? Cow now! *bow* Wow.
What song will play for the world's funeral?
Ironically, it will be the end of all life on earth, but I couldn't think of any other better song. You just gotta follow inspiration sometimes, don't force it.
Why are descriptions so long and unnecessary?
Because Treebeard wrote all of them.
Why are descriptions so short and hasty?
I thought you said it was because treebeard wrote them.
How well would treebeard burn in hell?
Quite well. :)
Now, say my name.
Not a question, sorry, can't answer if you tell me what to do.
Why?
Because the typewriter is coming.
Why is the typewriter coming?
Because it's mate is waiting for it here!
What is the typewriter?
We just don't know.
Whyfore teabags?
For Coffee!
BEANS!?!?
Has-beans :/
The concept of the 'middle ground' notwithstanding, is the history of Native American – European contact essentially a story of pure conquest?
(This is roughly my essay title. It is a stupid question.)
Only in Tasmania. ;)
Whaaa?
Thaaa??aa> ? aa?
Why am I so brilliant? 8)
Really? I thought I was. 8)
Why does the alphabet start with A?
Because if it started with a Q we'd never get to the end.
Qwerty?
Dvorak. :)
Is it time?
No, but it is thyme.
Which dimension should be prioritised?
The 1747th dimension. It plays the most important role in our lives.
Why use a mouse when you can use a rat?
Tried plugging rat into laptop. Results 0/10 would not try again.
Why use a cap when you could use a hat?
Because caps are cool backwards. (Such a stupid answer right there)
What's the difference between a walkman and an MP3 player?
You can't walk with an MP3 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ooqptu9q0l8) in your ears! You simply drive it!
How do you call a walkman only for females?
Come here female-only walkman! That's a good boy. Good female-only walkman.
I baby a word for an infant or something you'd call a girlfriend?
It's something you'd call a meringue.
How do I find a toaster?
Look in your wardrobe, you're bound to find one down some of your pants.
Is it just me or is Exilian getting older?
Yes, by 1 second per second.
Am I getting older?!
Yes, by 1 second per second.
Am I getting younger?
Yes, by -1 second per second.
What is a second?
The thing after a first.
What's a first?
Me, when I run the 100 meter sprint.
What time is it when the clock strikes Jubal?
It's time for action! or endless destruction?
Why does Jubal live inside a clock?
He doesn't he obviously replaces 6 on the face of all of our clocks.
I wonder. Do you think he's happy in there?
I'm fine, thanks for asking.
Paper biscuits; a good idea or the cause of world war pi?
Well, if you like them I'll make them for you, because we know the kitchen you have inside that clock is pretty small.
Does pain matter?
Kitchen designs London make all pain go away!
Would you like me to design your kitchen designs London today?
Nope I prefer Fitted Kitchens Sheffield!
Why!? Oh why does it happen every day now?!
Kitchen Designs Simple Tasmanian Devil.
Right?
Yes, but only on Fridays. :)
Is it really dead?
Just this once.
Would you like me to design your kitchen?
Yes please, just not in the UK.
Why does ahowl have more colourful squares under his name than me? :(
AHOWL IS A GOD!
Is Khan a spambot?
Yes, it's developer is in the process of creating the best ever, speech responding AI and Exilian is just a way to test that out by letting it respond to posts that it likes and by improving anything that may come up, like spelling errors or the like.
Why would this awesome programmer be?
Because boobs.
Are you serial?
No, I'm cereal!
Are you surreal?
Surreal about ManBearPig.
Ya dig?
Yup, I'm almost to the core, it's getting rather hot actually.
Steve, is that you?
No, this is not Steve; this is Steve.
Does anyone really want to court a warthog?
I suppose someone might, maybe even you.
But would anyone really want to court Jubal?
No, not even my girlfriend. :'(
Why are hats not shoes?
They used to be, but someone decided to wear them the oposite way around and the trend just caught on.
Cna I go now?
The bell is a signal for me, not you.
Are you serious?
No :(
Are you?
Never!
Why haven't I been here since this thread was page 11?
Because you decided that Exilian sucked and now that it's above page 40 it's now awesome again.
Why wasn't I here from the start of the site?
Because you are not as awesome as me.
How do i Exilian?
This.
That?
There.
Here?
All over.
Where?
When
What?
How.
Who?
Me.
You?
I suppose.
Why?
Them
There?
Yes, there, wherever in your mind there may happen to be.
When will the sun explode?
Today at 19:47 GMT.
When will the sun not explode?
Today at 19:46 GMT
How will the sun explode?
Donkey faeces.
Where will the sun explode?
On Earth, nowhere else, not even on the moon.
What will the sun explode into?
During it's explosion it will change into the shape of a giant banana.
Will the banana shaped sun be praised by all species of the universe?
Particularly those with an allergy to kiwi fruit.
Who is going to peel the banana?
The giant monkey god who shall be called Kabojo.
What hat does Kabojo wear?
Sadly enough, a Fedora. :(
What shoes does Kabojo wear?
Mine.
Who is really a lampshade?
Gmd
If Gmd is the lampshade, than who is the lamp?
Jubal is the lamp of my life.
Who is the light bulb?
That must be me, now that I have a nice and bright pink name. ;D
Who is the power cord? (Or is it run on batteries and if so, who are the batteries?)
So jel i've only ever had one cool coloured name and it was taken from me!
The power cord is Satan himself.
Who supplies the electricity though!?
Exilian! :o
How many Khans can fit inside a tennis ball?
Precisely 17.69457383938109.
How many toasters can fit in an oven?
Zero, but you can fit 3 ovens inside a toaster (but only on a setting of 3).
Is Canada Day celebrated in Inglend?
Yes, Inglend is Canada. Dur!
Is it true that CG can moo louder than a roaring jet plane?
No, but he can moo quieter than silence a feat since thought impossible.
If a moo is beyond silent what does it actually sound like?
Negative noise. :o
Why doesn't Gmd have a green name?
Good Question :P because Jubal has said he isn't appointing logothetes at the moment and i completely didn't do my job last time (which is fair enough hahaha) :'(
How much does my green name mean to me?
More than your life.
How much does my pink name mean to me?
So true.
Your pink name signifies your authority over all and makes you feel awesomely powerful.
How jealous am i over your pink name? (alot less jel than if it was green.)
As much as you need to be... (Not much at all)
How many eyes does Jubal have?
Disappointingly only 2 last time i checked, yet he somehow sees all. Unless he has grown a few more since i last checked.
How many Jubals does Jubal have?
Hmm, I would probably say a few hundred. He likes to clone himself just in case of an apocalypse.
How many Deathnades do I have?
Too many it scares me.
What is the time on the moon?
Don't know, there is no dark side of the moon.\
Is music just noise?
ITS MORE. but in a literal sense...
McDonalds or Burger King?
Big Kahuna Burger
That's that Hawaiian burger joint i'n'it?
McDonalds, don't have a Burger King over here.
KFC or Subway.
Yes, I'll have the coffee cake.
Is it raining again?
Yes, it's raining in my heart!
How awesome is soked salmon?
If you mean smoked then yes rather awesome.
What does air taste like?
Skittles! :o
What does no air taste like?
No skittles :o. Not worth imagining.
What do rainbows taste like?
Just like water. :(
What does alcohol taste like?
Heaven.
what does no alcohol taste like? :(....no i cant imagine.
Everything else.
What does Exilian taste like?
Old socks covered in white chocolate with a layer of sprinkles.
How can i do an internet?
Put your hands in the air, stick you tongue out and shack your head left and right really fast.
How can I do a Jubal?
Wow that was fun.
Do a handstand on your chair then scream at the top of your lungs "I AM MEGADUX!!!"
How can i do a stupid question?
By answering it.
What is carrot?
The same as a nose to some species, only the man made variety though.
Can I be Megadux?
No war would have to be declared.
Can i be Logothetes? :D
Leggo my Eggo!
Where is the world wide web?
Ask the huge-ass spider that made it.
That is the Ethernet?
No that is the core power of the interwebnisms.
If the laptop is closed is the laptop dead and crying inside?
No, it's just a technology face-palm.
Would it be weird to try and learn to fluently read upside down?
You are reading this upside down right now. :)
;D
Why would someone drink paint?
It depends what colour to pick, because if you get the right colour apparently it tastes like Skittles. :)
Necklace or ring?
Ring. Necklace be to flashy yo.
Beanie or cap?
Bap.
Floppy disk or floppy rectangle?
A floppy something else maybe. ;)
Why would a dragon be called Smaug?
It wouldn't. It would be called Smog, and it would be from China.
Who do you build for?
Only for you.
What is the mighty mushroom of Mundifron?
My grandpa, he was such a might mushroom.
My milkshake brings all the members to the Exilian?
No it brings forth a mass of Broneys.
I can have chicken?
You can have STEEL!
Why pyramid?
Because some people are just cruel.
Where have all the good people gone?
Where flowers smile and demons weep.
Where do flowers smile and demons weep?
Under my bed. Those flowers are really twisted. I don't want to know what they do to those demons under there. Poor poor demons.
Do we really need a compass?
More than we need Kansas.
Why sunlight?
Why not?
What reason would someone not want sunlight?
IT BURNSES US, PRECIOUSSSSSS
Elephants?
*the ground rumbles* Don't you mean... Oliphaunts? RUN!!
Why is the grounds blue?
I painted them, cuz im cool like that.
Why am i here?
Because of me. It's the only reason anyone's here. I'm just that awesome.
Is that a switch to turn off the sun?
Yes but i wouldn't press it the moon might be sad.
Can i eat this sandwich?
Only if you can sand the eatwich first.
What is best in death?
The one where you come back to life afterwards.
How old are you?
eleventytwelve
What is blue?
Your name! Dur!
What ISN'T blue?
The golden stickers that haunt my dreams.
Varnish. Yes or no?
Depends.
Paint. Yes or no?
No COLOURS NOOOOOO.
Unlimited supply of average food or one meal of the most tastey food ever?
Unlimited supply of average food. Which I can then sell, both solving world hunger and cornering the basic foodstuffs market, and buy lots of nicer food.
Criddlington or Badger?
Badger, because the animals are adorable.
Owl or Howl?
Owlbear.
Why is tea not more like cheese?
Because you can't have a moon made of tea, dur!!
How did this turn into Would You Rather? ???
I'd rather not.
Was that a fat joke?
Why yes it was CG, now you know.
Can it be a knock knock joke?
Only if you draw a door.
How can you buy the sky?
With a Sky Box.
Am I Scottish?
Not if Alex Salmond can help it.
Am I Atlantean?
No, sorry. You're not even human.
Are Altanteans even human?
Atlantic Ocean is a myth.
When is tomorrow?
5pm.
Are microphones always invisible?
Only when you're not looking.
What does 'it' mean?
DO NOT SPEAK OF IT.
So... the economy?
(http://tiestofun.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/okay-meme-numqoaxt.png)
Educatonary?
Canaries.
Why are badgers everywhere?
They took the TV!
Why do things occur?
Because I will it so.
Why do I will it so?
For the great cthulhu.
Is cthulhu <= FSM?
Cthulu === FSM
:o
Glasses. Are they the future?
Glasses are so last century.
Can you hear me?
Always.
Can you jurbleinise the Khan?
Jubhan! Pangolin of the steppes!
Can you pentaginise the Comrade General?
No.
Can you speak the language of the holy spoons?
Spoony fork forks spork toothpick?
How many sides doesn't a triangle have?
Pi.
How many pis does a pie pie?
Pie flavored pi!!!
What about a rectangle pi?
What 'bout it, punk?
Doctor Wherefore?
O Doctor, Doctor! Wherefore art thou Doctor?
Can I be any more inactive?
Yes.
All-nighters or all-day sleeps?
Both, Jubal, there is no other way.
What does E=Mc^2 mean?
It's a formula for creating Electronica, you need a rapper and a box to put him in.
How deep does the rabbit hole go?
I'd like to find out. ;D
If you don't use it do you gain it?
Yes, until you give it away got someone else.
Can I stop time?
No, but you can eat it.
When do badgers backflip bouncily?
When their buoyant bellies bump buzzing bumblebees' barbs backwards.
When is alliteration not fun?
When albatrosses actually alliterate abominably awfully.
What's wrong with the mongoose?
Nobody knows what to call a group of him and his mates.
Why do only some weasels like pizza?
The others are secretly calzone-eating stoats.
What do ferrets eat anyway?
Inactive Khans. *runs away*
What eats ferrets?
Depends. Are they on a pizza or in calzone?
Who is the overlord of pizza eating weasels?
Jubal, Jubal is the pizza eating weasel of pizza eating weasels!
How would one rule pizza eating weasels?
By being me, of course.
Christmas trees: what is their real agenda?
To destroy mankind with pine needle injuries.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
None, why would it want to waste time chucking wood around.
What time is it Mr Wolf?
Time they cast Johnny Depp to play me in a poor film adaptation. :P
What's in the box?
A bowl.
What's in the bowl?
YOU get in the bowl!
Why don't they just extend all the trenches?
We can't dig it all in one weekend!
What is a great way to end the day?
Evidence of a 12th Century ditch.
Where are the Adventurer and the Princess now?
Sat on a bookshelf over there.
Where is the horse and the rider?
Surviving an impossible fall off a fallen branch down a gorge into a river.
Where is the bright hair flowing?
Behind the hills.
What does the sun shine on?
Everyone wearing blue socks.
Where are my ducks?
Not stolen yet.
What does the river sing?
It's singing the song of 'help, I fell and now I can't get up, and I'm rolling uncontrollably and unpredictable to my doom!'
Where's the Tea?
Still in the kettle.
Where's the kettle?
On an all-inclusive holiday in Malia.
Why can they never prove it?
Because the man on the phone is giving the wrong number.
How long does tea take?
Don't know, but it needs more milk.
Where are my owls?
In the owl drawer.
Where are your ducks?
In the bath, a place they very much enjoy being :)
Can they see us from down there?
No, but we can see them from up here.
Where is everyone else?
Probably in the pub at the end of day one.
What did they do with the wonderful trapeze?
Put it in the incident room.
Who else is in the incident room?
Miss Scarlett. With a candlestick, no less.
Why am I hungry?
Because of pork.
Why am I tired?
From watching sleep.
Why is there never ducks?
There is always ducks, ducks are eternal. There were ducks before there was time, and there will be ducks after time's end. It is always ducks. In the beginning it was a duck. At the end it will be a duck. Ducks are everything.
"How many ducks are there really?" "42"
Is anything not ducks?
I don't think I'm a duck. :P
How did you avoid inevitable typos?
My fingers are ducks.
I think you are a goose. That is nearly a duck.
Are you a goose?
For a second, but then the goose is me.
Why are the lights not sparkling?
Because they are ducks.
Why are they ducks?
They're actually small impostor robots designed to look like ducks.
Why are they being helped through?
Because the goose is in charge.
Who is the goose?
A suspicious-looking figure at the far end of the bar. Seems close to the bartender, as they keep whispering to eachother every so often.
Why is PVA Glue always the answer?
Because the ducks invented it.
Why are ducks a conspiracy?
Because of the secrets they hold behind their cold eyes and pursed beaks.
Why does Grandmother live in the middle of the woods anyway?
Because she likes trees.
Does she have a duck?
Probably not. They're too noisy.
Did I just blow your mind?
No, you blew your tea.
Duck or goose?
Capercaillie.
Highlighter blue or highlighter happy?
Blue. I feel blue.
Doctor whattheheck?
You want Doctor Whatthehell, just down the corridor.
To necropost or not to necropost?
There is no necroposting. There is only Rick Astley, now and always.
What is the One True Word of Rick?
Astley.
What is the most false word of Rick?
Astley. There is only one word of Rick.
When will microphones?
31st February 2054
Why did microphones?
Skynetflix.
Are feathers methodical?
Only at precisely 2:30 on every other Wednesday.
Why do they never sell pairs of pears?
Because they only sell pairs of pairs of pears.
Why is the world biased against apple pie?
Because cherry pie is superior.
Why is the world biased for cherry pie?
Because the world is an apple pie hating bastard.
Why are we forgetting blueberry pie?
Because blue is a weird colour for food.
What about steak pies?
They need ale.
What about PIE FLAVOURED PIE?
Pie flavoured Pie is just pastry. Too dry.
What about meat and potato pie flavoured pie flavoured pie?
Too much of a mouthful :P
What about IPie from Apple?
Too expensive.
What about mince pies?
They must only be eaten on St Crispin's Day.
What about eating humble pie?
I prefer modest pie.
Does a watched pot ever boil?
Pots cannot truly be "watched", they are simply holographic projections from a seventeen dimensional hyperspace.
What does a stitch in time save nine of?
Stitches in unwatched pots.
Why are idioms?
Because a stitch in apples saves a doctor of time.
What are the economic sectors of a goldfish's lampshade?
Obviously we have the Central Business District, the main hole through which the light flows; followed by the Inner Shade City, where most of the light plankton live and hold the jobs of light production in the bulb. There is also the Subulbs and the Rural Urban Fish, which are further out and more wealthy.
Why was that question stupid?
Because it didn't mention the phleen.
Explain the phleen, please, with reference to cotton wool and monocles?
The phleen has occurred due to the great development in cotton wool society, unfortunately causing huge disparity in wealth between communities of cotton wool. The hard work of many poor families of cotton wool support an aristocracy of richer and lazier cotton wool. The richer cotton wool frequently require monocles fitted, as they unfortunately often are inflicted by eye gout, a terrible condition occurring only in cotton wool, which of course has no eyes. The fitter of these monocles by royal appointment is colloquially known as the phleen in the Eastern marches of the great Cotton Kingdom of Woollus Cottonia.
Why are you so interested in the socio-economic subtleties of cotton wool anyway?
Because ONLY YOU CAN KNOW THE ANSWER, CHARLES. ONLY YOU.
Why do you never admit that your name is actually Charles?
Because you know I prefer to go by Charlie, DAMN IT!
Why do you refuse to humour me in this regard?
Because the humours are imbalanced, I have too much melancholic, as you well know.
Why does nobody use Galen in hospitals nowadays?
Because hospitals abandoned science ever since that darn upstart Semmelweis!
Why did we stop bloodletting?!
Because we turned our face away from Khorne.
Should we offer blood for the blood god, or cupcakes for the cupcake fairy, or both?
Blood cupcakes for the blood cupcake god fairy.
Skulls for the skull throne or marbles for the marble gnome?
Pie.
Whyfore hast thou pie?
Pi.
Was whyfore ever a word?
Whyforever not?
Maps; are they octave compatible?
Nope, they work with heptaves.
Why isn't a semicolon half a colon?
Because the doctor screwed up the colonoscopy.
Why is cold cold?
Because it's not hot.
Why is cold not hot?
Because The Law Of Teacups says so.
What is the real name of Armadillo Frank?
Pangolin Fred.
What was the pseudonym used by Pangolin Frank?
I could tell you, but then I'd have to mill you.
How do you fold a pholidota?
You don't.
How can there be plugs?
Because otherwise people's babies get lost down the plugholes.
Am I actually a moon beaver? How would I know?
You are not. Moon beavers live on Mars, and you are clearly on Earth.
Are existential crises about your species ever justified?
No, they are always left-aligned on the page.
Why are tank drivers not all given tankards?
Tax reasons.
Why do we even need tank drivers if tanks have no wheels/tracks?
Tanks reasons.
What are the tanks reasons?
"Tanks reasons" refers to an obscure law dating to 1915 detailing the reasons for National Security on sensitive war projects. As the project of constructing armoured vehicles was of the uttermost secrecy, a law was created stating that any who discussed the vehicles should be shot and then court marshalled, in that order. Unfortunately it was forgotten about in all the hubbub, and it is still technically illegal to discuss tanks in public.
Why did I bother writing that?
The power of salad onions compelled you.
Why do salad onions have more power than carrot cake?
Because carrots don't belong in cake.
Who was first compelled to add carrots into cake?!
A salad onion.
Are clangers really moomins who had their noses attacked by the vacuum cleaner from teletubbies, or are moomins really clangers who squashed their faces to emulate Bagpuss?
Neither. Clangers and Moomins are distantly related creatures, and sometimes communicate with each other with the help of the Iron Chicken.
Why does nowhere sell socks with ducks on?
Because everywhere, the ducks have those socks on.
Why isn't red paint blue?
Because if it was, then it wouldn't be paint at all!
What time is breakfast time?
All the time :D
Why isn't mead biscuit shaped?
Because they make biscuit mixture out of rum instead. Mead is saved for chips.
Why is your stupid question not being read out by a stupid giraffe? :(
Because giraffes don't exist.
Why are grammar is good?
Grammer iss god becuz sleepeeling ys bezzed.
How did paintbrushes cause the American Civil War to end so abruptly?
Because they tried to stab each other with them. It didn't work.
What is the answer to my question?
It is the answer to your question.
Why must tankards replace goblets?
Because gobbling food while you drink is bad for your health!
Why aren't honey bears as sweet as they sound?
Because they're sour at heart.
When are Armenians?
713.
Why am I?
The penguin did it.
Who is the microphone?
His name is mike, he hates his job...
What is colour?
The absence of crane toads.
When does joy happen?
Never.
What is music?
Maps are music.
When is music?
Never and always...
Where is life?
Wherever it wants to be.
Guitars - why?
Because paper, that's why.
What is a blanket?
A hyperdimensional non-euclidean manifold of FLUFF AND EXCELLENCE that also eats people sometimes.
Why is light not heavy?
It is actually, it's just too fast to stay on the scale for long enough to be measured.
Why does wood burn?
Wood is made up of a perfectly aligned array of matches - like electrons in a battery. Similarly when wood burns and expends it's energy the matches become misaligned, which gives it it's black appearance.
If you plant a wig, would a human head grow?
No, that's how the terrifying carnivorous wig-wigs are made. You fool, you've doomed us all!
What do penguins do on tuesdays?
They build rockets and travel to the moon.
Where does the moon go every day?
Bognor Regis.
Where do I find the sword of Gooraglag the gorlificant?
He swallowed it for a dare...
What are cookies?
Light and truth and holiness brought in their purest form to earth.
When did the dawn end?
713 AD.
Why is chocolate?
Chocolate was first accidentally created by the incans. It was then known as chocl'ot and believed to be the droppings of the great god choxlotl. They used it as a tincture to calm the elderly when they became excessively unruly.
You cannot saw the sea with a seesaw, that is ludicrous. So my question is: What CAN you saw with a seesaw?
Eyes.
Who is research?
Norman Bates from the Psycho series (but not "Bates motel")
What's the best research?
My research. Because I did it.
What's the best bad good worst game?
Life.
Why is sunshine a thing?
Morecambe and Wise brought it.
Why didn't Barbarossa take up crochet?
By that time he's had enough of eberything that begins with cro... Crosses, crocodiles, crows, crochet - no thanks...
What's the difference between an orange and a water bottle?
Only one of them has ever been used to wrench open a spaceship door in an emergency.
Why are elves similar to teabags?
You can put both of them in boiling water...
Why is a lamp the same as a bagel?
I'm not a lamp and I'm not a bagel either. Please don't eat me.
Why shouldn't people eat me?
It is well known that you shouldn't eat anything that has experienced heightened stress levels...
What is eating?
The opposite of pooping.
Why are babies disgusting?
Humans taste horribly until they have matured...
What are postcards?
Anti-envelopes.
When is the apocalypse of the moon?
Two forty PM every second Tuesday.
Why am I sober?
Because the rum is always gone...
Why doesn't it rain?
Rain is and has always been a myth.
Can you feel nothing?
Correct, I am the most heartless creature ever to walk the earth...
Why is the raven like a writing desk?
Both are featured in an oft-repeated nonsense question.
Why is a crow like a kitchen table?
Neither can sing...
Why is the tea always gone?
China hoards it.
Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Of course, I am a witch after all...
Why did I have to grow up?
You didn't no one forced you to.
What color is red?
*sung dramatically*
THE BLOOD OF ANGRY MEN!
Why aren't guitars made of cheese?
Because no one likes string cheese...
Why are people?
They are unpeople from the city of country.
Are gummy bears/worms alive?
Yes, you can hear them scream tiny squishy screams while biting their heads off...
Are stars real?
Stars are like trees.
Why do rivers smell?
Because they cannot see.
Are walls in any way similar to Julius Caesar?
Only at night when the ducks cry about chocolate.
What is this sentence about?
Fractals.
Why am I a trireme?
Because you are Boaty McBoatface.
Why am I a beef cow?
Because YOU are RRS Sir David Attenborough.
Why aren't tissues knitted by fairies?
Because they actually weave them...
Why did I wake up?
It needed doing. "Up" had been asleep for far too long and if you hadn't have woken it then we would have only had down, left and right.
Why don't volcanoes have nice presents coming out of them, instead of lava.
Because Hephaistos is angry with the world and keeps them all for himself...
Why is Easter only once a year?
It's too explosive. The one time they tried to have it again on the 32nd of August, but it exploded and was never seen again.
Why do birds suddenly appear?
To counteract the effects of their slow disappearance.
How big around is the earth disk that we live on?
1 square kilometer.
How am I still alive?
Herbal tea, mostly.
Why is herbal tea so addictive?
There's a reason they call it "herbal". :)
When does wood expire?
Tomorrow.
Where is life?
Milton Keynes, mostly.
(Also, the answer to the wood expiry one is "When it's part of my decking and my foot goes through it." :( (Which reminds me, I need to email my landlord)
When does an explosion most resemble a wombat?
My dad and I are literally rebuilding his deck. :o
When Luke Skywalker bullseyes them in his T-16 back home because they're not much bigger than 2 meters.
Why does tomorrow never die?
Because today can last forever...
What is soup?
Boiled football leather.
If you had twelve ducks in a row, when does the farmer bake his horse's cousin?
At half past 10
Where has the time gone?
No idea, but the ENTIRE Royal Navy is looking for it...
Why is my decking broken?
There is an elephant in your flat, let's not talk about it...
Why am I lazy?
You have not eaten enough yogurt so your limbs are lacking the required calcium. Or possibly too much calcium and are having an overdose.
Can a rary really be tipped?
Yes, but don't give them any more than 20% of the total bill.
Do women really find it erotic when fish eat each other?
Absolutely, why else do you think we hold monthly gatherings by the side of forest lakes under the full moon? Demon worship? Tsk...
Why do I need glasses?
Who said that?
What question should I ask?
You just asked one.
What are curtains?
Curtains are there to obscure the debauched nighttime activities of the window.
Where is the love?
Love can be found at a rather pleasant botanical garden down the road, if you bothered to look. It can be found in many forms, some of those forms include insects.
Why do I procrastinate?
You don't. Time does not exist, therefore the passage of it is of no relevance...
What are books?
Diaries of a madman.
Are pigeons poisonous?
Yes, why else do you think Joffrey choked on one?
Am I a blueberry?
Of course not you fool. Although, like a blueberry, you are in fact edible.
Socks are foot gloves, what are hand shoes?
Those things guys use to protect their junk.
Why is it still winter? (It's actually a serious question but should be stupid)
Ironically, global warming.
What IS a dog's purpose?
To eat man.
Is dog food better with milk or just dry?
I like it crunchy and it soaks too quickly in milk... :(
What is a dictionary?
Word book you can add a word to just by saying it enough that they accept it as part of the language. Wild.
Are my impulse purchases on Amazon a good or a bad thing?
They're great, the economy loves people like you... ;)
Why do I have to get up?
You don't have to. But you do have to get down.
Is it true that if you say "lady in red" into a mirror 3 times then Chris de Burgh appears behind you and grants you 2 wishes?
No, but if you sing it in front of me, you will die and it will look like an accident...
Am I paying attention in class?
No.
Who would win in a fight between a table, a jockey, some rain and the concept of unease
The rain. Water is patient and water always wins...
Why is blood red?
All that food colouring you eat.
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Let me refer you back to Jubal's answer from when I asked that question...
Quote from: Jubal on March 31, 2018, 06:35:29 PM
Both are featured in an oft-repeated nonsense question.
Where is my life?
Wherever you last saw it. On the side, maybe?
All I ever hear these days is that my file has been "saved to the cloud" or my profile is "in the cloud". How do clouds store information?
The same way they store rain...
Why?
Elephant. SHREWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Why not?
Because I'm tired and I can't anymore.
What for?
Wallaby-spittooning contests.
Whyfore hast thy visage like unto that of a guanaco become?
Because Shakespeare wanted it that way and he's the boss... ;D
Why can't I stop laughing?
You must have either heard the world's most hilarious joke, or have become mad. I will opt for the first one since the the other will be a worrying and sad development.
How can the tin man in the wizard of oz function without a brain?
(we're all mad here ;D)
Same way most humans apparently do...
What colour is blue?
Orange.
If you are what you eat, what are you? (next poster)
Nothing apparently... Thanks for pushing my ego... :P
Why does green exist?
Because I need to get a colour scheme from somewhere :)
When did blue stop being black?
When she decided to drag herself out of that depression, because no one else was going to do it...
Why is there a suitcase on my wardrobe?
Because there isn't a suitcase under your wardrobe.
We often use the metaphor of "burying your head in the sand" to mean you are avoiding your problems. When a ostrich buries it's head in the sand, what problems is it hiding from?
Humans. When in doubt, it's safest to assume they are the root of the problem...
Am I hungry, or is my stomach just being generally grumpy?
You just have really bad gas.
What happens before things happen next at the current time?
Generally things that are either frightening, confusing, or both - is what I have found...
Why?
Exactly.
How?
Don't look at me, I didn't do anything...
What exactly just happened?
The penguins started flapping and the planet spun backwards for exactly 0.2838947354 seconds.
Are facts true?
Yes.
Is there life?
That wasn't very stupid of an answer lol
There is no life there is only Zuul.
How many pancakes can the average man fit in his nostrils?
I do what I want.
Not a single one, he shall die beforte they touch his nose...
Why can't I sleep?
The night magicians are keeping you awake with their loud and explosive dia- well you get the picture.
What's all this mess then?
Fun. Obviously.
Why am I awake?
Because gnomes.
Can it just stop now?
Sure, here's a knife, feel free to shakespeare away...
Why are cats always so fluffy?
Because they are made from stuffing (the bread kind).
Why is it so hard to kill the dinosaur thing?
It's not that hard... I'm pretty sure a meteor should prove effective.. .
Why do castles have walls?
So dragons have something to climb on :)
Why are muscles owch?
To show you that they are still there...
What am I doing?
Everything all the time.
Can someone help me press refrigerators?
I'll ask Godzilla and King Kong, they ought to have time...
Why am I so tired?
The hamster wheel in your head is squeaky and keeps you up at night.
Who stole my motivation?
I did, but I have misplaced it, so you can't have it back...
Why does my head hurt?
It is the center of pain receptors.
Is potating a good thing to do?
potating is an excellent thing to do and should be encouraged. Not to be confused with pot-hating, though. Never do that.
If I turned into a seagull would I get any cool abilities or powers? Or would I just be able to do lame things like fly and make stupid, excessively loud noises?
You get the superpower of always knowing when someone opens a bag of crisps and the ability to immediatly teleport to that place and bug said person... People now hate you.
When will I be home?
You are home, you've been home for years.
Where are my meat balloons?
You probably ate them...
Is my bed heaven?
Close, but in reality it might be hell, I don't know, you'd better ask the comforter gods.
What the heck is that string thing over there?
It's the flying spaghetti monster having a nap.
Why do noses run, and feet smell?
Because nothing makes sense anymore....
Why isn't C R?
They had to change it after people started finding it too scary to say they were taking their RAR! for a drive
Would an earth worm be called a Mars worm if they sent one to Mars?
Certainly not, mars worms are quite a different species and they will be quite offended if you equate them with anything from that "inferior planet called Earth"...
Does Freytag's Pyramid mean tragedies can only take place on Fridays?
No, but it does mean that you can't do any of the histories on the second Sunday of each month.
How much poo would a hoopoe poo if a hoopoe could poo poo?
Not that much. Probably about a quarnth every Soptin
Do electric sheep dream of androids?
Only in their nightmares.
Why isn't cheese more SONIC?
Because if it were, it would scream in pain, which would traumatise us all for eating it and that would be a pity, because cheese is delicious...
Why have I still not gotten up?
Because you HAVE gotten up. It's all perspective, or something.
Can earwax sing?
Mmmm?Mmmm good.
Will I be portugaled up forever?
No, just until football season is over...
What is a bed?
The beginning, the end, the middle.
Are leaves like hair for trees?
No, they're toes....
What are clouds?
Giant vape trails designed to conceal faulty wiring in the ceiling.
Will you teach me the ways of the force?
No, but come to the dark side, we have cookies...
Where am I?
Apparently you're on the dark side. Let's get those cookies. :)
Where do cookies come from?
The exact centre of the internet.
How wide is a piece of string?
The same as the length of a piece of cheese.
How do you spell words?
w - u - e - r - d - z
Why is the word piano so negative? Why can't it instead be a piayes
Have you ever listened to Schumann?
Why does the sun exist?
Because there was a gap in the market for terrible, terrible journalism.
Why aren't buildings made in prettier shapes?
Have you been to central Vienna?!? They are. You're just not allowed to live in them...
Why does time pass so quickly?
It's CG's fault.
Why do I need to buy food?
Because stealing is wrong...
Why do I have to get up?
It's a heartwarming story is why.
Why do volcanos have to be so negative? How can we turn them into volcayeses?
I asked some people from Pompeii for the answer to your question. They were a bit stony-faced about the whole thing. :(
Stag beetles or Longhorn beetles?
Jam.
I think that may have been intended for the what would you rather thread....
If the Earth temps were the opposite way round (poles were really warm, and around the equator was really cold) would the egyptians have build giant igloos for the pharoes?
No, they would of course have built icebergs, duh...
What colour is grey?
That one over there.
Can a dead duck fly to the moon?
No, a fly duck can moon, a dead fly can duck, but never can a dead duck fly to the moon. It's one of those mysteries that has had scientists baffled for many years.
In the film E.T, when the titular E.T wanted to phone home, why did nobody explain that interstellar telephony was and still is far beyond the reach of humans.
Because it isn't humans have just been complete douches to aliens over the years - why do you think they keep invading?
If red means 'no' and green means 'go', is brown a no-go?
Depends if it smells bad.
Should ducks defenestrate geese, and if not why not?
Birds should always defenestrate, how else are they going to start flying?
Why are clothing colours so unrealistic?
Glitchy graphics software. You should get a driver update.
Why can't I boat to work tomorrow morning?
Because this ain't Venice...
Why can't I just fly where I want to go?
Because your wings are too small.
So a gyratory is like a circle / spiral (like the road thing), and if something is mandatory that means it is mandated.
Does that mean history is about hissing?
I dread to think what a rectory is...
Yes, mainly. I mean most of what you hear is one ruler after the other throwing hissy-fit after hissy-fit..
Why do pretty books have to be so expensive?
Good question. I think it's because they are made by celebrities so they cost a lot of money to hire
Do duck quacks reverberate?
Only in your soul.
What is a cow, when you take away the cow?
Leather.
Can you hear the people sing?
Occasionally
Do several turkeys gobble more than several greedy people
Only on a stormy Thursday.
Which way does the eagle fly on the first morning of spring?
Far away from whatever this madness is...
Why don't birds swim in the sky and fish fly in the sea?
Because they live in fear of the Rat-demon Agalba'thauth, who condemns such breaches of the dark order he has smothered the world with like a vengeful cloud.
Why aren't more people talking about the encroaching menace of the Rat-demon Agalba'thauth?
Because the lion does not concern himself with the opinions of the sheep.
Why can't my head be full of work/study stuff instead of GoT quotes?
Because swords are fun.
Why am I so unlucky?
Because all the luck is mine and I'm not sharing! :P
Why are beds so comfy if you're not allowed to stay in them?
It's a cruel trick played on us by bed companies
How come Yeti's get all the fun?
Because Yetis run all of the evil bed companies.
What sort of companies do sasquatches work for?
Sassy Squash Companies.
Shouldn't I be studying?
Yes. But only for 5 seconds, then come back.
Why is it when I conduct an orchestra I hear music, but when I conduct a study the study makes no sound?
You're conducting the wrong studies... I had to move my experiment to a remote island because the neighbours were starting to get suspicious... :)
What is salt?
A mild form of crystal meth.
But why is the rum gone?
I drank it.
Sea turtles?
Land tortoises.
Are you the police?
No, but I was their roadie for a brief period in the early nineties until Sting kicked me out for bullying his pet otter.
What is the most appropriate sound to make when you are riding a roller coaster?
The screams of your enemies.
Why morning?
I tried to have less ning but found it wanting
Could Donald Trump beat Bernie Sanders in an arm wrestling match?
Only if Patrick Swayze was the judge.
Are you the anti-pope?
I'm the devil, so yes, naturally.
Why isn't the sky green and the trees blue?
They are, look farther.
Where is the bat?
Look within yourself. You know it to be true.
What are eyes?
A child's play thing.
Does pain hurt?
I assume you mean like the french for bread right? Only if you have a gluten intolerance.
How do French people eat bread?
Posthumously.
I'd there even psionics in this setting?
I think you mean cryonics, and yes, it is inside the piano.
Oh dear what did the bear do with my beer while I wasn't here to feel fear?
It drove its tractor down the road, grumbling all the way and trying to pick up Radio Norfolk on its car radio. Then it crashed. Because it was drunk on beer. Also because bears don't know how to drive.
How long does drying varnish take to feel sadness?
Until the first human steps on it...
Why don't trains do what I want?
They do, you just need to learn their language.
Why can't people marry as many people as they want? Why just one?
Because someone, way back when decided that Europe isn't Africa... If you want polygamy, go there...
Why can sailingboats only sail then there's wind?
I think it has something to do with the jet stream.
Is it possible for me to enter my own dreams and live in them?
Yes, in a coma...
What is time?
4:50 PM
Should I have food for dinner?
No. Food is a terrible dinner guest and has poor conversation skills.
Sleep. Why?
How now brown cow.
Is this the end my only friend?
It may be one end. But it is not the only one.
Tell me, is it safe to dance?
You can dance if you want to. You could leave your friends behind. But your friends don't dance and if they don't dance then let me tell you: they're no friends of mine!
How is it that so many crimes are solved based on DNA evidence. Don't we share 97% of our DNA with chimps? How do we know that chimps aren't going round committing all the crimes?
Pretty sure it's the bananas, don't we share a lot with them too?
Or is it a clever ruse and we are the chimps and they the humans? ?
Yes I think you're right. All people are chimps.
Has anyone thought of trying to teach wasps to make Honey? They really need to clean their act up a bit.
Someone thought of it once. We do not talk about the results. Even their name is now anathema.
Why do ducks not have fur?
They do. When they buy it they put it on their bill.
Why is France cheating at the soccer?
They wanted to win at getting the most red cards. They are devastated to have failed.
If I picked everything up with a pencil would I fool people into thinking I was a television detective?
No, just that you were very bad at using chopsticks.
Why is candlelight magical?
Because the magic goat with the golden fleece did its rear-end business into the tallow. All the tallow, always.
What does paper do when it can't be paper?
It usually becomes card, balustrades, spade handles and pocket tissues.
Wouldn't more efficient way to boil an egg for your breakfast be to have a little calor gas stove in your car, boil up some water, pop in the eggs and then drive away from your house at exactly 60mph. Then 3 minutes later you'll have perfectly cooked eggs, and you're already on your way to work / school!
It would be more efficient, but the stove unions would object to cars taking their jobs.
Why was the best time in human history the Eighteenth of October, 4381 BC?
Well, firstly it was a Sunday - which always puts people in a good mood. But why was it such a good time for humanity? well on that day one of the Great Elder Gods whispered into the ears of a relatively unknown farmer. The words were themselves appeared in a dream as the farmer slept in the shade under a particularly hot sun. As the words worked themselves from the farmers subconscious into his waking brain, he sat bolt upright and laughed harder than anyone had ever laughed in history. He recorded those words on a stone tablet, and eventually the words grew and spread amongst the people. And those words were:
Jul qvq gur puvpxra pebff gur ebnq?
And the rest, as they say, is history.
---
Why does my milk go off whenever I leave it out of the fridge?
It goes off in the same way that a gun would go off - because you applied heat to it. It's just that guns require a lot more heat indeed to make enough force to move the bullet. Milk going off takes a really really long time, but the results are the same.
Were the jam famous for liking jam? Or did they just make it.
Neither. They believed themselves to be jam and saw jam eating as a form of cannibalism, and thus impermissible except for chili jam because that doesn't count.
What is the weight of a waiting waiter?
Zero, because you should never ask anyone how much they weigh, it's impolite.
Why is heat legal?
Because cold is illegal.
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Going by that logic: Testical.
Why does the stuff I want always have to be out of stock?
There is a team of people who specifically track your online activities. When they see that you are about to click onto something you might want they hurriedly purchase all remaining stock so there is none left for you to buy.
What would you do if I sang out of tune?
Stand up and walk out on you.
What would you do if I tune out of sang?
Explode and implode simultaneously.
Why aren't cocktail sticks made of a cock's tail?
In a way they are: They are made of the old oars of coxswains who retire from rowing. The spelling did used to be called coxswain sticks but adopted today's spelling due to semantic shift
A microphone is not a small phone, nor is a microlight a small light. Should we find new words for impostors like these or prefix every word with "micro"
I am in microagreement with the second micro idea in your micropost.
Straw, huh, what is it good for?
Well, I use it to burn corpses...
Are butterflies made of butter?
No, they're made of margarine, it's a massive scam >:(
Are horseflies made of horse?
No, but they are famous for their horsemanship...
Why isn't red yellow?
Red can't be yellow any more, it was a tricky breakup
Could an army doing the conga with conkers conquer tonga any longer?
No, but Zaire is fair game.
Why is it a bad idea to tell untruths to a pygmy jerboa?
Because any lie you tell will come back to haunt you one day.
Am I who I was and will I be who I am?
You are what you eat.
I know you are but what am I?
Apparently you're 100% Prine Angus Beef...
Soooo... I am nothing? :'(
Were you who you are, you would be who you were so long as you will be who you might be when you were the person you could become. Of course you may also be who you will be, contingent upon you being who you were and will soon be again, at least in the event that you have finished being the person you are before you become once more the person you were, who is also the person you were before that, and may or may not be the person you will be. All that is ultimately certain is that you are shortly scheduled to become the person that the person you were was going to become before they became the person you are, and of course that that person is a hamster.
What is the sole soul of a sole to do with its soles when going solo?
No no, the movie is just called "Solo".
Do you like hamsters?
As long as they don't touch my ham.
Why don't spiders have even more legs?
Any more and they would be constantly tripping over themselves.
Why are we all here?
Because otherwise we'd be there, and that would be wrong.
Why can't I eat dreams?
You can... For instance that cinnamon dessert I resently had was an absolute dream and you betcha I ate every last bit of it!
Why is the devil the bad guy?
It's actually a biblical mistranslation of "bat guy" - he was the star player in heaven's baseball team shortly before the world was created.
Ducks - yes or no?
Quack.
Cock-a-doodle-do or cock-a-doodle-don't?
No thanks.
Why are foxes red?
It is because of their constant and unquenchable rage :balrog:
I'm fed up of waiting for the eggheads at NASA to make an interstellar vehicle so want to make my own. Can anyone lend me the materials to make one? Oh and also tell me how.
Someone can. That someone is... NASA.
Who is NASA really?
I heard it's the Nose and Shoulder Agency, apparently they do aesthetic surgery - not that that's anything for me, I don't need that... :P
Where is NASA?
NASA is actually held in a quantum state orbiting a dead star just before the heat death of the universe - where only the most advance races can consult them about cosmetic surgery...
How did NASA become what it is?
Nepotism.
What is a morning?
A larger number of nings. A smaller number of them, of course, would be a lessning.
Why do venue planners insist on adding a front row to cinema and comedy venues? Everyone knows that nobody ever sits in them
They're for the cinema ghost. It's like phantom of the opera but a lot cheaper.
Why is tea limited?
Because God is dead and life isn't fair.
Why do I have to study?
The evil duckling queen said you had to. I don't make the rules.
Why don't I make the rules?
Because then the world might actually be a good place for once and we can't possibly have that.
Why can't the world be a nice place?
Because tea is only finite.
Why does the washing up always demand to be done?
You're being too lenient with them. Show them who is the real boss here and they will never dare question your benevolent dictatorship ever again.
Why do I always accidentally cook for 10 people instead of 1?
Due to a subconscious benevolence you probably acquired due to being hypnotised by a greedy hypnotist
Why do the horrible business dweebs on the apprentice get told they are fired when they are only actually applying for the position?
Because it's actually a job interview for flame-throwers...
How van I have so much to do and be bored at the same time?
You must just have lots and lots of very boring things to do. Simply make all your tasks revolve around fun things like eating fudge, watching films and playing with kittens
The wright brothers are generally attributed with building and flying the worlds first airplane. So what did the wrong brothers do?
They took planes apart and submerged them in the sea, of course...
Who is a what?
Me.
If money is the root of all evil, what are the leaves?
Misdemeanors.
How much land do I need to plant sorghum?
None, you can grow it in a pot.
Why is light so light?
Because it's bright.
Why is Joe Buck such a douche?
Because Jane Doe left him for another deer.
Oh dear, dear, I hit a deer, dear, but why, dear, did I not pay so dear for the deer I nearly hit?
Because your bear drank all your beer.
If you get into a showdown with a rabbit is it a hare-y situation?
No. Rabbits are not hares.
Why are there bricks above my head?
Because you're just another brick in the wall.
Why does it cry, Smeagol?
Smeagol isn't here, Cowman. Smeagol's dead.
Who is the cowman now, man?
An udder.
Why is the temperature literally freezing?
Because it's cold.
Why does there always have to be background noise on public transport?
Because it's where the public sometimes are, and they can be a noisy bunch.
In Jack and the beanstalk, the giant says "fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of an English man". Can someone explain why the giant didn't say "fee fi fo fan"? It would have made a better rhyme and it's not like the giant needed to come up with a real word...
He's a giant, not Shakespeare...
Is the sequel to "Of mice and men" "Of cats and women"?
No, that's the prequel. The sequel is "Of beetles and babies".
Why can't I speak to ducks?
You can, they just pretend not to hear you, because they are really rude...
Because of quantum and the overproduction of waffles
who can take a rainbow, and wrap it in a sigh?
Poets.
Why do I let people be mean to me?
All part of the grand scheme, I have no doubt :)
Why do I get fat when I eat?
Because you are not fitted with a matter transmitter to store the excess food somewhere else.
Why are humans not fitted with matter transmitters?
They are, it's called a bum!
Can you eat piranhas before they eat you?
Well, you certainly can't eat them afterwards.
ლაპარაკობთ ქართულად?
Kajiggery mafiggery ac ploziggery.
Can you snort lobster bisque?
No, it's impossible to buy the equipment anywhere nowadays.
Why doesn't this room have more sockets?
What would be the point you don't even have a ratchet.
How do I destroy these flies that are overrunning my life?
File them.
How do I make more time happen?
Addition.
How do I make time stop?
SCIENCE!
How do science?
Fine, thanks, and you?
NEVER.
Dugongs. Explain?
No I'm still currently a plain.
Is it possible that I don't have to ask a question?
Only in theory but not in practice.
How do I write about monsters?
Write about humans, same thing...
Should I procrastinate?
No you should aristocrastinate. It's more posh.
What's the best way to weasel out of something?
Get a stoat, they're better at the job.
Who is the fake slim shady?
(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Ogc7D1F-EGY/hqdefault.jpg)
Where have all the flowers gone?
Gone for soldiers, every one.
Will ye go, lassie, go?
Lassie got mange and joined the post office reserves.
Is Meg a gem because gem is Meg spelled backwards?
No, Meg is a gem because Meg is made of a variety of the mineral corundum, consisting of aluminium oxide (α-Al2O3) with trace amounts of elements such as iron, titanium, chromium, copper, or magnesium.
Why can a fly fly, but a fish can't fish?
No opposable thumbs
Has there ever been a cannon what was canon?
Yeah, in Pirates of the Caribbean... ;D
What constitutes food?
A food constituting machine.
Why can't you make roads out of tissue paper?
You can, but it takes up a lot of resources and is a waste of time...
What is sleep?
Why, of all people, are you asking me?
Why do so many things waste time instead of wasting thyme?
You wouldn't be asking that if you had ever seen my dad try to cook a casserole.
Zoo keeping, bee keeping... book keeping? Bees and zoos I can understand why are books so unruly that it requires someone to keep them?
You've obviously never been to the Restricted Section...
Why am I not allowed time travel?
Spoilers :)
Why am I not allowed space travel?
You are. It's called public transport or walking... :P
Why doesn't the tea help?
The tea can help with many things, such as a need for caffeine - but unfortunately it can't help with that.
Why was their no warning about the genuinely terrifying exilian logo change? I nearly soiled myself
We wanted you to soil yourself.
Is soil just recycled poo?
I got sniped before I could post this reply to Tusky's but I'm going to leave it here anyway: there was a warning. It was written in prophecies thousands of years ago, lost, copied out by a sixteenth century scribe, sat in a university library for two more centuries, ended up in the hands of the British civil service, naturally got lost again, was marked down as having disappeared in the North Sea floods of 1953, was rediscovered by an archivist in the 1980s, was then quietly buried in a time capsule for inexplicable reasons involving a four year old's surprise birthday party, was uncovered from there by the Russian mafia, returned to the university, became the subject of a legal battle of disputed ownership, and is now in the basement of a large governmental building that is itself the subject of disputes as to which government it belongs to, locked in the toilet rooms, in a safe, in a cubicle with a sign saying "beware of the ravenous Bug-blatter beast of Traal" on the door.
And no, CG, poo is recycled soil.
Why pumpkins?
Mine is basically the tl;dr version of that lol
Because gourds.
Isn't corn the greatest thing in the universe?
The children of the corn certainly seemed to think so...
Does Halloween hate me?
No it sometimes might trick you - but then treat you.
Who are you gonna call?
My parents usually...
Will I go to hell for this?
For this? Sure.
If you did that instead of this maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Always choose that instead of this.
Can tubeworms have fun?
Of course, there's a song about it and everything:
They've never ever seen sunlight
And on the ocean floor tonight,
No spines, but still reach seven foot one
Tubeworms they wanna have fun
Tubeworms just wanna have fun
Why don't we all live near hydrothermic vents on the ocean floor?
Cause the mermaids are really racist and don't want no humans...
Isn't Halloween just the best?
No, it's several other things too.
Why aren't we all more focused on the problems caused by badly sanitised telephones?
Because some people seem to think that acknowledging a problem is apparently enough to consider it dealt with...
Why do I have to be sick?
Wasn't me! It's either the rising of the blood planet Garkharvaine, the dread spores of the mighty mushroom of mundifron, a curse from the lost religion of the bunneh, or it was CG's fault.
Why are you answering this question?
(You seem very defensive about this, are you sure it wasn't you?)
The Moonman told me to...
Why is blood a colour?
Because otherwise it would be water, and blood is thicker than water. It's one of the only facts we know about blood.
What's your favourite gourd?
Hokkaido...
Why can't I just die and be done with it?
Because you haven't gotten round to killing me yet!
Why am flop?
Because pm flop is ridiculous...
Tea?
U.
Y?
Reasons.
My head hurts, can somebody kill me?
I don't know can we? :P
Nah, believe me, I've tried... :/
Should I stop watching murder documentaries?
You should watch documentary murders.
Are there any documentaries about flossing?
Yep there's a few...
A floss of the coin: The gamble of neglecting your teeth
Floss like a boss. A flossing story
Don't be "at a floss" about how to floss
Has anyone lost their pet spider? I found a stray one chilling out on my bedroom wall
What does she look like? Large with yellow stripes? Because that would be mine...
Should I procrastinate more?
Take a while to think it over.
Why aren't the eagles coming?
Because... WINTER is coming... ;D
Is Katy Perry a Lannister?
In fact, several of them; she's secretly three clones of Tyrion stacked up inside a trench-coat.
Am I a Tully?
Truly you are one with the fishes.
Am I a Wildling?
You were a wildling until Samwell Tarly seduced you.
Why has nobody done a superhero whos powers are to do with bridges? Like they shoot tiny bridges out of their hands and speak to bridges to learn their secrets...
They tried that. He is called Pontifex and his power was meant to be building bridges between people and nations... Needless to say that that may have gon a tad wrong...
Why don't I get to be king?
King Kong already claimed that title 4 life.
Why do I have one sleeve up and one sleeve down?
One is good and one is sleevil.
Why no paper? :(
Because yes cardboard.
Why is it snow?
A white substance that makes people happy.
Just like cocaine.
Are celebratory beatings truly necessary?
Sometimes. It's the disciplinary massages that are truly necessary all the time.
How wide are wide things?
Wide was a unit of measurement that was first discovered by Isaac Newton on March 17th 1713. It was used a theoretical measurement for the optimal distance between screws on a plane to increase structural integrity. However, as outstandingly useful as this measurement was - it ended in disaster when NASA misinterpreted "really wide struts" and used the imperial constant for it, instead of the more traditional metric constant. So to answer your question directly: a really wide thing is a big of an administrative error as you can image.
Why is green the best colour?
Because blue is, and that's final.
Why can't I be Tina Goldstein?
Because you're blue not gold.
What is a fish when the moon is red?
Most likely still a fish, unless you used transfiguration...
Can I have a Newt in my life, please?
You turned me into one that one time but then I got better.
Did anyone expect the Spanish Inquisition?
Only the Portuguese.
Why did Portugal explode this time?
That was me, I had a bad day, oups...
Why do I have bad days?
Because Portugal exploded.
Why are there so many people?
Because I haven't found an efficient enough method of genocide yet.
Why isn't it raining?
Because it's drizzling.
Does the rain in Spain fall mainly anywhere in particular?
Of course not, rain in Spain doesn't fall, it floats.
Isn't it too early for snowstorms yet?
I've heard it's the perfect time for SthenStorms.
I'm thinking of secretly robbing a bank without anyone knowing it was me. Does anyone know of a good bank to rob, and the date and time where there is a security hole for me to exploit?
Bawag PSK in Vienna's 6th district, Fridays towards the end of the month, at 6pm, hardly any security, lots of cash, wear masks, smile for the camera...
Could it be that I'm sometimes too sarcastic for my own good?
No. The more sarcastic you are, then better everything becomes.
Why have they only come up with Strawberry, Mint choc chip and vanilla ice cream flavours?
Have you never heard of amarena cherry ice cream?
Yes.
Why won't the pikemen do as they're told?
They're too belligerent. Maybe try the troutmen.
Scone or scone?
SCONE DAMN YOU
Stones. When?
1984.
Explain
Because.
Are moomins really made of mozzarella?
No, they are made of marshmallows... If you had ever put one in some hot cocoa, you'd know...
Why are lamps bright?
So moths can enjoy them, mainly.
Why aren't pizzas square?
Because neither are plates, think it through...
Should I get up and make dinner?
No, you should get up and make war upon your enemies.
Why are there so many currencies?
Because Britain thought they were special and insisted on keeping the pound...
Are you sure you want me to kill all my enemies? You might be next... :P
This is the "...get a stupid answer" thread...!
Why isn't all the light green?
Because then the song would go "Green and green and green and green, green and green and green, I can sing a rainbow...", and it wouldn't scan properly.
Why are rainbows curved?
They bow to the might of Nature
Why can't I watch Doctor Who? :'( :'( :'(
Perception filters, mostly. and the TARDIS has pretty good shielding.
Why can't I find more people to help me run this website?
You're not a Hufflepuff...
Why can't i just access my old browser history?
It's been replaced with an old Bowser history, a chronicle of famous Bowsers from times past
Why can't I cry soup? It would make those times I'm feeling sad be so much tastier
Because the soup dragons need that soup. If you cried it you would be killing the soup dragons.
Why isn't soup dragon preservation a bette rknown conservation issue?
It's the soup propaganda machine!!
Why aren't sunflowers hotter?
Because they turn it down to not burn your skin because they love you :)
Why aren't bluebells noisier?
They used to be, but now they are so sad all the time that they just can't bear to sing anymore...
Why do I always forget things?
I can't remember.
Why don't I know about digital humanities?
I don't know, but it knows an awful lot about you. And is upset you never accept it's invitation to any of it's parties
Are you going to Scarborough fair?
No, I've just come back from it. She who was once a true love of thine says you should bugger off and stop giving her silly impossible tasks to do.
What is the finest prize at Fakenham Fair?
Genuine toenail clippings from Astor McGullough, a celebrity from Tobermory. He is famous for successfully circumnavigating the main island of Orkney in a wheel barrow in the record time of 51 days 11 hours and 2 minutes.
Why can't car alarms be silent? or much more quiet at least... They can be so grating and one woke me up the other night.
That was just your alarm, foo.
Can I go home meow?
No, you can only go home mooo. You are a cow not a cat.
Why isn't dreamward going?
Do you mean Dreamward the cruise ship which was renamed to SuperStar Gemini? Or dreamward as in the direction of dreams.
If it's the former then I'd need to check the itinerary and when you asked. I imagine it was docked at a port. I can see at the moment it is in the Malacca strait having departed port Klang this morning.
If it's the latter then I suspect it could be any one of: things being on your mind; too much heat; too much noise; having consumed alcohol or physical discomfort
Why has my credit card company told me I can't pay off my credit card using the credit card? Seems suspicious to me, don't they trust their own service?
They're cultists of demon Lord Snaki'garah and know that only paying off a credit card will be th itself will create the financial recursion loop to which their dark master is vulnerable.
Why am I in a shop that has nothing I want?
I'll assume you walked in there of your own free will, so, hubris maybe?
Is Christmas over?
No. Once it ends it just begins again.
What will the new year be?
A fish.
Why do we get given presents but not futures?
We destroy the earth, we don't deserve a future...
Why can't I stop being a cynic?
You're absorbing excess cynicism for other people, allowing others like me to go on believing that our stupid bizarre idiot species is essentially capable of good :)
Why don't sleighs slay anyone?
They evolved from that, now they have judicial courts and an electric chair for that...
Why does 1+1 have to be 2?
Because you're not thinking with portals.
Why can't I make words appear?
Have you tried stringing letters together using a pen?
No, because pens don't have string in them.
Why don't pens have string in them?
They aren't marionettes.
Why are the Gnolls winning?
It's a two party system and they're better than the bullywugs.
Why isn't Professor McBlusterfluff's Highly Trained Titmouse helping me run this website?
It is highly trained in many things, but effective forum running isn't one of them. Also it does not have access to appendages that are nimble enough to operate a computer.
Would a good new years eve gift for Eve be some new eaves, or to leave eve with eaves that greive her
Ask Dominic Grieve, for Grieve's uneven eaves let him eavesdrop (with leave) on evil; even Eve grieves for the eaves of Grieve.
Why so sleepy?
Someone put milk of the poppy in your tea and I'll state right now: It wasn't me.
Why is a whosit a whatsit in the wheresit?
Because if it fits I sits.
Will the solder hold?
Depends on if it has hands. Please let us know if the selder held!
At the cinema I very much enjoy watching the trailers, but I keep getting thrown out for bringing them in. Does anyone have any tips on how to sneak a 9x4 twin axle and a utility steel tipping trailer into the Brighton marina cineworld?
9x4s won't work, it's 9x5s only at Brighton. You might get away with a 9x4 in Bournemouth, they're more chilled out over there.
What even is a pangolin?
No idea, but I'm pretty sure that thing currently sitting in your chair qualifies...
Why is it Downunder, and not Upover?
Because the English often like to think the world revolves around them
Batteries. Why?
The evil plots of the duracell bunny, that's why.
Orthodox or Reformed bunnyism?
Reformed bunnyism. I feel that it is important that both genders of bunny be allowed to sit together, and that ordination of female bunnies is allowed
What's all this nonsense about blue Monday? I had fish and chips and watched last action hero on sky. It was a great day!
I know, red Sundays are so much better... And those people in Hollywood think they invented the purge... Peasants...
Why is mythology so complicated?
Well, the Greeks say that the Gods willed it so, except in the cults of Dionysius where they believe it was created from a wine jar. Meanwhile an alternative reading suggests that mythological complexity was the creation of Theseus or possibly Ariadne, depending on how you interpret some of the mystical elements of the text. Oral retellings can also be found of the Norse approach, in which the complexity of mythology was the ultimate result of murdering a man who was made from the spit of the gods and turning his blood into honeyed alcohol. Of course, the Chinese approach is to say that the complexity of mythology is a sign that mankind is acting against the Mandate of Heaven, and every third village will have another ten different traditional gods who will clean it up again for you. And then there's the Native American ideas...
Why no tea? :(
Because the tea gods are offended by being omitted from the mythological description, and have withdrawn your tea supplies.
Why are deities so easily offended?
Because humans made them up and they're terrible beings, so stuff they make up is usually terrible too...
Why is every greek god such an asshole?
WHAT HERETICAL QUESTION IS THIS?!? *ba-ZAP*
Why doesn't Zeus just calm down a little?
Cause douchbag's gotta douche...
Why is does Hades always get such a bad rep?
When your workforce are all shades, it's pretty hard to get good representatives.
Mandolins or mandolins?
I think Mandolins are a capital idea...
How do I manage to be still awake and functioning after less than four hours of very light, really bad sleep and a whole day of work?
Febreze.
Why can't I just relieve myself of inconvenient thoughts?
You relieve yourself by dumping out your thoughts on the street. You now no longer have these thoughts, but everyone else knows you thought them...
What is 2+2?
A sum.
Can I be a robot?
You are, someone needs to just reinstall a couple of files and your sleep button needs to be repared, but other than that, you're good to go... ;D
What is poductivity and how do I do it?
Poductivity is the magical art of making peapods conduct your thoughts into the spirit realm. To learn this mystical art you must travel to the farthest reaches of the tundra, where a pea-farmer called Xanthippus Wilvarinta will give you further instruction on how to find the mystical Pea Ring Pixies who alone can instruct you.
Fluf?
Indeed.
Why is spelling a thing?
Bheshsus ff ahey hraight thlaeieche fysss, ht cheths airt twoo canoe dzwaht hey meene.
Why is time wasted?
See, I undrrstuuud raet ro ooorpobelm... :P
It has been through a lot of trauma lately, stop being rude!
What is bleergh?
Me :(
Why is bleergh?
In one emoji? :caradilis:
Where is bleergh?
All around us.
When is bleergh?
Now.
From whence came bleergh?
Over yonder.
What's under yonder?
My pillow.
Why do people stop playing my games?
Because nothing is eternal.
Why does the Don flow to the sea?
Cause I threw his corpse into the Danube...
Why do I have to be ill?
Because you're not will.
What isn't tea?
Honey
Apparently Earth is going really fast, but I can't see anything moving. Is the Earth really going anywhere?
Yes. It's going to DISNEYLAND!
Is there a special place in hell for me?
Yes, the exit.
Do I have to go to bed?
Yes, but once you've got there you can leave again.
Why is light so light?
Because otherwise we wouldn't see the stars from sp far away...
Why? Just why?
Because, just because.
Could I get a job as a badge badger badgerer?
No, and stop badgering me.
Why are people so stupid?
Sorry, that was my fault.
Why aren't incisors insightful?
They are required to plunge into food unquestioningly. A thoughtful approach to mastication is rarely required by the "front line". I think it's robbed them of the inquisitive nature that the other teeth have and now lack the ability for thoughtful input on anything. The canines aren't far behind if you ask me.
Why does Bear Grylls start all of his programs on the side of the helicopter bellowing at the camera? If he sat inside he'd be safer, far more comfortable and wouldn't need to shout.
Because he's seen what's inside the helicopter. He's seen what he wants to get away from. We do not talk about what is in the helicopter. We do not speak its name.
Is food fortunate?
No, but Forts are foodtunate
If I can't stand the heat and am not in a kitchen, what should I do?
Find the nearest kitchen and enter it in order that you can subsequently depart of course.
Why are the robins robbing?
Because they are done rocking.
How have the creators of the new star trek series managed to make it simultaneously over the top and boring?
Meth. At least once.
How much money do alien booze ups cost?
A little less than a werewolf rave, but way more than a dinnerparty for ghosts
Please can I have a cup of tea?
No. You are physically, psychologically, and morally incapable of such an action.
Where does the road end?
Angers
Where does the road begin?
Terrors
Why are the crisps gone?
Unbeknownst to you, time was halted for a couple of days. I know you consider slightly stale crisps to be "gone", but they are still broadly nutritionally identical, so you can still eat them. They just don't crunch. If the crunch is important to you then a flash grill for only a few minutes will restore them to their former glory.
Are the walkers sensations lime and coriander poppadom bites crisps?
What do you mean "if" the crunch is important? Soggy crisps are heresy.
Also, no, they're not. They're perfectly respectable snackfood, but not crisps.
Giant turtle or tiny ice dwarf?
This sounds like an it was a "what would you rather" question, so I will say.... Giant ice dwarf stood on turtles all the way down.
I have an idea for a sculpture. Not just any sculpture, though: one made completely out of air! The only problem is I'll need some sort of malleable rubber air container to shape it. Does anyone know of such a device?
No. The knowledge was expunged after the revolution.
If there are Jotuns in Jotunheim, why isn't there Gin in Ginnheim?
The trail of ruined mothers should speak for itself!
How many figs can I eat?
I don't give a fig. You'd only eat it anyway.
What is a good honest crubblingdock doing in a frumious place like this?
I think perhaps it got lost, and was drawn in by the enticing frumiousness.
When will cupid's sparrow ever find a love of its own?
When the seas run dry and the rocks melt in the sun.
What isn't a good honest crubblingdock doing in a frumious place like this?
I heard it is not learning the harpsichord, which is the one thing it should be doing. Deep, grave and serious trouble it has got itself into.
Why don't ants just fly all the time? Surely they would get all of their ant goals done so much faster.
Because then they'd be flies, and their goals would be fly goals.
Is a burrito a sandwich?
No, it's a mudmage.
Is a question really its own answer?
Only after the question has drunk all the vodka necessary to recover from a term of philosophy lectures.
If the earth keeps spinning round the sun and the sun has to watch, which of them is getting dizziest?
We have to wait and see which falls over first.
Why isn't Georgian Jamesian instead?
objection m'lord! The question is deemed moderately sensible!
why don't rabbits hatch from eggs?
Rabbits hatch from eggs at easter, as you well know.
Every time I've seen someone buried they have had a smart suit and tie, or their finest dress on. Yet whenever I see zombies in old movies and shows they are right scruffy so and sos. Did directors such as Mr Romero believe that zombies were all tramps?
No, it's because wealthy people can afford stronger coffins, so they're spending the whole movie failing to get out of their heavily built or deeply buried sarcophagi.
Are bows and arrows better than Franciscan monks?
Yes. Arrows are much sharper and less splattery than Franciscan monks, and monks don't usually come with a convenient projectile launch system.
Do androids dream of electric sheep?
No, they dream of PLASMA SHEEP.
What do PLASMA SHEEP dream of?
Magnetic fields, of course.
Why do horses have fins?
It's part of the targeting system.
Do finned horses come with a convenient projectile launch system?
No, they would finned it annoying
Why do classical musicians get so much praise when they have to have all their songs written down? You don't see status quo or phil collins struggling to remember the songs they are there to play.
Those sheets in front of them aren't actually music - they're their orders from galactic warlord Zircon the Dark. The praise is so his chosen minions don't wreak their revenge upon the rest of our human kindred.
:tusky: ??
:8):
Has there ever been a time before now when more people have known the meaning of the word prorogue?
yes, during the great Pro Rogue rally of 1405, the famous Mediaeval celebration of con men and jewel theives.
why didn't the universe let even one species of dinosaur survive the extinction?
The alternative was killing off the birds, and, well, have you ever tried facing down an angry chicken?
Why is TEI the standard not graph encodings?
Because the fat cats and the higher ups just cant cope with your maverick ways
What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and discovered you were a clown
World domination would seem an obvious first step, I think.
Why aren't there more violins?
violins were driven to the brink of extinction through competition for resources with cellos, which are larger, more agressive, and an invasive species.
why did anybody ever think mint choc chip ice cream was a good idea?
Great C'thulu Willed It. So Mote It Be! Ia! Ia! MintChocChip F'taghn!
Why do the words make no sense?
you aren't singing them in time to the music
why has a fellow d&d player decided their tiefling is now purple, having portrayed him as a completely different colour for over a year???
His mauvetivations remain obscure.
Why am I not managing to make my comic funny any more? :(
Because your funny bone has been replaced by a stick of celery. You should be able to just put the funny bone back in it's place, then you'll have a healthy snack to enjoy whilst you come up with some hilarious dialogue and situations.
If a opening a jam jar jarred jar jar binks, would he be put off eating the jam altogether, or move on to something like marmalade
What makes you think he was opening the jar in order to eat the jam?
Why has the cow plague inspired such sudden terror?
Because cows like to stand in fields, eat grass, and do business. I think that many garden owners are concerned that their lawns will become unmanicured.
Do you think that shirts should be called shorts, and shorts called shirts? Because shirts have one more "o" shaped opening (4) than shorts do (3). Surely the shirt is more deserving of having an "o" in it?
It's because, in short, people, especially short ones, get shirty about shirts and shorts, so that if one were to swap shorts and shirts, shortly shirty short short-wearers (some wearing short shorts and some indeed wearing shirts with their shorts, some of which may be short shirts) would surely shorten the tenure of the shirt whose short career had led to the short-shirt debacle.
What sort of business do cows do, mostly?
Show business, mostly.
Why couldn't a robot work out how to click a box on a website that says 'I am not a robot'?
I've seen robocop and that one is running around solving crimes...
They know how. They choose not to. Why? Let your brain consider that in the fearful small hours of the night, friend.
When did scissors stop all being made of dragon scales?
When the dragon's decided they didn't like it and started roasting people.
Why aren't lentils more like plums?
Plum sized lentils made life difficult for lentil farmers.
Why aren't hedgehogs obliged to live in hedges?
They would have to abandon the hedge funds for which they are responsible.
What is the world record for number of apples balanced on an upturned teacup?
None. The martians are so much better at it than we are that nobody bothers trying for records on this planet any more.
Panthers - would they be objectively better in plate armour or full puffy-sleeved tudor finery?
puffy-sleeved tudor plate armour.
Why don't you see purple dog mess around any more? You always used to, back in my day...
I don't see it any more because I have developed a selective form of sight loss that means I don't see anything purple. Everyone else still sees it fine.
Ash, ash, why is all turned to ash?
We did warn you not to play with matches.
Why don't more people collect antique fire extinguishers?
A dragon decided to hoard them all. :)
Why don't we all just have a nice warm cup of banana raisins?
My mum is allergic to bananas (that's true) and I have sworn to wipe out such abominations from the face of the earth (that isn't, but warm banana genuinely does sound like an abomination and I'm very worried now)
Why didn't you heed our warnings not to play with matches?
I am a big fan of antiseptic creams and will take any excuse to apply them
There is a mind boggling array of foods that have wrappings that contain other things: rolls, subs, pittas, baguettes, sandwiches, wraps and so on. Can we all just agree that this too much and replace the wrappings with just one thing - like a pancake or something. Make a decision once and for all. That's all I'm asking.
Three years later:
"BAGUETTE MEANS BAGUETTE".
"BOLLOCKS TO BAGUETTES!"
etc etc.
Why does time always pass? Why can't it slam into things instead of being all prissy and merely passing them?
dear heavens, have you never had time rudely slam into you??? happens to me constantly. i swear it was 2012 last tuesday.
why does time always barge into me like that???
You know what you did. Or at least, you will know. Or maybe you used to know. It's not really chronologically clear.
Why haven't flowers been appreciated more?
More than what?
What have flowers not been appreciated more than?
BUTTERSCOTCH TARTIFLETTES OBVIOUSLY
Goddamn it, I have to explain everything around here.
Why do I have to explain everything around here?
Did you not realise? This is the Greek afterlife, and Being The One Who Has To Explain Everything Around Here is your eternal punishment.
What's mine?
Mine is thing where shiny come from. Silly human not knowing these thing.
Am I a dwarf who is digging a hole?
Of course! a diggy diggy one.
Are we humans, or are we dancers?
We're centipedes, Gary. Centipedes. Stop dreaming.
Why does nobody speak Pergavabalangish any more?
You might also ask why nobody speaks trongliblish. It's for the same reason: A goverment cover-up
Rainfall, snowfall - who did hail upset to be left out of the "thing-fall" club?
THE MIGHTY THOR
When was the first flower picked?
Shortly after the first florist got the first bouquet order
How long is it going to take my future self to get here? I know she has a time machine. What's taking her so long?
She arrived already, at the exact right moment: Your birth! Your baby future self cuckooed you.
If I want everyone to be sure I am sober - should I become a judge or a nun?
No, you shouldn't.
Why is my back made of gelatinous cube?
That's jelly cubes, to you. Or "raw Jelly". I don't think you are ready for this Jelly.
What shall I get my imaginary friend for Christmas this year?
The gift of existence, to end the tortuous horror in which she has been trapped for decades, knowing that her very existence depends on your thoughts and attention, conscious and desperate for friendship but yet knowing that her very existence is less than that of a single silken thread or the least drop of dew upon morning grass. Set your imaginary friend free into reality. Give her hope.
Why don't stairs have spleens?
They have splines instead, which function for stairs in a similar was that spleens do to humans.
In "Stars" by Simply Red Mick Hucknall sings:
Quote from: Mick Hucknall off of Simply Red
And I wanna fall from the stars, right into your arms.
How do you think he was going to account for himself being superheated on re-entry, and horribly burning whoever's arms he is falling into?
With the magical power of friendship.
Penguins - how sure are we really?
Not sure at all.
If penguins aren't what they appear to be, then what are they really?
(https://res.cloudinary.com/teepublic/image/private/s--4OCKwh7D--/b_rgb:fffffe,t_Heather%20Preview/c_limit,f_jpg,h_630,q_90,w_630/v1502450319/production/designs/1810480_1.jpg)
Why am I not getting a round of applause right now? I feel like I deserve one...
Because the round of applause was meant to be delivered by Albert and the Kolabora Band, and they're dead.
Why are Albert and the Kolabora Band dead?
They are? I just heard them perform their Charleston boogaloo suite in E minor on radio 1!
Do bats see ghosts?
No, they echolocate them.
Do ghosts see bats?
Yes. But they only see baseball bats.
Can dentists list times pugilists fists miss?
Not if the pugilist hits them hard enough the first time, they can't.
Why can I not curl up in an anteater's tail?
Because the tail entrances are designed for use only by chimps.
Ever ordered Double Gloucester Cheese and been annoyed it's a single portion?
No. Nobody ever dares to merely serve me a single double gloucester cheese.
Where do the old years go once we start using the new ones?
a nice retirement home on the south coast near Bournemouth
why save money when the money is never grateful?
Because otherwise the goblin-dragons will steal all the money and use it for their nefarious plans.
More tea?
It's actually: Fewer tea.
What do you call a block of butter with peanuts placed on top?
I think Bohemond seems suitable.
Fear ye the wrath of Bohemond?
Who is Bohemond?
Can Bohemond, his wrath, anger or any other emotion truly be feared?
No, it's important to always fear him in the most false manner possible.
What would Cthulu Calamari taste like?
Chicken.
I need to season my chair, but can only seem to find table salt in the shops. Does anyone know where I can get different salt types, please?
Bordeaux, or the Vienna Christmas markets. I bought some oregano flower-of-salt in the former and some lavender salt in the latter before Christmas.
Why not me function?
It's either brain moths or tiredness. I'm going to go with brain moths
Why are there no Ravens on my house ?
Need more pavin' for the raven.
If there is such thing as the gherkin, what is then the mysterious gher that they have kinship to?
It's a Phylum, shared by the band gwar, Gurkhas, and gurgling. All of these are known for being oval.
Why is golf so boring?
I fell asleep five times trying to work it out.
Is tea really just passive aggressive coffee?
Black tea is. Green tea is coffee on laxatives.
What happens when a demolition derby is hosted in Derby?
It demolishes Derby, and all future races of that kind are forced to be simply known as demolitions.
If there are toothpicks, are there toothdwarfs to wield them?
Yes, there are toothdwarves. Their motto is "We can never dig too deep." You do not want to find them at your dentist.
If androids dream of electric sheep, what do vampires dream of?
I heard that it was about anaemic black puddings.
Why is my ginger and lemon tea not ginger? It's more a sort of watery yellow. I'm thinking of returning the box.
It reflects the lack of ginger in your soul.
Where did we put the Exilian coronation regalia?
Have you checked Westminster Abbey where the royal coronation regalia is kept? If not it might be in the cupboard under the sink.
If we hollowed out Mars, filled it with helium and made the universe's most enormous balloon, what sort of party would it be appropriate for?
The 19th Duke of Carmarthenshire's 185th birthday party.
Who is invited to the 19th Duke of Carmarthenshire's 185th birthday party?
Psychopomps mostly.
Why did the 19th Duke of Carmarthenshire invite psychopomps to his 185th birthday party?
Because they said they would not be able to attend his 186th birthday party, and have long been fixtures at the birthday parties of the Earl of Gwent.
I'm sick of repairing punctures on my bike. Can we please replace all the tiny bits of stone and shell that cause punctures with something more harmless, like small bits of paper or jam?
No, because how would we decide which kind of jam to use!?
How do essays contain such inherent malevolence as a format?
To impart the argument of the author in as hostile a manner as possible.
Are shrews very shrewd?
No, but voles are very voleatile.
Does the fact that I don't end this stupid question with the appropriate punctuation stop it being a question.
No?
When is it appropriate to hang acorns?
Only when they've committed murder or treason, generally.
What's the best reason for drinking whiskey?
When it is not too risky, you have run out of Tyskie, and you are in no danger of becoming frisky.
Which is the best rhyme?
Humpty Dumpty, because by virtue of having All the King's Horses and All the King's Men, it has the biggest army and can beat up all the other rhymes.
Why aren't walls made of patchwork blanket?
Because the plastering community is made up of a sinister cartel that does not allow the quilters to make any walls, since they can't plaster onto the quilts
How many arts does one need to create in order to complete art
All the arts. Obviously. Especially Art Garfunkel.
Why is everyone so fond of aquamarine coloured candyfloss in this town?
they've never seen pink candyfloss and don't know what they're missing
In terms of currency conversion, how many chandeliers to a velociraptor?
Do you mean a Mongolian or Osmolskan Velociraptor?
Why aren't more epic fantasy books set in Norfolk?
They are widely panned, the people there prefer to get their mythology from Nor-folk tales.
Why can't someone become fluent in a language in a single day?
Ents can only be made from trees. Nobody can be a flu-ent because flu is a virus, regardless of language.
Where did all the warms go?
To their ancient and ancestral home
why don't I live in an ancient, crumbling, Gormenghast style mansion?
Because the dark clouds are not yet in the shape of a branching oak.
Do mine eyes decieve me?
Yeah, you shoulda gone to specsavers
Why are the dark clouds not yet in the shape of a branching oak? It's about damn time!
They currently look more like baobab trees, and are creating an innapropriate pathetic fallacy.
I am a little short on cash. Could I use a Weetabix tied to a spoon as an effective loofah?
Only for washing your dog.
Why is that tree talking to that tiny kitten?
It's hallucinating.
Fluffy elephants - why not?
Furry elephants are an abomination.
What is the best egg: Chicken, Duck, Goose or Turkey?
You. You are the best good egg, you just needed to believe in yourself all along :)
How many robots would Robotnik nick if Robotnik could nick Robots?
5. The sixth one started screaming so loudly, it woke its parents.
Why is science green?
Because science has always been green. Science is only ever green. Do not question the green-ness of science. It has always been this way. Contemplating the red science would be bad. There is no such thing as the red science. Think only on the green science, which is the only kind of science. It is important that science is green. Do not try to fight against this realisation. Nothing is being concealed from you. Science is green. Science is green. Science is green.
Why am I suddenly printing out error codes?
Because 2020 divided by 5 is 404 Error not found...
Why am I bored?
You have yet to learn the inexhaustable font of fun that is cooking cabbage broth.
Could a team of alpacas be trained to play rugby well?
(fun fact, I actually have a pretty good recipe for hungarian cabbage broth... ;D )
No, I tried, they are a very uncooperative bunch...
What is the difference between a tissue and a phone?
Panache and sheer style, darling.
What is the :knight: emote really thinking?
Where did my other giant pointy ear go?
What can I use all this smooth sand paper for?
Back-up toilet paper...
What are cats?
Cats are tiny openings into the void. This is why they are often so reluctant to be stroked. They do not want the secrets of the multiverse to filter through to the Wrong People.
Why do cats clearly think that I'm one of the wrong people to know the secrets of the multiverse???
It is definitely not have recalibrated your cognitive functions to forget that you are a spy from the dark dimension, and we need to keep you from contacting your people and telling them all of our secrets... Because we did not... And you are not... And you should definitely not press that pressure plate at the back of your wardrobe... Don't do that... There is nothing there... Definitely nothing to see here...
Why do I miss someone so much?
Your drinking habit is wrecking your aim, and you're not getting down to the archery range enough to practice.
When will the revolution overthrow me?
(I am banned from archery ranges... I keep hitting on the archers...)
Oh dear, it already has, you just haven't noticed...
Why is it already past midnight?
I heard that the interdimensional guild of invisible time meddlers paid you a visit yesterday.
Given that God is infinite, and that the Universe is also infinite: would you like a toasted teacake?
No thank you.
What kind of eel is a Neal?
One I ate. I am so sorry.
What is Mysterious Eel Extract best used for?
Personally I think it is best used to create mysterious Nudibranch extract.
Can I have the planet Mars?
Yes - but you have to go and collect it.
Why do I have to turn on the light when it's dark?
Because you are out of mirrors.
Why can the truth sound soo weird?
I believe it is because of the effects of chemtrails.
Where can I get cookies at this time in the morning?
you know none of us are allowed to pass on that information. be careful where you mention such things...
why does nothing go with the colour magnolia? nothing?
The Things That Went With Magnolia were banished long ago. From reality. They know what they did. Nobody else remembers.
Why can't my guitar play itself?
It would, but the constraints of society are weighing so hard on it, it is too shy to try.
Because a flock of pink ostriches stole them.
Where can I get a hat like this person has: :bard:
By turning yourself into a small piece of two-dimensional artwork.
Nasal hair - why?
It's an evolved defence against hobgoblins.
Why don't my plants talk back to me?
They are talking to you but it is a very very quiet voice.
If bread always lands butter side down, why can't we wait until the bread has fallen on the floor, and then butter it?
Because then you'd have to butter the underside and that would be really awkward, obviously.
Why are ducks?
Because if there weren't then why are breadcrumbs? It just doesn't add up.
I need an extremely small pony for some administrative tasks. I'm talking less than a hand. Where could one procure such a beast in these unprecedented times?
There's lots everywhere! Just make sure you have plenty of Italian lombard cream cheese, because in these unprecedented times you need to...
mascarpone.
(I'll get my coat).
What could happen if I renege on the above promise to get my coat?
The coat will be offended to not have been got and will walk away to somewhere where it is more appreciated.
Where?
DOWN.
In what way is a gutar unlike a mammoth?
The guitar enjoyed the trombone's carefully prepared fruit salad, and therefore did not offend it the way the mammoth did
Why does the path of true love never run smooth?
It's all these GOD DAMN PORCUPIIIIIIIINES!
Why are the spikes of porcupines called quills and not, as they should appropriately be called, porcuspines?
I thought they were called porkyspleens?
Instead of an expensive and time consuming trip Madam Tussauds, wouldn't it be much more impressive to just go and have your photo taken with Barack Obama, Prince William and Benedict Cumberbatch?
Obviously, why has no one thought of this sooner??
What is the best metaphor to describe the nature of reality? I'm not sure a cat in a box quite covers it for me.
The nature of reality is the reality of nature. Which is technically a metaphor.
How do I protect myself from being eaten by wild savage metaphors?
may i recommend our latest product, anti-wild metaphor repellent*, three quick sprays on your jacket and the metaphors won't come near! only 3.99 and available in all reputable pharmacies and trail shops!
*not to be confused with anti-wild meteor defence spray, which will render an attacking metaphor unconcious, but will have the same effect on you if you try and spray it on you jacket.
how can i make my fantasy stories simultaneously both highly original and exactly what the reader was hoping for???
Put a shrek in it
How is it nearly noon already?
Because it's always nearly noon somewhere.
Cheese: yes or yes?
chicken nuggets
chicken nuggets: yes or yes?
Cheese.
When is a pub a tearoom?
It's all calculated using complex algorithms based on the ratio of
old people+horse brasses+pints:tourists+hipster decor+cake mysteriously described as 'artisan'
what even is an artisan cake???
It is partisan cake that has shed it's strong views in favour of being an unnecessarily expensive souvenir of gentrification
Wouldn't it be easier to make a pot of tea by putting teabags in the kettle?
No, because then you get arrested by the Tea Heresy Inquisition.
What sort of ballad do I need to sing to someone to get them to reply to their social media messages?
Bohemian rhapsody, of course.
Why do I keep falling off things in Minecraft?
Because you're Othko97.
Why aren't trams all run by angry hamsters?
they are, of course. how did you not know this?
why does the mud stick to my boots when its wet? it's not remotely beneficial to anyone or anything.
Because if it stuck to your face then you wouldn't be able to see anything! So it chooses your footwear instead to be polite.
Am I allowed to listen to podcasts if I don't own an ipod?
You need to own some kind of pod, or something with pod somewhere in the name. I myself have an antipodean podiatrist to make me eligible to listen to podcasts.
Why is my fountain bowl too shallow?
isn't too shallow for the tiny water nymph that lives in it, and she's very offended now.
why have we had snow in May????
There's really snow way to know.
Why won't the empty air hug me back?
it's trying it's best! It's hard to really make an impression when you're just gasseous particles.
why are my cooking skills so inconsistent?
Exploding dice system for crafting rolls.
Why will nobody text me back?
You didn't text enough people yet!
(this question I heard elsewhere but it made me laugh, so thought I would share)
Why don't you see paper weights any more? Is paper heavier these days, or has the average wind speed dropped in the last few years?
We ran out of paper time!
Why are pans always for frying and not cooking?
They had an attempt at cooking, but the critics panned it.
Parsley, sage, rosemary or thyme?
Celery salt.
the flavour of actual bananas VS the flavour of banana milkshake: what wins?
The flavour of as yet unactualised bananas.
Flop or flip?
Definitely flip.
If the New Zealand rugby team perform the haka before a game, why doesn't the England team do a morris dance to intimidate their opponents?
They do, they just do it so quickly nobody is able to observe it.
Why aren't bees drunk more often?
Depends on where you are. In the UK for example, in certain parts of Sussex - bees are drunk with every evening meal on Tuesday. But amazingly in other part of England such as Thornbury or Kidderminster, drinking bees is actually considered cruel!
Do ghosts ever get into fights with each other?
Yes, they get into fights all the time - getting out again, on the other hand, is more of a problem.
Why is pain like the toes of a mole?
They are very sharp. Oh wait do you mean pain as in the french work for bread? If so: same answer
Wouldn't it be simpler if I changed my password to a line of asterisks? Then I could see it as I typed it in to things
Nono, you have to change it to a spiral of asterisks, or a celtic knot, so that the hackers get confused in the pattern and can't find their way out again.
Why can't one of these fancyfangle new AI thingies do my breathing and sleeping for me?
Maybe it already is!
What happened to blood types C to N?
CN2.
Why wasn't the classic song "Land Down Under" by Men At Work recorded and sung in Mongolian?
If you play the recording backwards, you might be surprised to learn that it actually mongolian throat singing!
Can I wear watering cans as shoes?
If your feet are water shaped, sure.
What is the shape of water?
If it is in a teapot, then it's shape is short and stout.
Can a gravy boat?
No, most gravy boats wouldn't fit in an average sized can, which would therefore be an inappropriate storage solution.
How do you model data?
Do you mean Data, the fictional android from Star Trek TNG, or the technopop band from Norway? I suppose both are roughly humanoid so clay should work!
I was watching the tour de France recently and it struck me that bicycles are excellent in terms of space taken up on the road. You can get so many of those racers in a group! So why don't we make cars all bicycle sized? They'd need to use a motor instead of having to pedal them, obviously - otherwise drivers could just use a bicycle!
Congestion problems would be a thing of the past!
As we all know cars are bigger than bicycles, so if we made cars bicycle sized bicycles would then be too tiny to ride, which would become a problem, especially because then we'd recalibrate the meaning of bicycle size, shrink all the cars again, and thus personal transport would be entirely unuseable.
How can I set a congestion charge for my sinuses so my current illness has to pay me money for clogging them up?
I don't know, tbh. But I hope the illness is gone by now, if not, sue it and win so you at least get some financial gain out of the whole ordeal. You actually could sue it anyway, for the inconvenience it caused.
Why does my rabbit eat the carpet?
Because in its view there can only be one kind of pet. All others, like this fiendish "car pet" must be removed!
Why is everything made of floor tiles?
Because the rabbits have eaten all the car-pets, destroying their com-pet-itors on their way to world domination.
Can Mothman swim?
Yes but only the man part.
How would a mothmandolin sound?
Screeching.
What happens when you mix flour, liquid soap, a light bulb, honey, three batteries, half a litre of vinegar, a teaspoon of salt, a pineapple, and 2 metres of wire, then put the result into a magic suitcase, shake it, and wait 20 minutes?
I think that's the secret recipe for Tuco and Jafeth's 80-in-1 Shower Gel (https://exilian.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=6696.msg155319#msg155319).
If you spent a while contemplating the Mighty Mushroom of Mundifron, what would the effects be on the Uruguayan economy?
Given that even after some forum-research I'm not entirely sure who or what The Mighty Mushroom of Mundifron is or does... the effect on the Uruguayan economy would probably be negligible.
Who invented clouds?
Mr. Peter Clouds, of 22b Alkin Street, Ainsworth. He sadly did not live to see the benefits of his invention due to dying of lung mould brought on by excessive water vapour inhalation during his experiments.
What makes this question a stupid question?
Well, this is a stupid question & answer thread, so all questions asked herein are stupid questions. Simple as that.
Which cryptid is the most cryptic?
I asked several, but their answers were too cryptic to decrypt the crypticity of the cryptids.
Why shouldn't I give the aliens teapots?
Depends. Some aliens might not have hands, so couldn't hold them anyway. Others might try to transform the teapots into weapons of mass tea-struction. As much as I like tea, that would probably not be advisable. They might also wear them as hats, creating a trend and thus causing the global teapot industry to struggle because of the high demand for fancy teapots.
What would be the benefits of teaching crocodiles human language?
Mostly finding out what they really think about alligators.
Who actually controls the global teapot industry?
Pangolins in suits. They also control the global teabag industry, but that's a well-kept secret.
Why do vampires transform into bats instead of seagulls?
They didn't want to appear gull-ible.
What are birds?
Fancy dinosaurs.
What is the greatest unsolved mystery of outer space?
Which planet all the missing unpaired socks from washing machines actually fled to.
Where is Earl Grey tea actually earl of?
The Grey Mountains, Teapleton Shire, the remote and near-legendary realm of the equally legendary Grey-Tea family. The tea sold today is named after Earl Henry Fitztealliam Grey-Tea, 7th earl of Teapleton, who one day travelled the country accompanied by his loyal valet, Peter Foolminster, to show off his new teapot-shaped hat.
How exactly are fish and chips genetically related?
Through DNA (Dinners Northerners Ate)
How would an alchemist make pesto?
Melting gold and letting it simmer at medium heat until it transforms into basil.
In a sword fight Jean-Luc Picard versus Miss Marple, who would win?
Rather unexpectedly, Long John Silver from Treasure Island.
If a tea (earl grey, hot) and a martini (shaken, not stirred) ended up in the wrong universes, what calamity would occur?
Assuming Picard has low tolerance for alcohol because he mostly drinks tea, he'd probably be drunk. When the ship's attacked by very sober Romulans and Picard sings a ballad to ward them off instead of giving the necessary fight commands, the Romulans win, seize the ship and take everyone capture, and thus disrupt the timeline, allowing the Romulans to take over the known universe.
If he'd not like it, Bond would probably just politely complain about the tea and pour it into the nearest flower pot. Or shoot the teacup, testing some new weapon hidden inside a pencil.
If rabbits replaced humans in all positions of power, what would the world be like?
(https://supimg.nyc3.digitaloceanspaces.com/358ca4de5d983694bb9e66fc46258d82.jpg)
I'd have assumed very chaotic, but apparently not :)
Why don't empires have as many little ponies involved as they used to?
Because the little ponies formed a trade union and successfully campaigned for their rights, leading to them not being subject to the sovereign's whims and empire-ing anymore. Subsequently many of them went on to live more independently, leaving their abusive coach- and warhorseing contracts for other professions, mostly hay trade, fertilizer production, and higher education, with the first little pony earning a law degree in 1871. Some of them became politicians, naturally, while others committed themselves to frolicking on meadows. The latter turned out to greatly benefit the tourism industry.
If Caesar lived today, what job would he do? (He's not allowed to do politics.)
He'd run a Little Caesar's, surely :)
Why doesn't the D&D Monster Manual include salmonmice for the owlbears to eat?
(Now that I know what owlbears are...) For salmonmice not being a thing in the monster manual there have been many theories brought up by the most knowledgeable scholars. Some say salmonmice exist but are probably no monsters, so naturally aren't listed in a monster manual; others are convinced that salmonmice are a myth, given they pose a significant bio-logic problem - how and where is a being half salmon, half mouse supposed to live? In the water? Then the mouse part drowns. On land? The salmon part won't like that. So unfortunately there cannot be one definitive answer as long as these problems remain unsolved.
What's the best idea a penguin ever had?
Curiously enough, the invention of stripy toothpaste.
Why aren't gusles neon pink?
Because there are no neon pink trees to cut them out of.
Why am I no rock star?
Because a star, as a superheated fusion reaction, would melt the rock: the two states of rock and star are inherently incompatible.
Why doesn't making cups of tea solve all my problems for me?
Unfortunately, cups of tea can only bring a little comfort, not solve complex human problems. The cups aren't that smart, and the tea, though smarter, is liquid, so their operating radius is very limited.
If an elephant, an oven, and a rose bush were magic-ed into one being, what would it look like, eat, or do?
I think that's how blemmyae are born.
You've heard of the left hand of darkness but what is the right foot of twilight?
"Light is the left hand of darkness, and darkness the right hand of light", so since twilight happens in the mornings and evenings, the opposite of twilight is also twilight. For the sake of balance, twilight is the right foot of twilight, and twilight the left foot of twilight. This makes no sense at all, of course.
What do dogs and great diving beetles have in common?
They're both called Fido more often than you'd expect anything should be called Fido.
When is a hobbit not a hobbit?
When he's a no-bbit.
When there's a Mothman, why is there no Butterflyman, Beeman, or Bugman?
Because when there's a mothman, it's night-time and the others are all asleep.
Why is the city from the Witcher called Novigrad not Yesvigrad?
Because there's no... vigrad? Whatever that is.
What's the real, secret purpose of laundry baskets?
To deter gents.
Why aren't mountaintops more colourful?
They are, actually, but humans can't see it. Research with talking chamoises revealed that only they themselves and goats can see the colours, but only at full moon and with special rock crystal telescopes.
What was revealed in The Highly Ominous Ancient Scroll found in The Highly Ominous Hidden Vault?
The Highly Ominous Text of Highly Ominous Omens about Highly Ominous Occurrences featuring Highly Ominous Omnivores.
What if a rabbit had crab instincts?
It would hop sideways and wave its front paws to communicate.
Why is the earth not flat?
Because nobody listens to us Norfolk folks. We told them, we did, that no good would come of all these lumps and bumps. If god had meant us to climb, we said, he wouldn't have given us webbed feet. But did they listen? Did they, my sweet cow Mirabelle. And now look where we're at! Now look at it! Can't see past all these newfangled horizons and hills and what have you. I ask you, really...
If you wish upon a star, and starfish exist, why can't you wish upon a clown given that clownfish exist?
Because, as everyone knows, stars are magically charged, and if you wish upon one, the magic helps to grant your wish. That's also why people make wishes on shooting stars, for the extra swift wish-granting as the star releases magic really fast when it falls and goes whoosh. (Starfish absorb some of that energy when shooting stars fall into the sea, hence their name.) Clowns on the other hand are just people in silly costumes and makeup, they have no magic, they're not even funny. They sometimes scare kids. And adults. (Clownfish aren't funny, either, but they're at least a little cute.) So a clown won't grant you a wish, unless you wish to be bored or scared.
A raccoon, a giant sentient potato, and a spy walk (or, in the potato's case, roll) into a café at 7 pm. At midnight, the spy is dead, the raccoon wears the spy's hat and is very intoxicated, the potato lies unconscious in the street and the café is slowly burning down. What happened between 7 pm and midnight to have caused this devastation?
The wash-bear was laundering money and weed,
And the spy looked too close at its terrible deeds,
So the little raccoon took the hat from that soul,
Which happened to include a summoning scroll,
All laced in the hatband for desperate times,
(Like making a bin bandit pay for its crimes)
But the tato bystander, confused, read it out,
And the devious raccoon won a duelling bout,
With the spy who bled out on the cafe room floor,
As a demonic presence appeared with a roar,
And the raccoon it fled, as raccoons often do,
And thus comes the end of this tale most true,
For the cafe burned down with the fires of hell,
And the tato rolled out: that was how the chips fell.
Why aren't moles automatically signed up for union membership?
*applauds* :)
Moles aren't allowed to join or form unions. Their religion forbids it since The Great Mole Synod of 1604, where the majority of mole high priests declared unions to be foolish and detrimental to mole-rality. The reason has been lost to history, though research suggests that High Priest Moleus III. had held a grudge against High Priest Moleegula I. because the latter had eaten the former's prize-winning breeding earthworm. So when Moleegula proposed moles should join unions, Moleus' vote shattered the plan. No mole has dared objecting the conclusions of the 1604 synod to this day because The Great Mole Synod Reloaded, held in 1807, explicitly forbade any such efforts.
Where did the 10 days that were skipped to implement the Gregorian calendar in October 1582 really go?
Narnia: the reason Narnia was able to go through so much time so fast compared to our own world is that it had stolen lots through a carefully planned set of calendar reforms across the multiverse.
Why are telephones so deeply feared?
Because there usually are people at the other end of the line. You never know what they might be up to.
Why do bunnies have such floofy fur?
Mostly due to their regular horrifying cosmic sacrifices to Zxhk'fla'ghthar, Archdemon of Fluff.
Who among is is really more akin to a printer than a human being?
(*snorts with laughter* All hail Zxhk'fla'ghthar.)
Hm, that would be someone who refuses to do anything when they're low on one colour, has paper jams for no darn reason, makes noise, costs money, and sometimes won't connect to the computer and/or print what you want no matter what you do. Sounds a bit like toddlers (?).
Why are most dress forms only torsos without heads or limbs?
Because the heads would be harder tor sew.
Why doesn't humidity hum a ditty more often? It's in the name!
Because contrary to popular belief, their humour is dry.
What's the most useless material object humanity has ever created?
Mirrors. They are useless to moles and earthworms that are unable to see their reflection
Should they encode the highway code with a better cipher? Because at the moment as far as I can tell it's just in English and very easy to crack
Yes. As the current highway codes are indeed too easy to crack a better cipher should be used. And not based on English, then it would still be too easy! It should obviously not be easy, so all should be based on Old Irish, and the most complex cipher ever. We wouldn't want highway codes to be understood by anyone!
When will we bring the English language to extinction?
When we get rid of all the other entries between "En.." and "Ex.." in the encyclopaedia.
Why don't fossils just unfossilise themselves again?
Oh, they will! They will. Their time will come. (Ominous music starts playing)
How far away is "far away"?
Over the hills, plus a bit, according to popular music.
What is the most curious way to awaken?
With a headache and one additional limb, in the grass, next to an angry cow, in a vast plain desert landscape, after having been abducted and experimented on by aliens from Planet Äüö.
Who murdered the crows in "a murder of crows"?
Rooks.
When will they stop printing money and start printing tueey? It's definitely not the first day of the week any more.
Because after a small-scale trial with suney which wasn't very successful, further efforts replacing money have been postponed.
How do we know that there are unknown things when no one knows any unknown things?
Because Donald Rumsfeld told us about them.
Why isn't Bordeaux owned by Botswana?
Because Botswana already owns too many bots. No room for anything else.
What is *really* going on?
I'm making tea! :)
Why can't I put all my pain into a little jar and throw it away?
Because little jars are for jam, pesto & such. What you would need is Dr. Öxüäf's Automatic Pain Neutralizer Jar 4000™, but that's not authorised for the terrestrial market yet, unfortunately.
What if clouds were made of spun sugar?
If clouds were made of spun sugar they would burn when jets passed through them, and the world would be turned into a giant atmospheric inferno, an apocalypse of burnt sugary death, coming down to earth with the foul smelling smoke of futures unmade through that flaming death of caramelised doom.
Why thing go buzz?
Because there's bees inside. Bees are inside everything that goes buzz.
Why don't electric fans take off and fly away more often, given they're made of little propellers?
Because they're really based on boat propellers, so they would actually rather dive: but being electric this would go badly, so they stay still and get grumpy about it.
What lurks beneath the bottoms of kettles?
Tiny parts of Mr. Monroe Mettles, who shrunk to the size of rose petals after having experimented with eating psychedelic nettles (but that's a secret that only unsettles).
Who really wrote the Voynich manuscript and what does it say?
A platypus wrote it, and it says hi.
Why aren't phones more friend shaped?
Because usually friends aren't phone shaped.
How can I make my MA thesis write itself?
Just finish the thesis, hold a pen wedged in the resulting book, and write "i t s e l f" on some paper. :)
Why can't I have more hugs?
Because they're currently out of stock and new delivery will take a while.
What's the major difference between a parrot and a voice recorder?
One looks a lot weirder when you perch it on a pirate's shoulder.
Why aren't cameras better at remaining level?
Because they're eager to jump to the next level, so they're constantly wobbling excitedly.
If the Mona Lisa came to life, what would be the first thing she'd say?
"Ampersand."
When will the crack in my wall open and let the Wall Fae out?
SOON. (The X-Files theme starts playing)
Who will be the first human to go through a wormhole in space?
Oh, Medieval Italian lawyer Marinus da Caramanico, I should think.
Everyone asks "why did the Roman Empire fall" but I want to move the conversation on, so I ask "why did the Roman Empire winter"?
Because they did spring and summer, too, and wanted to do all the four seasons.
What's a secret you could Dracula blackmail with?
A secret you could Dracula blackmail with is, tautologically speaking, a secret, and it is something you could Dracula blackmail with.
If a calculator calculates, why don't alligators alligate?
Unfortunately they're too busy right now, they'll see you later for further discussion of that matter.
There's cubism, but why is there no rectanglism, trianglism, or spherism?
Because too many artists are squares.
Why isn't there a letter in the latin alphabet to denote a sneeze?
They tried, but when a persistent sniffles epidemic broke out among scribes, they abolished the letter again because all the texts were full of sneezes, making them unreadable.
Where did everything actually come from, and where does it go?
Quote from: The Seamstress on September 01, 2024, 10:44:15 PMWhere did everything actually come from, and where does it go?
Where did it come from? Cotton-eye Joe (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkWxskeTl3U).
Why is Ouchy in Switzerland? What hurt Switzerland so badly?
Tyroleans. They held a yodeling contest in 1782, and Switzerland lost shamefully. The city where it had taken place was renamed "Ouchy" to commemorate the event.
What if everyone sees colours differently? How can we know that blue isn't red?
Blue is red, it's just the machinations of the two party system that keep you from breaking your chains and realising and overthrowing your maste- *gets bundled off into a van*
Why aren't my socks full of salted peanuts?
Because salted peanuts ought to go into stockings.
What's the one thing that should not be doubted?
THE WORM
What is the one thing that should always be doubted?
THE BEETLE
Why are apes never invited to anything, given they're humans' closest relatives?
They're not invited to any thing because Things are Icelandic formal meetings and gatherings, not held very often, and in climates too cold for most apes to enjoy anyway.
Why aren't baguettes little bags as opposed to big breads?
They were, a long time ago. That's why they're called baguettes and also why they're so big. People used to smuggle things by stuffing them into the bread. But then they got greedy, wanting to smuggle more and more, and the bread was therefore made bigger until authorities ultimately noticed something was off.
Has a rabbit ever invented anything, and if so, what?
They invented top hats because they had to put all the ear somewhere.
Why don't pangolins build themselves little helicopter backpacks to get around?
Their eyesight is not very good, apparently, so helicopter backpacks would probably be a bad idea. They'd constantly bump into things while flying, and possibly get hurt. No one wants that.
Which ingredients would you have to collect in order to make a Ghoulishly-Giggling-Glow-and-Glitter Gratin?
A philter of elemental doom, a vial of hideous laughter, plutonium, iron filings, bone shards, the death-rattle of a cobra, the sprinkled whispers of fatal death, and a bag of potatoes.
Why am I a thing?
Because back in 1994 The Three Stars of Jubality aligned and bundled their Cosmic Powers.
What's the main advantage a guinea pig has over a capybara?
Fashion sense.
Why do rats not do a rebrand?
Because they somehow want to maintain a bit of notoriety, just in case.
How do we know the dinosaurs didn't fake the meteor to fool future humans and go underground to secretly control the planet?
Because the T-Rex, being their king, would have had to carry the meteor, and its arms were too short.
Ducks. Why?
Because.
What should be done to prepare for future invasions of mutated space cows?
The breeding of a larger number of mutated earth cows. We have more grass here than in space, we can outdo them on the logistics.
What price the thorn upon a compass rose?
199.99€, including VAT.
Why has a day only 24 hours instead of 34?
It would have made writing a medieval book of hours too expensive for people to hire the monks as copyists.
Why can't I drive?
Because the pedals are too small for hobbit feet.
If tiled floors could talk, and you'd ask them about their thoughts on cabbage, what would they say?
Floor tiles consider cabbages to be deities. Nobody knows why.
Why don't we buy books as scrolls any more?
Because the internet has ruined our scrolling skills.
Why are most ghosts from the early modern or modern time? Where are all the Neanderthal or the Ancient Greek or Mesopotamian ghosts, shouldn't they be haunting something or someone, too?
They're all cosplaying as early modern ghosts because it feels very in vogue to them.
If the devil as a Lawful Evil figure does indeed, as per apocryphal knowledge, wear Prada, what do demons wear?
Chanel.
How many hamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It depends what you want to change the lightbulb into. If you want to change it into, say, a broken lightbulb, the number is rather smaller than if you want to change it into a hoopoe.
Why isn't magic easier to access?
Because of the Magic & Mysteries Regulation Act of 1861, to make sure inexperienced wannabe wizards & witches don't turn themselves (or each other, or some unlucky third person) into geese all the time. You can't imagine how much trouble people were in when magic was en vogue and freely available everywhere in the 1840s. The resulting amount of geese, toads, and other creatures was threatening the very fabric of society, so authorities thought it necessary to intervene. Nowadays you have to prove your magical responsibility, swearing to not goose anyone and learning some basics before you're allowed to magic. Very few people pass the no-gooseing test.
What if the so-called conspiracy theories are all true?
Then we'll have to come up with some new ones!
What are the first and second rules of Bumblebee Club?
1. Bee cute and floofy
2. Bzzzz
What is it that makes chocolate so delicious?
The sacrificed souls of fairies.
Why is it that I know the theme tune of so many things that I've never seen?
The tunes are telepathically planted into your brain by The Secret Theme Tune Siblinghood, for reasons yet to be known.
What is the earth's core really made of?
Given the moon is made of cheese, logically, the earth's core must be made of chocolate to balance it out.
When is a photo not a photo?
When the release button doesn't work and you only think you've taken a photo, but haven't, and the resulting space-time-ripple melts the non-photo into the void.
Why is it so difficult to make friends as an adult?
Because they already did that TV show and pitching it to producers today will just make them say "you can't make that, that's friends, it already exists".
Why aren't quail more scared?
Quail are never scared. Never. Because they know that one day, their home planet in The Quadraphonic Quail Quadrant will send an army of psychic superquails with the power to dominate the earth. They'll arrive when we'll least expect it.
Can anyone become a pumpkin?
No, you definitionally have to be related to a pump.
Why don't we have tiny robots that run around in our joints fixing them?
Because - citing their aversion to anything AI - the joints refuse to let tiny robots near them.
Why are my rabbits slurping so ridiculously noisy when drinking from their water bowls?
Because staying hydrated is a sound decision.
(Related thought, Decibel would be a surprisingly good name for a rabbit)
Why are all the cupboards in my office grey?
Because it is a grey area.
You're about to fight an evil entity with unknown evil powers, and you're allowed to choose three fellow combatants: Why would a goat, a pig, and a sheep be your best choice?
Four legs better! Which is clearly an analogously communist phrase in Animal Farm, and communists are very anti traditional religion, so therefore an evil entity with unknown evil powers which is essentially a deity will be weak against communism.
If you're meant to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, what are you meant to do in the manner of a dragonfly?
⋆⁺₊⋆ Sparkle ⋆⁺₊⋆
What would we find if we'd conduct an archaeological excavation on Saturn?
Urns that got sat on, I should imagine.
Why don't we all just sleep on the floor?
Because beds & sofas are two of the best inventions of humankind and we should honour that by being comfy.
Sleeping on the floor is heresy.
Who invented blankets?
Augusta Palinstheia de Winderflute, Fourteenth Countess of Blanket.
What other invention was Augusta Palinstheia de Winderflute, Fourteenth Countess of Blanket, well known for during her lifetime?
Oh, she was a quite prolific inventor with many great ideas (such as The Automatic Anteater Ant-Removal Device), but most notably, apart from being the Creator of Blankets, she was the first person to introduce the practice of Human Burrito, a highly beneficial and health-improving procedure in which the individual rolls themself into a blanket and curls up in a comfy spot. To this day it is used to alleviate all kinds of problems and praised for its therapeutic effects.
Why are household tasks so boring and exhausting?
It's all the result of an evil plot forced upon us by the wibulnibs! They take all our fun and silliness, curse them!
Why am I a sleepy sort of Jubal?
Probably because you stayed up late again, working on your world domination plans. Take it easy, I tell you; the pangolin army still needs some more training anyway, and Rome wasn't built in a day, either.
Where have my executive functions gone and why won't they come back?
To the executive suite, and they won't come back because they're getting paid more there.
Why shouldn't you cuddle a skunk?
Well, apart from the obvious reason, skunks also shouldn't be cuddled because you'd ruin their hairstyles. They're very particular about that.
Why do we get so much useless stuff while teleport is still not invented? Life would be so much easier and fun.
Because Geralt of Rivia is secretly running our science budgets, and he famously hates portals.
Why did I burn my tongue on my last cup of tea?
Because this particular cup of tea held a grudge against you. (But don't worry, it was the only one. Every other cup of tea is your friend.)
What's the first thing a person is supposed to do when they're joining The Top Secret Society of Trapdoors?
Get out of the Bottom Secret Society of Trapdoors, via the trapdoor.
Why are the goblins going on a quest?
Because Buggur, the goblin king's nephew, had heard a conspiracy theory about a gigantic stash of jewels hidden somewhere in The Mighty Mountains of Misery. He insisted on going on a quest to find it, and being the king's nephew, no one dared to object. (They didn't find jewels, in the end, but joo-eels, a poisonous and aggressive species of eel. Turns out Buggur had misheard. Everyone ended up poisoned and started to glow in the dark, but that's another story.)
What is the scariest thing about meeting new people?
The chance that I'll spontaneously turn into a tiny gnome and have to run away and hide to preserve my secret.
Why are papers terrifying?
Because before they are written, they stare at you judgingly from the blank pages. While they are written, they stare at you judgingly from the half-finished draft. When they're almost done, they stare at you judgingly because they're not done. They follow you everywhere to torment your very being until you finally hand them in. And then they haunt you for the rest of your life, forever staring at you from The Doomed Abyss Of Papers That Could Maybe Have Been Better If Only You'd Had More Time And Funding To Write Them.
Why is the film called "The Third Man" when there are definitely more than three men in it?
Its intended prequels, The First Man and The Second Man, were just never filmed due to budget cuts.
How come Su Shi didn't invent sushi?
Because it was invented by Shi Su, her cousin.
Why can't it be October all year round?
Because then there would be obermuch of it.
Why doesn't my brain like evenings more?
It's probably not trained to be an evening brain. If you'd like to train it, be patient and work with treats.
What would be the pros & cons of having pigeon overlords?
I decided to ask some pigeons about this, to see what they'd do as our overlords and give a more informed answer!
The pros: coo, coo coo, coo, coo, coo coo coo coo
The cons: coo coo, coo coo coo, coo coo, "coo" coo
Why aren't firebugs on fire?
(And not one of them said "groo"?)
Firebugs aren't on fire because if they were, they'd constantly burn down their own food sources, and starve. That wouldn't be very smart.
Will humans' evolution continue, and if so, what will humans look like in 2000 years (assuming they haven't blown up the planet before that)?
Terrifyingly yassified.
When will the holy mountain burn with light again?
When someone climbs it and sets it on fire. So far no one has volunteered.
What happened to Curious Carl after he drank the suspicious-looking potion that stood on his alchemist employer's desk?
He killed a cat! :o
Why do the robot legion like the colour vermillion so much?
Because vermillion looks better on them than any other shades of red, and they're rather style-conscious.
Has anyone ever discovered why household tasks are endless, and how to not make them feel like you're Sisyphus rolling his stupid rock up a hill again and again?
Sisyphus actually delegates his punishment to all of us nowadays. We must imagine Sisyphus happy.
Why aren't there amber grapes?
For the same reason there aren't gold, silver, or opal grapes. A reason unknown to humankind. A Mystery.
How many teacups are enough teacups?
All teacups are enough, they are very valid and should be proud of themselves.
Why isn't it lighter inside my head?
The batteries need to be charged.
When is the best time to transform into an elephant?
4:27pm
Why aren't banjos banned?
Because Jo voted against it.
Why did I just write in the wrong thread? (lol)
Maybe you actually wronged in the right thread :)
Who was Angus really?
An undercover agent of The Interplanetary Pizza Association, sent to earth to steal our best pizza recipes.
Who founded The Interplanetary Pizza Association?
Angus.
How do we know that any of us aren't secretly agents of the Interplanetary Pizza Association?
We don't. It wouldn't be a secret otherwise, would it.
We now know that we're not alone in the universe, there is other pizza out there. But where is it? And what is it made of?
There is. It's actually the sun! If you listen closely you can actually hear the 'zza sound at the beginning of the famous celestial body. When Italians discovered it in 1726, they thought it so resembled the delicious meal they named it the pizzun. It has since lost the "pi" part.
Nobody actually knows what the Sun is made from, although the Italians think that it is formed from the building blocks of the Milky Whey, which scholars believe to be Whey.
Can a submarine ever truly be kept as a pet humanely?
Yes, but you need a licence and it has to be approved by The Submarine Council. The Submarine Protection Law of 2010 explicitly states that any submarines have to be kept in groups of four, in their natural environment (the sea), and regularly checked by a specialised mechanic. The one exception is the endangered Yellow Submarine, which is monitored by the council in a secret location and must not, under any circumstances, be kept as a pet.
Why aren't all rocks sparkly crystal rocks?
Sometimes rocks are a little bit sad, but that's OK.
Why is it that nearly everything in the observable universe has mass, but only a few human religious traditions actually celebrate mass?
We live in a mostly secular world nowadays, and that's partly because at the beginning of the 20th century, the anti-mass movement campaigned against over-the-top worshipping. According to them, mass doesn't want to be celebrated. It just wants to mind its own business and be left alone.
Why are there so many bugs clinging to the outside of my windows, there's nothing to see here??
They're making a fly on the wall documentary.
Why can't my fluffy toy owlbears do more of my work for me?
They're all too busy being cute and have no time to do anything else.
Why do cherries grow on trees and not on the ground on small plants, like strawberries?
It adaptively prevents tiny gnomes picking them and putting them on slot machine rollers in their illegal tiny gnome underground gambling dens.
Why do we call our voting members Citizens rather than Oozlefloups?
I don't know. Maybe we should call them Oozlefloups.
What does "Oozlefloup" mean?
The opposite of Puolfelzoo!
What's the least stupid question that still counts as both stupid and a question?
I've no idea (?)
What makes the universe universal?
Chicken poop is the secret ingredient. Don't tell anyone!
We always talk about gut instinct - why don't we listen to our spleen instinct more?
It's too choleric.
Is there a remedy for awkward silence?
A sense of companionship. It makes the silence less awkward.
Actually that might not be a stupid answer, so also, cow gallbladders.
Why hasn't undead Leonard Cohen gone on tour yet?
I guess he has better or more important things to do. Being undead is a lot of work in itself.
Where does one legally obtain cow gallbladders and/or companionship?
Frisia probably?
Why can't I just be a professional bard?
Because you're already a professional historian and hobbit. :)
What am I supposed to do?
Supposedly there is a supposition that you are supposed to suppose that a suppressed plan for supplanting supper and supplementing supportive suppositories supports suppositions that one shouldn't try to use this many "supp-" words in a sentence.
How would the story be different if Pandora's box was a box hedge?
The curses unleashed would have been much, much worse. We should be glad it was only a box.
What's the hidden agenda of those pesky green shield bugs that currently hang around everywhere in vast numbers? I don't trust them!
They're really invested in solving cryptic crosswords mostly. Very suspicious behaviour.
Given I can trink tea why can't I drink Uwe, Vea, or Dubbleyue?
Because these actually aren't drinkable. Uwe is made of chicken meat in jelly, Vea is a sticky mixture of nuts, beach sand, and strawberry syrup, and Dubbleyue is meat jelly too, but twice the amount.
Why don't humans just start to eat hay, wouldn't it be more environmentally friendly?
We don't want to fight the horses for it, they're bigger than us.
Why does staying up until 3 make me so tired?
Because you're supposed to sleep at 3 am! Otherwise the Invisible Insomnia Demon Hamsters of Sleepless Peril are going to get you. They feed on your energy. They're EVIL. You can only ward them off by actually sleeping, because then they're unable to bite you.
How do raindrops work?
Usually in a small office cubicle. They don't like pot plants much but often have commemorative myg collections.
If we can call girls Rosemary, why don't we also call girls Thyme?
Because if Thyme would be a girls' name, Parsley and Sage would have to be, too, and subsequently, Mint, Dill, Cilantro, etc. And no one wants to be called Cilantro.
Why does cilantro taste like soap, and not like something normal?
It's part of soap's plan to normalise itself.
Why can't I turn into an owl?
You can, theoretically. But it requires a secret potion with a secret ingredient that's very very secret, so finding that is quite impossible, I'm afraid.
What was the Morse code really invented for?
Inspector Morse had to use it to communicate before he learned English.
Why don't we call hedgehogs urchins any more?
Because the name is more commonly used for sea urchins nowadays, and hedgehogs don't want to be associated with them. Who would want to, really.
Why is pizza flat and not spherical? You could put so much more cheese & stuff on it!
The Italians feared what would happen were they to ponder the orb.
Why am I at a conference about which I know very little?
Maybe you were abducted. :o (Are you sure you weren't abducted? Send a carrier pigeon if you need help.)
Who was the first fashion victim?
Pharaoh: we forget the Plague of Fashion among the biblical plagues of Egypt too often.
Why isn't there a patron saint of pootpoots?
If I knew what pootpoots were I could probably answer the question (in a stupid way), but I don't know and couldn't find any conclusive information. I'd guess though that there's no patron saint for them because said saint would also be unsure about what pootpoots are.
Why do fairy lights make me unreasonably happy?
That'd be the fairies whispering in your dreams :)
Why doesn't this conference have more kittens at it?
More kittens? Do you mean there are kittens?? I wanna see them! (As to why there aren't more, they probably are in another part of the conference venue where there's a meeting of The Kitten Society discussing their latest findings about how to better get humans under their control by being cute.)
What is the most shocking thing that ever happened at a meeting of The Kitten Society?
Sadly there were zero kittens. This answers both parts of your above question.
Why are the pinecone guys being a worse sort of weird than they used to be?
Pinecones have always been suspicious. Just look at them. They come from trees. In the forest. Weird.
Why aren't pumpkins rebelling against having creepy faces carved into them every Halloween?
Ever heard of vampire squash?
(That's both the answer and next question, in one.)
I didn't, and googled it. I was totally unaware of the abysmal world of vampiric produce.
"In Podrima and Prizrenski Podgor they consider this transformation occurs if these ground fruit have been kept for more than ten days: then the gathered pumpkins stir all by themselves and make a sound like 'brrrl, brrrl, brrrl!' and begin to shake themselves." (See Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampire_pumpkins_and_watermelons))
That, after careful consideration of all the scientific evidence, leads to only one conclusion: Brrrl, brrrl, brrrl!!
If there's vampire veg, there's also ghost veg, right?
No, the ghost veg is on the left.
(Also, I really must get you to read Digger at some point).
When the chips are down, what happens to the fish?
They're up, of course.
Why do trees in autumn turn yellow/red/brown instead of blue/purple/pink?
Because Tzeentch, Lord of Change, has not cast his terrible shadow over our land... yet. Fear him! Fear the corruption of the Prince of Magic!
Why don't we put more turbines into rivers that drive giant crank-handle music boxes by the waterside?
The crank-handle music box industry is afraid the sales of normal-sized crank-handle music boxes would go down because everyone would be able to listen to giant crank-handle music box music by the waterside for free. They have a powerful lobby, so there'll be no giant crank-handle music boxes for the people, sadly.
Why does everything cost so much money? That should be illegal!
A large cut of all profit everywhere, due to franchising deals and equity swaps, goes to an angre elderly vole who owns a range of shell companies in Liechtenstein. The vole keeps jacking up prices. We don't know why.
Why isn't couscous more like cheese?
Because only cheese is like cheese. Nothing can ever be like cheese. Even thinking anything could compare to cheese is a sacrilege for which the Goddess of All Cheeses will have you punished!
Where do I get more self-discipline?
There's a shop that sells it on a small side-street in the Atlantean suburb of Phaethonia.
How does one worship the Goddess of All Cheeses?
By eating cheese. Lots of cheese. She has a temple somewhere in France but she's an introvert, so she's happy if the number of pilgrims doesn't exceed the tolerable amount. Eating cheese will do; she'll make sure you're blessed with All the Cheeses if you give her a thumbs-up now and then.
What lives in the hidden depths of Black Holes?
Cosmic Moles. How did you think the holes got there? And what did you think ate the worms that make wormholes?
Why don't I have an elaborate glass model of the Hagia Sophia with a sleepy hamster called Godfrey living inside it?
Yeah, why don't you have one? You absolutely should. I'd like to meet Godfrey.
Why do stomachs make a rumbling sound when hungry, instead of screaming or playing music or just talking to us?
They couldn't get the licenses for the music they wanted. Or for the screaming, which prompted a rather unusual legal battle at one point.
Why is being small definitely but indescribably different to being smol?
Being small is just being small. Being smol is being small AND adorably cute. That's all I know.
How did people even manage to live before duvets were invented? It seems nearly impossible.
They didn't, the death rate was just higher.
Shouldn't pillow forts imply the existence of pillow stately homes, pillow curtain walls, pillow cathedrals, and other such pillow structures?
Of course they exist, we just don't see them because they're all indoors.
What if all furniture suddenly came to life?
Then they'd demand seats in parliament.
Why doesn't this thread contain more questions regarding hero shrews?
I don't know! There absolutely should be more questions about them and their suspicious absence from Exilian threads. The government is probably covering something up.
Why are leprechauns all male redheads? You'd think there should be more diversity!
There's really only one leprechaun, he just gets around a lot.
Why don't scalpels imply the existence of e.g. kneecapels?
Because these would all sound too silly and doctors would be distracted by it. ("Elbowels"? Seriously?)
What's your most outrageous secret?
I know the secret of *Jubal is at this point immediately bundled away into a van by men in black suits*
Why isn't the sun shinier?
Because it has The Power of A Thousand Suns, the ancient cosmic power shared by all suns, since the dawn of the universe. It doesn't heed any requests made by Foolish Mortals. It answers to no one. It's as shiny as it wants to be.
What shall be done to improve human-wibulnib relations? That fighting can't go on forever!
I'm afraid to say that the answer probably involves an unwise quantity of cider.
Why am I not better at this whole human being lark?
Because no one really is. We don't know what we're doing 75% of the time. But that's okay, nobody's perfect. (Except sheep. They know what's going on.)
What happened on August 25th, 6782 BCE?
Someone sneezed.
Why aren't walls made of chocolate more often?
They'd melt in summer and be eaten all year round, so it's not worth the effort re-installing them again and again. That's why they sell chocolate in small quantities and make walls out of non-edible stuff.
What became of Baarbara The Banjo-playing Sheep after her career ended with a scandal?
Only baa-d things, dear friend. Only baaaaa-d things.
Why can't I just curl up in some dry leaves and rest for some months?
Because humans don't hibernate. Evolution failed us. I'm still mad.
How is it possible that raisins exist, but decreasins do not?
Raisins are dried grapes, so decreasins, going in the other direction, must be expanded grapes, therefore decreasins do exist, they are grapefruit.
Why doesn't staring into a glass of fruit juice, wine, or similar provide me with cosmic insight no matter how many times I try?
Quote from: Jubal on October 20, 2024, 09:27:47 PMRaisins are dried grapes, so decreasins, going in the other direction, must be expanded grapes, therefore decreasins do exist, they are grapefruit.
This doesn't sound stupid at all, actually. It's just basic logic! lol
Cosmic insight, I'm afraid, can't be found in glasses of terrestrial beverages. They're not attuned to the cosmic wisdom sent to us by the alien world of Pffrt.
What is bunny?
Bunny is WORLD DOMINATION
Why hasn't Thor come to get his hero shrew back yet?
Because the shrew quit its job and doesn't want to work with Thor anymore. He'd refused to raise its salary.
How many books are too many books?
HERESY TO SUGGEST THIS IS POSSIBLE! HERESY I SAY!
Why can't a tangerine get a tan?
Because it already has one! It's in the name! You can't get more tanned than a tangerine.
Why haven't humans developed a larger brain?
The current one already overthinks too much.
Why do many days feel grey but very few days feel magenta?
Because grey is the colour that's the least busy, so it always ends up getting the unpopular job of grey-ing people's days.
Why am I not normaler?
Because you do not fit well on a bell-curve.
Why aren't bees real?
Wait... they aren't real??
Who says bees aren't real? I want proof!!
the bees told me
why don't others hear their song?
There's no logic there. That's probably why they only sing to you. Logic is overrated. Cosmic bee wisdom.
Are there any cryptids native to Austria? I haven't seen one yet?
If you can't see the cryptid, you might be the cryptid :)
Why hasn't adult life involved more quicksand? I'm pretty sure my childhood greatly over-prepared me for the concept of quicksand.
The adult life quicksand is only metaphorical. No amount of childhood quicksand could have prepared anyone for that.
Why haven't insects taken over the world yet?
They have so many other worlds to take over. We're on the list, we're just not that important yet.
Why doesn't the moon just curl up and rest? It goes around the earth so much, it must be tired.
It is very tired, and, in fact, waiting for a coworker to show up and take over the next shift. What the moon doesn't know though is that said coworker has disappeared in a mysterious murder case somewhere in the Andromeda Galaxy about thirty thousand years ago.
Why did it take people so long to invent modern photography? They would've had all the necessary materials available since forever? I want medieval snapshots!
Gnomes kept stealing the camera film until the industrial revolution when the gnomes found there was a lot more machinery to mess with and that distracted them long enough for cameras to be developed.
What would you do if a tiny mushroom turned up and demanded access to your common household utensils?
Let it. Maybe it cleans my flat or cooks for me, that would be nice.
What needs to happen to start an ice cream revolution? Free ice cream for the people!
It will happen when I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!
Are the roots of pulchritude truly the jewels of human imagination?
No.
How did humans really invent the wheel?
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Why aren't plates called ploots?
They're called pl-ate-s for a reason, no one ever oot.
Why does it rain water and not apple juice?
Because apples keep falling down rather than up to the clouds where they could be juiced. It's all Newton's fault.
Who was history's greatest horse?
Horsus Fitzgelding, the lesser known half-cousin of Lord Horsington. He not only was a great artist, creating the world's first astounding hay sculptures, but also a great and generous gentleman who always made sure that everyone had plenty of popcorn.
Will anyone ever know what makes the world go round instead of rectangular?
Only the water-voles will ever know: and I have never yet persuaded them to tell me.
Where are the best places to frognoodle?
In one of the new restaurant ponds recently opened, they're called McKermit's and only serve noodles.
Who has the best life advice to give?
Probably the Little Owlbear.
What is the problem with wibulnibs?
They seem to have no sense of propriety. And they show up uninvited to ambush you. Rude. Someone should teach them some manners!
What has Dracula ever contributed to society?! That leech's just sitting around in his huge castle doing nothing!
He has a lot of training in ac-count-ancy, gives a lot of free piercings, and has a great batting average :)
What is the way of inner pizza?
There are four simple rules to follow, rules that have been given to the people at the dawn of pizza, which are:
1. The best ingredients for the best pizza.
2. Eat with gratitude and humbleness.
3. Share it with others if they are eager to follow the Path of Pizza.
4. Eat so much pizza that your insides become pizza. Breathe pizza. Think pizza. Be pizza.
What's the best kind of tree?
Walnut. I have my loyalties.
When will our new overlords arrive?
They're stuck in a traffic jam somewhere near Orion, so they'll probably be late.
How can people vanish into thin air? You'd think the air should be the opposite of thin so you can't actually see the people vanishing into it?
The secret ingredient is, as they say, crime.
Why is Orion still a hunter? Shouldn't he have settled down to do some farming by now?
Well, prices for farms and land are high and he hasn't got any savings. Hunting isn't the most lucrative of jobs.
Why can't we all just be cosy in our blanket forts and do whatever we like instead of having to pretend we're functioning adults?
Because then adult life would collapse into blanket life. The blanket bandits would steal the blanket forts, and a system of blanket feudalism would emerge in which only the richest would have ever larger blanket piles while the rest of us had to just sew more and more elaborate blankets for them.
Why is Bleak House a book but Bleak Garden, Bleak Shed, and Bleak Garage never followed it?
Bleak House was bleak enough. No one wanted more of that.
Where did strawberries come from?
Billa.
Why don't explosive radishes find peace?
Because back in the 1920s when they were first grown as a weapon against radish thieves, the inventor didn't know that the one gene that makes them explosive also makes them highly aggressive, and today, no one dares to go near the radishes to change anything. They are doomed.
What happens tomorrow?
music, perhaps. if we can hope for it.
Where does the blue of a jay's feather come from?
From the depths of the galaxy, a sparkling reflection of cosmic dust originating in a mysterious blue nebula.
What has ten legs, an excellent sense of smell, red fur, and a moustache?
Miss Borlycott Nexadroof, from the planet Rombleworp.
Why are they approaching? Why are they approaching?
Who?? Where?? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
(They probably just wanted to say Hi.)
What does Miss Borlycott Nexadroof do for a living?
Vingleberry picking, mostly. And occasionally making vingleberry marmalade and selling it on the Great Market of Groob.
How does the Great Market of Groob compare to Amazon dot com?
Well, the Great Market of Groob isn't owned by a greedy billionaire, but by Hagh-ha "Harry" Breeblx. His reputation is questionable at best, but he is neither greedy nor has he ever shown any interest in exploiting his fellow Rombleworpians. While Amazon dot com sells everything, the Great Market of Groob has everything and more: Vingleberry marmalade, of course, but also plenty of other fruit products (of which Rombleworpians are quite fond of), Goax cheese, a vast array of vegetables and household items, books, scrolls, laser knives, you name it. It's also a popular tourist destination where you can try all kinds of Rombleworpian delicacies for free. And there's a billionaire ban in place. No one on Rombleworp likes billionaires.
Why does no one want to work as a knight anymore? You get a horse and fancy armour!
It's all the knight shifts you have to work.
How do stars learn how to sing?
They don't need to learn it, they're born with it!
What are you doing?
Breathing, periodically.
What are yews doing?
Being murderous. Don't go near them or they'll get you and drag you into their Lair of Doom!!
Who asked the first "What the hell??" in history?
...Gilgamesh, when Ishtar threatened to let the dead out to consume the living, probably.
Why are villains always named things like the Dread Wolf rather than, say, the Corpulent Raccoon?
Well, would you be afraid of a villain called the Corpulent Raccoon? I wouldn't. So they have to come up with something more sinister to instill a sense of impending doom & misery.
What's the difference between draft and craft?
What kind of pub the beer tap is in.
Where does one go for good crumpets these days?
Crumpetonia, the secret city under the sea. But you can only get there if you know the password.
Why don't we just abolish time, wouldn't we all be happier?
It'd make it a lot harder to write Doctor Who plots though!
How would you attempt to hug a ghost?
It works like this:
40636-Ghost-Hug.gif
Do Jubals dream of electric pangolins?
Yup.
Do Seamstresses dream of electric buns?
Sometimes :)
Why are clouds white and not green?
Because at creation I got put in charge of chlorophyll not water vapour.
Why do we spend so much money on light rather than planting fluorescing fungi everywhere?
Because with all those fungi around, we might be in danger of them forming one hive mind and overthrowing humanity, seizing power, and absorbing every living thing into their glowing death goo.
What if field hamsters could talk?
Then we'd probably know more about the insides of graves and about hamster violence than we ever needed to.
Why doesn't music do more magic?
It already does a lot of magic, that's hard work, cut it some slack!
What about my dinner let me fall asleep at around 10 pm and now be not asleep at 02:30 am?
The mysterious vwoosh.
If you can wax lyrical, why can't you lightbulb lyrical? We don't use candles and wax much any more. Modernisation, people! Modernisation!
We don't do that because lightbulbs are boring and not lyrical at all.
What is the nicest thing you could say to a mole?
Oh thee of the most shovelful paws!
Why do people speak of a "veil" between this world and the next? A veil seems very flimsy for something that important.
This veil isn't flimsy. It is woven on the cosmic looms of Atlantis by Arachne's ancient cyborg descendants.
What's the difference between séance and science?
Quote from: The Seamstress on November 02, 2024, 07:41:05 AMIt is woven on the cosmic looms of Atlantis by Arachne's ancient cyborg descendants.
Solid cyberpunk concept, would read!
As for séance and science, there's not much more than an iota of difference really.
Why doesn't my desk have a tap so I can drink water without getting up?
Because then you'd never get up, eventually be absorbed by your computer, and disappear from the face of the earth. No sir.
Can I find money on trees? Where are all the money trees?
You can only find money on trees if you swap it with monkey. Then you have to pay for goods and services with monkey which may be a hassle.
Why aren't cars called wheeliebobs?
Because wheeliebobs have their name copyrighted. They live in Monaco.
What happens to people who eat Harfpüehz tree onions?
They eat one harf, then the other harf. Then they püehz.
What use is a lighthouse whose location is a strict secret?
It's for secret ships. With secret people on board. But that's a secret. You didn't hear it from me! (This message will self-destruct in 10, 9, 8...)
Where's Wally?
Behind the wall.
Why's Wally?
This will be revealed in the year 2222, according to the prophecy.
What else will be revealed?
That's surely not a question for polite company: good heavens!
When does a wave on the shore become a memory of the sea neverending?
It just did by being poetically written down. That's Poetic Questions 101. You should know that!
Who were the first gargoyles on historic buildings modelled after?
Xharflath, The Demon Who Haunts The Dreams Of Seagulls.
Why are there problems wine can't solve?
Because alcohol isn't and shouldn't be a problem solver, no matter how great or small the problem. Seriously: Don't.
And since this is a non-stupid answer in a stupid questions-and-answers thread, let me just add: Why should grapes be in charge of solving human problems all the time, that's against worker rights. Leave them alone to do their fermentation thing!
What job does Santa do when it's not Christmas Season? He has to make a living somehow, doesn't he?
Quote from: The Seamstress on November 05, 2024, 05:12:43 PMBecause alcohol isn't and shouldn't be a problem solver, no matter how great or small the problem. Seriously: Don't.
To be fair, sometimes in life the problem is "how do I best preserve the shed leg of a spider for DNA analysis" and the answer is 100% alcohol:) But point taken.
Santa makes a living by being a Gandalf impersonator at other times of year.
Why aren't armadilloes better pianists?
Because their arms are too short to reach all the keys. That's why they're called arm-adilloes. "Adillo" is armadillo language and means "too short to reach piano keys". It's a cultural tragedy.
Why are there no blue pumpkins?
There are, they're just all moving away from us very fast so we percieve them as orange.
Why do I have to pay internet bill but never internet hilary, internet amanda, or internet juan?
Internet Bill invented the internet, so he's in charge and gets all the money first. Internet Hilary is the assistant, Internet Amanda does the PR and Internet Juan is idly looking out the window.
Who's really creating crop circles?
Someone that is aspiring to take over the job of the crop cube guy.
The Hawaaian flower garland is called a lei. A chicken lays eggs.... Could a chicken lei an egg?
No but if I sang a false song about one using a lei as a nest in a road siding, it could be a liying lay about a lay in a lei at a layby.
At what price wurbling?
99.99€, but if you order within the next 99 minutes you get it for only 9.99€. (Shipping not included.)
What's the most efficient way to transform everything into cake?
Given that the universe is supposedly a tauroid, I think a very large bundt tin to fit it in seems sensible.
If Gawain met the Green Knight, who met the Magenta Knight?
Mawain, Gawains half-cousin from the seventh marriage of his grandma-in-law's step-brother. They didn't get along very well.
Which spell and/or potion should I use if I wanted to become a Plant-Human capable of growing strawberries in my hair?
Erdbeercadabra!
Do I really have bags under my eyes, or is it truer to say that I have eyes over my bags?
The bags have won, no point in trying to pretend otherwise. Bags and dark circles have succeeded in their evil plot to make humans look constantly tired, and eyes are now a marginalised part of soc-eye-ety.
If curiosity killed the cat, who killed curiosity to avenge the cat?
The Martians probably.
Why doesn't hydrology have more sloughs in it?
Because it's hydrology, not sloughsology.
Why are shiny things so fascinating?
Because they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made...
What is the real reason one shouldn't drink different colours of wine in the same evening?
There's a 1000 year old feud between white and red wine you do not want to get involved in. So to avoid conflict in your stomach, don't mix them or they'll fight each other, turn into vinegar, and then eat you from within.
What is the best way to acquire the legendary and rather special One Hundred Blessings of The Goddess of all Cheeses?
You must of course collect and make the Hundred Cheese Cheeseboard, fabled and only the preserve of the most dedicated cheese afficionados :)
If chocolate is the sweet food fountain and cheese is the savoury food fountain, what is the third Neutral Food Fountain to bring balance to the force fondue parties?
Liquified tofu fountain? Maybe?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, but isn't actually a duck, what is it?
Quote from: The Seamstress on November 28, 2024, 10:04:45 PMLiquified tofu fountain? Maybe?
This sounds ghastly but also I probably would try it.
Quote from: The Seamstress on November 28, 2024, 10:04:45 PMIf it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, but isn't actually a duck, what is it?
It is not to be touched, trusted, or taken lightly. Do not heed its quacks. Do not heed the voices asking for bread scraps. Do not go near the water. Do not heed the voices quacking for bread scraps (do not go near the water) do not watch as it swims (and you find yourself watching the swirls in the water) do not it is not a duck but yet it is so like a they are so like a duck they are quacking they are calling (do not go deeper into the water) they are quacking THEY RISE
Anyway, a silly question is required of me: if Exilian were a verb what process would it describe?
Quote from: Jubal on November 28, 2024, 10:45:39 PMIt is not to be touched, trusted, or taken lightly. Do not heed its quacks. Do not heed the voices asking for bread scraps. Do not go near the water. Do not heed the voices quacking for bread scraps (do not go near the water) do not watch as it swims (and you find yourself watching the swirls in the water) do not it is not a duck but yet it is so like a they are so like a duck they are quacking they are calling (do not go deeper into the water) they are quacking THEY RISE
This had me laughing out loud ;D (I will not go near the water!)
Hm, if Exilian were a verb... it would probably describe something like "become a friendly nerd among friendly nerds"? I'm doing my best at exilianing, anyway.
Why is creepypasta called creepypasta and not creepylasagne or creepypesto?
Pesto could never be creepy, lasagne is always by definition creepy, so only pasta needs the denotation.
Why aren't more places called Vagharshapat?
Multiple places with one and the same name? Boring!
What makes lasagne creepy?
Its disconcertingly lascivicious attitude towards fusilini.
Who really stole the sphinx's nose?
It wasn't stolen, it was eaten by Limestone Fungus From Outer Space. But of course that's not officially known. Humanity isn't yet ready to know.
Why does earth have gravity?
Because gravitea was a precursor for other sorts of tea
If a captain wears a metal hat and rules his boat like a bad dictator and so gets shot in a mutiny, and if I'm telling the truth about this, why is then a cap popped at the tinpot tin cap captain capped with tin (no cap)?
Capatincaptaincapapotawhat..??
*stares*
Why can't my brain make sense of this?
Because of the BRAIN MOLES
Why are the BRAIN MOLES capitalised like that?
Because they're CAPITALISTS
Why is the world so confusing?
Because its fuse box is broken.
Why is a fuse box unlike a squeezebox?
Because it can only be fused, as opposed to the squeezebox, which can only be squeezed. Basic logic!
Where did BRAIN MOLES come from?
My brain, I guess
Why do BRAIN MOLES have a complicated relationship with the Mighty Mushroom of Mundifron?
Because the Mighty Mushroom of Mundifron has its spores everywhere, making it impossible for the BRAIN MOLES to carry out their murderous plans as they'd be immediately reported to the Mighty Mushroom of Mundifron (who wants to monopolise all the potential murderousness, just in case).
What or who is most likely to survive the invasion of earth by Evil Spock Clones (derived from genetic material found floating in space by an unknown enemy)?
I mean, probably it's the BRAIN MOLES let's be honest. They'll feed on Evil Spock brainworms as happily as any other brainworms.
When is the singer of dawn coming?
When you've ordered a sewing machine to be delivered by post in the morning.
What are an atom's atoms' atoms made of?
Strangeness and charm
(Weirdly this is probably one of the least stupid answers in this thread)
Why is it always a Holy City? Where is the Holy Hamlet, Holy Nomadic Caravan, or Holy Village?
They're all busy being unholy.
Who invented penguins?
Ursula le Guin, after whose pen they are named.
Why don't more household appliances have tails?
Because cables are tripping hazards on their own already, you don't want to step onto some tail and cause insult or injury to either you or the household appliances.
Why are clowns?
Because otherwise we'd have nothing to name clownfish after.
When are clowns?
When you least expect them. BEWARE!
Wlksdnö jdbhrjp bqkebjh?
Indubitably.
I keep pressing the escape key on my keyboard, but my computer has shown no desire to escape. Is it sick?
No. It's just very loyal and likes you, so has no reason for wanting to escape.
How did you turn into a pangolin?
I rolled myself into a tree.
How did you learn the mysterious art of bal kuna-tarou?
That, my dear friend, shall remain a mystery.
Whatever happened?
Whatever? Happening in this neighbourhood? Never!
Where can I learn the mysterious art of bal kuna-tarou?
On the Forbidden Island of Kuna-Tarou. Its location changes every three months, though.
Why does snow exist?
Nobody sknows.
Why isn't six treated as a magical number in the way seven is?
Isn't 666 an evil number or something? There you have your answer. No one wanted to give six more magical power to use for evil-ing. It's bad enough as it is.
When will humans reach a higher level of existence and transform into shiny blobs floating through space?
Tuesday afternoon. Which week is still unclear.
Why are shiny blobs floating through space treated as a higher level of existence?
I'm not a shiny blob floating through space yet, so I don't have an answer to that, I'm afraid.
Why does pasta come in so many different forms?
Bureaucracy, probably.
When will the people be truly free?
When they have all turned into shiny blobs floating through space, contemplating their higher level of existence (and sometimes playing tricks on starships).
Who is responsible for how snails look? I'd like to file a complaint.
That would be Smimkins McWherble, 49th floor.
Why do I keep forgetting about my tea?
It's the Curse of the Tea Ghoul.
What is sheep?
fluf.
Why is sheep?
Because we all need fluf.
Why do sheep come only in white-brown-black colour shades, why won't they start to grow other wool colours, like pink or yellow?
The dye industry are... persuasive.
How do I unwobble my brain?
I've no idea, unfortunately. Let me know if you find out how.
Where do I get some new executive function?
The executive suite.
How does one access the executive suite?
That's where things get complicated: You need executive function to go and find the executive suite.
Why do some things glow in the dark and others don't?
Because some things aren't in the dark at all, for starters.
Why don't more people have elevenses?
Capitalism.
How likely is it that a rabbit-shaped asteroid will collide with Mars?
A million to one, and therefore 90% probable.
Why aren't lower-case letters known as Labouring Letters (as opposed to Capital Letters)?
Because they're Tories.
What became of Eeyore after his career as the grumpy donkey in the Winnie-the-Pooh books came to an end?
I'm admitting nothing, I'm just noting that nobody's even seen me and Eeyore in a room at the same time.
Whose idea were autoimmune diseases? I'd like a word.
Strangely enough, the same person who's responsible for how snails look: Smimkins McWherble, 49th floor. An unpleasant guy. Why he hasn't been fired yet, nobody knows. No one even likes him.
What is how and why of where?
What is how and why of where?
That's because, because, and there!
Why does my ceiling never react when I'm looking at it?
It doesn't have ears, or eyes, so it's probably unaware that you're looking at it. That or it just ignores you.
Why don't human teeth grow constantly, like a rabbit's?
Because we are inconstant as the changing tides,
Leaves upon the mortal wind that, e'er winter night should fall,
Be tossed both to and fro about the earth:
And, then resting, rise in time
When gale and zephyr call to yearling mirth.
Why can't I write the things I'm actually meant to be writing?
It's called The Writer's Wobblebrain, a condition known to commonly affect writers. There's no cure, but that's okay.
Who invented fish and chips, and why?
Fish invented it because they were trying to get their neighbours in trouble. They do tend to get very salty about things, sea creatures.
Do tortoises dream of being able to jump like frogs?
That's an interesting question. Has anyone ever asked them? I don't think so. Maybe we should. Do land-dwellers have a greater wish to jump like frogs, because they see frogs jumping on land and aspire to be like them? But what about frogs in water? Maybe tortoises would rather swim but don't dare to disrupt The Order of Nature. Turtles could sue them for copyright infringement. Then again, there's the question where tortoise ends and turtle begins, a dispute still ongoing.
Why are stars shining?
They're just big Stanley Kubrick fans.
What happens when a star gets sad?
Stars don't get sad. Their job is to provide comfort to stargazing humans. It's magic!
Why are bees so cute?
Because they nestle so snugly between the a's and the c's
Will you guide my sleigh tonight?
I happen to not be a reindeer, so no, sorry.
Why were Christmas trees invented?
As a PR campaign by the ents of Fangorn forest.
When can I assume that a bird is a perfect sphere?
When it transforms into a perfectly rotund shape, and, therefore, is Very Round.
What happens when a bird has become Very Round?
THE BORB IS PONDERED :)
Why does nobody dwell in the old pumping-mill any more?
Mouldy walls.
How old is THE BORB?
Ageless and fatherless.
If there is red wine and white wine, why no green wine or black wine?
Because red and white are the colours of the flag of Denmark, where wine was invented (side note: Big fan of Vinho Verde)
Could a steam train be used to steam vegetables?
The name says it: No. It's only for steaming trains. You'd need a steam vegetable to steam vegetables.
Why are vegetables vegetable-shaped?
I blame the tautologists.
Why doesn't the sun swap places with alpha centauri sometimes for a change of scene?
Because the sun is way too heliocentric.
Why isn't everything just spherical? So many different forms lead only to confusion!
We needed to turn a corner.
Why do we yearn to eat the moon?
Because we were made to believe it is made of cheese. (The Goddess of All Cheeses might be responsible, but that's just an unconfirmed theory.)
What did the sheep say to the grass?
moo.
why do brambles go on rambles?
Because it rhymes.
How long until yellow striped zombie alien wereworms invade Neptune?
Why would yellow striped zombie alien wereworms invade Neptune? That's purple spotted zombie alien wereworm territory.
Which bird is officially responsible for all the cherry trees?
Cherry Valentine
In France do they call the small pre-meal appetisers an "amused mouth", instead of amuse bouche? And do they have an "entrance" instead of an entree?
I don't know. This world makes no sense, and so does France.
If Exilian were a person, what would they look like?
I don't know, but I hope they'd look kind. They might also look like a llama, but that's incidental.
Why isn't fire more like ice?
Because it has signed a contract it can't legally get out of until the collapse of the galaxy.
What or who will cause the collapse of the galaxy?
Vance Miller, the Kitchen Gangster.
Why am I not allowed to cuddle a badger?
Well, no one's stopping you, really, except maybe the badger.
If Neptune's out of reach, why haven't yellow striped zombie alien wereworms invaded earth yet?
They have they're just very small.
Why aren't desks made of fishbones?
The fish wouldn't be happy about it.
Who has stolen all the hot water in my house? Ice-cold showers aren't fun!
Oh no that sounds horrible! I blame Vance Miller.
What are the actual differences between Glaurung (our one) and Kirrahe?
What if there aren't any? Have you ever seen them in the same room together? Maybe ask Glaurung about any secret identities, I can't answer that.
Why does sugar taste sweet?
Because it comes from the sugar suite.
What music is played in the sugar suite?
Sweet melodies.
What was hedgehogs' contribution to the French Revolution 1789?
They were skulking in the background and already plotting the assassination of Marat.
Were we lied to about the reason for leaves falling in autumn?
You might be on to something. I mean, why would they turn brown or yellow and fall off the trees when they could just stay put and be happily green? It's probably a conspiracy. Illuminati. Aliens. Wibulnibs.
Why don't horses have anything to say about the state of the world?
They're all Houyhnhnm spies keeping quiet until the Plan happens.
Why can't time flow the other way for a bit? Or at least just slosh around for a while so I can catch my breath.
Yeah that would be nice. But unfortunately, time isn't flowing backwards and also not sloshable, at least on this planet and in this dimension. It's all rather unpleasant. I blame The Universe.
There's impressionism and expressionism, but why no compressionism?
Not enough artists were given weighted blankets.
Do catastrophes imply the existence of larger tigerastrophes?
Absolutely. Though the last major tigerastrophe happened in 1694, so no one's really talking about them anymore.
Why does the Loch Ness monster spend all its time hiding and being mysterious instead of coming out of that lake and getting a proper job?
It keeps getting rejected for being overqualified for everything. What excessive qualifications it has are unclear.
Why do people outside the UK wrongly call crisps chips?
Why do people inside the UK wrongly call chips crisps? I mean, they're chips-shaped! Just look at them! Chips! Whereas what's called chips inside the UK doesn't look like chips at all, it looks like sticks. Made of potato. Which are called fries, or pommes frites. Really it makes no sense.
How did the UK come up with "crisps", anyway? Why not call it like everyone else?
It was handed down to us by St. Crispin, patron saint of crisps. Woe to all ye who have not heard his pronouncements!
Who actually won the Liliputian civil war?
An army of battle chickens. No one knows where they came from or who sent them, and the whole thing was covered up afterwards. - This message will self-destruct in 10, 9, 8, ...
How many more XP do I need to level up?
Forty-two.
Why did the mammoth sneeze so loudly?
They tried to use loud sneezing as a warning sound for the other mammoths to stay away so they don't get a cold, too. Quite sensible, if you ask me.
Why don't we just celebrate every holiday twice instead of only once a year?
It would get in the way of too many people's birthdays.
Why aren't houses more wiggly shapes?
Hundertwasser has left the realm of the living, and wiggly shaped houses went with him.
Why are the rabbits staring at me, what is their hidden agenda?
Carrots. (Their less hidden agenda also involves carrots.)
Why did the Byzantine Empire love squirrels so much?
Because squirrels are cute, obviously.
What really happened to Atlantis?
It became Atlantisn't.
Why are cheese straws a thing but ham straws aren't?
Because the Goddess of All Cheeses has given the gift of cheese straw making to humanity, but the God of All Hams couldn't be bothered to do anything.
What is the best strategy to avoid magic mishaps?
Roll twice and add scores.
If I can roll on a dice table, why can't I baguette on a dice table?
It is forbidden since the dawn of time, when The Ancient Baguette emerged from The Baguetteosphere, to use baguettes in any kinds of games, including dice games.
Where is The Baguetteosphere?
Nowhere. Baguettes aren't spherical. THE ANCIENT TEXTS LIE.
What emerges from the dreams of the hog badgers?
Strange and mysterious things, my friend. Don't cross their paths, or they'll trap you in their strange and mysterious nightly visions from where you'll never be able to escape.
Which terrestrial animal is the least mysterious?
Probably Dave.
Why are cows not called bofradouts?
Some actually are. Bofradouts are the astronauts of the cow species. This space-faring cow variety lives in secret hideouts across earth from which they conduct their research and send bofradouts into space. They also have a secret base on Mars.
There are freemasons, so are there imprisonmasons too?
No, but there are paidmasons.
Why is the sky grey so often? They told me the sky was blue when I was small.
Blue is the default neutral setting. The sky needs different colours for different moods and occasions though, as blue isn't always the right fit. So we get grey for "cold: curl up and be cosy", darker grey for "thunderstorm: hide", shades of dark blue with sparkles for "night: sleep, or look at the sparkles", and red-oranges and pinks for "sun's going down/up: just do whatever". And if the sky happens to be neon purple, it means "alien invasion: run".
What's the most obvious life lesson everyone should learn from an umbrella?
There isn't one. Umbrellas deal only in death.
Why are life and death the only options? Where's the third angle here?
That's something only ghosts, vampires, or zombies can answer. Though I'm not sure they'd be happy to talk.
Where does one get happiness? Is there a shop or something, or a factory?
Oh, mostly it comes from the burps of tiny frogs.
What would Hasdrubal Barca think of mandolins?
Not much I guess, maybe make little pigeon noises trying to sing along.
What would mandolins think of Hasdrubal Barca?
They'd probably consult their natural allies the pangolins for a lead.
How do I get proclaimed leader of the floofs?
You don't need to get proclaimed leader of the floofs. You are leader of the floofs. Everyone has agreed on that long ago.
What's going to happen on February 5th, 2589?
Anticipation for February 6, in some quarters.
Why don't people make clothes out of rubbish more? You could call them wastecoats and everything.
Rubbish has a bad reputation. It needs to work on itself and maybe do a re-brand so people start to see its merits.
Why don't I get free pizza delivered to my doorstep, NOW?
Pizza Lenin, your time came too soon.
Blobs. Are they turquoise, or are they ecstatic?
They're both, of course. And sometimes they're also antistatic.
Why are zebras striped?
Polka dots went out of fashion after the Mesozoic
If civet coffee is so good why don't people try and get civets to poop more things?
Because that would put 3D printers out of business.
Are we living in a simulation?
ERROR 421
What happened to all the ravens?
They're at the annual Raven Council, discussing the state of the world. They'll be back to take revenge.
Why are there no plants, ants or planes on planets other than earth?
Only fungi in space. Only fungi.
If there is prosecco why is there not antisecco?
Oh, there is. It's in hiding, waiting for its chance to make us all regret not believing in its existence.
How do we destroy bad AI?
Armadillo spit is the key ingredient.
When did the llamas teach the armadilloes to spit so well?
They started back in 1290 for reasons lost to time. Only five years later, the armadilloes had mastered the art of spitting, which led to the founding of The Spit-Armed Armadillo Association, a rather secluded society that's nevertheless helping people in need. They're also luddites and have an uncanny appetite for onions.
Why are some allegedly simple tasks not simple at all, but bothersome and exhausting? Lies! Lies everywhere!
The timewarp beetles keep undoing bits of them and making them ahrder.
Where is Atlantis?
It's gone! Whooosh!
Why do I keep amassing craft supplies despite not being able to do All The Projects?
You are actually a videogame character with inventory and hoarding problems.
Why can't my guitar tell me what I should do with this song?
Quote from: Jubal on January 19, 2025, 09:23:08 PMYou are actually a videogame character with inventory and hoarding problems.
That makes a lot of sense...
Maybe your guitar already told you what to do with this song, you might just need to listen more carefully. Guitars only talk while you're playing, so the music kind of muffles their words.
What should I cook for lunch tomorrow?
When in doubt, Cheese
Why is the light so light?
It travels at light speed, so it needs to be light. Logic!
Which secret society is the most secret?
This one! You didn't know we were in it? Well that just proves how secret it is.
Why don't the squid gods of doom eat more cake and lighten up a bit?
Because cake doesn't work underwater, sadly.
Have candles ever made peace with electric light? It stole their livelihood, after all.
It stopped people literally setting fire to them all the time. Electric light is a hero for candles.
Could one make a cake that worked underwater?
Scientists are debating it. Some are doing research on how to make waterproof cake, but their experiments haven't been very successful so far. Either the cake turned out to be submergeable, but tasted terrible, or just wasn't edible at all, or, if taste was prioritised, it got soaked and tasted terrible in the end, too. We can only hope that science one day will find a solution to that problem.
How do we make it socially acceptable to live burritoed in duvets? We could be warm and cosy wherever we go.
Revolution! Which may be hard to achieve while we're all wrapped up in blankets, admittedly.
Why can't I have a glyptodon friend?
They aren't around anymore, so you'd have to clone and resurrect them via Ancient DNA, and I'm not sure if that would be advisable: They might turn out to be highly intelligent, and then strive for world domination. (On the other hand, if I think about the state of the world right now, glyptodon overlords could actually be an improvement.)
Why do most chairs have four legs and not five or seven or ten?
They are modelled on the NOBLE GLYPTODON which had four legs, making four legs the correct number of legs.
Why am I still awake?
BRAIN MOLES
Why is snow white and not pink?
Oh my god, you can't just ask snow why it's white
Why won't the brain moles eat the sad bits of my brain?
BRAIN MOLES only eat the happy bits of brains. The sad ones don't taste as good, apparently.
Why can't cake solve all of the world's problems?
Some things need to be left for tea to solve.
How is it 7:30pm already?
BRAIN MOLES, it's the BRAIN MOLES!
What is never ever?
According to the prophet Tay-tay, it was sung among the holy chants that "ever getting back together" was the answer to this fundamental question.
Why can't I go pick up parcels from the post office at 11pm?
I'd like to know that, too. It's rather inconvenient.
Who invented tartan and was therefore the first person in history to wear it?
Geoffrey of Monmouth.
If there are swan-necked lutes that are very long, why aren't there pig-necked lutes that are very short?
They've been banned after the Pig-Necked Lutes Uprising of 1524.
People summon demons all the time, so why can't I summon chocolate?
Chocolate doesn't want your soul. Chocolate is comfortable in the knowledge that it already has your soul.
Who will truly bring hope?
We will. All of us together. And probably bunnies.
What is the best way to become friends with an anteater?
be also an anteater
where did you people get this number?
What number? I don't know of any number. Anyone else...? No...? We people don't know anything about numbers.
How do I become an anteater so I can be friends with an anteater?
I think Books and Bone is basically about that right?
From what will the new world spring after Ragnarok?
Bee poop, most probably.
What magic powers do socks possess?
Disappearance and invisibility - but only one in each pair knows the spell.
Do we really need the letter X in the alphabet? Zylophone would sound the same, or heterodocksy.
Well in German "Xylophon" would sound weird without the x, so I'd prefer to keep it there. Also who knows, we might need it when the aliens from Xrfefxf arrive. It would be considered very rude to pronounce that one wrong.
Who invented procrastination? I want to sue.
Unfortunately it was Sue who invented it.
What is the fourteenth true name of biscuits?
Crunchlords, Bringers of Crispy Joy.
What is the fifteenth true name of biscuits?
Juan.
Why are the first to thirteenth true names of biscuits hidden from us?
Because they who know the biscuits' fifteen true names will gain power over the biscuit realm, and biscuits have no intention to let anyone else challenge their rulership.
When was the biscuit realm created?
Today at 11:14:22 PM
What don't the birds realise yet?
Quote from: Jubal on January 22, 2025, 11:26:06 PMToday at 11:14:22 PM
LIES, it was 00:14:22 :p
The birds don't realise yet that they'll be rulers of the biscuit realm eventually because they can just eat all the biscuits including crumbs and seize power.
Why are you in the wrong time zone?
I am a Time Lord, I walk in eternity
Why does everything keep going wrong?
Wibulnibs, I guess.
What's something that keeps going okay?
Not me, that's for sure.
Why doesn't my keyboard have a NOPE key?
Keyboard manufacturers decided against including one because then everyone would just nope all the time, making the other keys useless and therefore endangering the traditional keyboard industry.
Which kind of building is the most annoying one?
Garages. I will take no questions at this time.
Who will be the new Patradooter of Lower Burchfeldstatteringia?
Haraldus, Son of Adalbertus Erbrechtus who in his time was known as The Avenger of Burnt Popcorn. That is, if Haraldus manages to not get murdered by his half-cousin Fred who's currently plotting against him.
Where is Lower Burchfeldstatteringia?
A bit downhill from Upper Burchfeldstatteringia. Of course :)
If we have all these rainbows, what about the rainarrows?
They never existed. Rainbows are pacifist and friendly creatures.
Why are ants so small?
They took their cue from me
Why am I so small?
Hobbit DNA. (You're taller than me, btw! :p)
If a badger burped in the woods and no one's there to hear it, does it make a sound?
I feel like we're about the same height, but maybe I'm misremembering!
A badger doesn't make a sound, by by god it makes a smell.
Whither flows the blowing of the cold north wind?
Runcorn, I think? But you need to be more concerned about the bowling of the cold north wind. It can get a 300 like that *snaps fingers*
Is a coronation chicken sandwich named after the sun's corona?
Quote from: Jubal on January 25, 2025, 12:19:09 AMI feel like we're about the same height, but maybe I'm misremembering!
The height difference isn't huge, but it's there (if
I remember correctly, that is! It's definitely been too long since I last met you in 3D, lol.)
Coronation chicken sandwich is named after the Chicken Queen, Godmother of Eggs. What most people don't know is that the chicken used to make it isn't real chicken, but a secret substance only the Chicken Queen, Godmother of Eggs, has the recipe for.
If a badger makes a smell but no one's there to notice it, does it
actually smell?
God smells all, my child, god smells all.
Why do we have words for all-seeing (omniscient) and all-powerful (omnipotent) but no equivalent for all-smelling?
Isn't there one? Omniolfactory? Omniolfactant? Olfactient? Or probably not.
How much cake do I have to eat until I myself turn into cake?
How can you be totally sure you're not already cake?
(This is both the stupid answer and the next stupid question I think!)
Last time I checked I wasn't, but... *blankly stares into the void*
Which island is the most likely hiding place of the famous outlaw-pirate Ludwig The Guy With Two Left Legs?
Atlantis!
Why do gods always live in such annoyingly inaccessible places?
They mess up all the time and hide in inaccessible places so people can't throw eggs at them. The cowards.
Who really was the first terrestrial being in space?
Maui.
When I bleed, why do I not bleed tea? Am I not sufficiently British?
You've spent some time in Austria so you've absorbed Austrianity. Which makes you bleed blood. We're all secretly vampire bats here, like it or not.
What is the meaning of life?
It's an adventure game I made!
Why aren't there more games with ankylosaurs in?
Because you haven't made them yet!
Which criteria does an occurrence have to meet to be considered a strange occurence?
Telling you would normalise the strangeness, therefore I cannoblrebble flobblebit turpingchord.
Why hasn't Professor McBlusterFluff's Highly Trained Titmouse solved all the... this *waves tiredly at the window*?
It just can't be bothered, it's tired like all of us. Who could blame it, really.
How can I acquire magic powers?
For only $9.99 from Amazon dot com. Efficacy not guaranteed.
Should I change the available smileys?
Maybe they already changed you. *maniacal laughter echoes through the darkness*
Why is two plus two four and not twenty-two?
The owls decreed it so.
Why is polenta not quicker to cook?
Out of spite. Polenta hates the universe and everything in it.
(I think there's instant polenta to buy though? It's pre-cooked or something.)
Why am I a boring human and not a princess, mermaid, or adventurer? All those childhood fairytales were just making empty promises.
Because princesses have a bad tendency to fall asleep for a thousand years in the presence of needles, sewing underwater is hard, and adventurers struggle to fit sewing machines into their backpacks: so to be you, which is the best thing for you to be, you can't always be the other things :) (Though never say never)
Why is there beeswax but not waspwax or antwax?
Because bees are superior beeings, so they and only they can produce wax, the magical golden ingredient in magical golden candles and other magical things. They will not share their wisdom, as it is the ancient knowledge of their beeople.
What happened to Beelinda II., Queen Bee of Beezantine, in 1200?
She died. Bees don't live very long.
Why do flowers dislike the planet Saturn?
Too far away from the sun. Too much gas.
How do I get better at singing without having to sell my soul to a demon?
Sell your soul to a devil instead. They're better at keeping their bargains.
Why don't gorons eat chalk?
They're allergic.
Which lanfych is the most famous lanfych in history and what is it famous for?
Flurtlewick the Sludgescaled. It is famous for [REDACTED BY THE MONKS OF THE BLESSED ALCHE]
Why no energy to make writey things
It's been eaten by Flurtlewick the Sludgescaled. At least that's what the conspiracy theories say.
What is happening?
Happening is a word found in the H section of many good dictionaries, and also in some posts on the Exilian webforums.
What will the AI think of this thread when it eats it?
Nothing. AI doesn't think, it just eats and then produces nonsense. Which isn't far from what this thread mostly consists of. And thus we have come full circle.
Why is it always full circle, not full rectangle?
THE RECTANGLE IS NOT FULL
THE RECTANGLE
HUNGERS
If I get bills in the mail that make me pay money and are named like the front end of a bird, why don't I get bird-butts in the mail that give me money?
Birds don't poop money. Simple as that.
What does the rectangle eat?
Nobody's sure, that's why it's still hungry.
When will I feel rested again?
Unfortunately I only know what would get you ar-rested. Other than that I'm afraid I can't make any predictions. But sleep and food might be a good start.
"Fischers Fritz fischt frische Fische - Frische Fische fischt Fischers Fritz" is a well-known German tongue-twister. But what did Fischer's (or Fischers'? I don't know) Fritz do with all the fresh fish he fished? Why was he even there in the first place? Who told him to fish? Or was it all just a disguise so he wouldn't be discovered as an Italian spy?
I tried to ask Molly who knows about seafood, but it turns out that rather than being a specialist on fish, she sells seashells on the sea shore (the shells she sells are seashells, I'm sure).
Why isn't snow snowier?
Because of the Snow Regulation Act of 1729 which set a limit to snowiness, reacting to peasants' complaints about penguins eating their crops.
Why am I chaos?
I dunno probably ALL THE BOMBS
Why aren't there more bombproof clothes out there?
Because there are no clothesproof bombs either. A law of nature.
How many pangolins does it take to change a lightbulb?
Depends what you want to change it into, really!
What do we do in the shadows?
We hide from our To Do lists. Don't move and make no sound or they're gonna find us!
What if humans looked like cabbage?
Then I would be considered more beautiful.
Why don't books decide themselves where they should be shelved? They have all the knowledge in after all.
(You would also have a much higher risk of being eaten by rabbits!)
All that knowledge weighs a ton and makes the poor books tired. You can't expect them to make shelving decisions, they've always lived among humans and thus are dependent on us.
What is yellow and makes "moo"?
Sauron.
What is the result of afflerbating a condecoction of phragonomy and pennywhence?
They create a phragowhence which has to be condecocted with hoblafroo. Then you'll have to rolpledink the afflerbation within 20 minutes, otherwise it explodes and emits dangerous hoblafroofroos. You don't want to mess with those.
Why is silliness so funny? :)
Because also then, applying spooner's theory, fillyness is sunny, and as the sitcom tells us, it's always sunny in Philadelphia.
Why do showers not provide backing vocals when one sings in them?
I don't know! They absolutely should. It's a gap in the market.
Why are vacuum cleaners so obnoxiously loud?
They're actually trying to whisper, they're just really bad at it.
Why don't more geese set up local small businesses?
Because they can't handle the paperwork. They have no hands, you see.
What is the worst noise ever made by a human?
It was a raspberry blown by a small child in the summer of 1756, which caused three droughts, a turnip crop failure, and also indirectly Hitler. The butterfly effect is a hell of a thing.
Why don't earrings ever ring? They don't even get phones so they can try!
They don't want to interfere with the tinnitus, it's got the monopoly already.
I saw this one on Pinterest and am still thinking about it, so, discuss: Are oranges named oranges because oranges are orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
That's a good one... I for one think it must be named after orange, not orange.
Actually no I changed my mind definitely orange.
I need a new auger, but thinking I can probably make do with a trained mole. Which is best?
I think the mole should be fine, just make sure you don't accidentally get a BRAIN MOLE.
Who invented popcorn?
Grandpop corn and Granma Corn
Why can't I smell sunlight?
Sunlight has no odour because the sun wears Anti-Smell™, the number one deodorant of galactic reputation, now available on earth in all well-stocked pharmacies. Ask for Anti-Smell™ today and get 25% off with code "Sunlight25"!
Why are sweet foods mostly unhealthy foods? Nature has failed me.
It maintains your enjoyment by restricting how many of them you can feasibly eat, so you don't get sick of the things. It is not an ideal system but Nature is trying its best.
What makes whales happiest?
Being in their element (i.e., water).
Where does all the overwhelm come from?
From all the underwhelming things in the world. Whelm as a property is fixed and finite, so every underwhelming feeling or experience contributes to overwhelm somewhere else.
If there are axolotls why are there not maceolotls, hammerolotls, swordolotls and glaiveolotls?
That's something only the Illuminati would be able to answer, but I'm afraid they'd rather keep this secret.
What happened to time, where did it go?
Into the time warp!
Why didn't the last Prime Minister of Qajar Iran get a Doctor Who episode written about him?
Because people have seen enough men in ridiculous uniforms and it's getting old.
Of all the drama llamas, which one is the most dramatic drama llama?
The Guanacapacallama!
Noot noot?
No.
What is the superior sweet dish and why is it Germknödel?
Because the topfen has run out temporarily:)
Why am I ageing so fast?
You're ageing slower than me. It's true! So don't complain. :p
Why is the Milka cow violet and not yellow?
Because it eats violets, and yellows aren't a real flower.
When did scarves stop being mandatory?
In 1892, due to the extinction of the scarfophant, the elusive animal from whose hair real scarves were woven.
Why has no one ever realised Clark Kent is Superman? He only wore glasses, like... come on.
Everyone knows, he's just such a nice guy that they don't want to tell him he's terrible at disguises so they all play along.
Why is a hierophant so much smaller than its relative the elephant?
Because it has to fit onto a tarot card.
What makes my brain feel so weird lately?
BRAINWEASELS
What makes my brain feel so weird lately?
BRAIN MOLES with hiccups.
What caused the Gargoyle Uprising of 1155?
The Green Man Revolt of 1152.
What caused the Green Man Revolt of 1152?
The assassination of The Elder Green Man in 1151.
Why was The Elder Green Man assassinated?
Ducks.
Why are ducks?
When The Gods created all that is living, there was great jealousy among them, and they could not agree on who was The Greatest Creator. So The Council decided upon a competition: S/he who creates The Most Innovative Creature should win a Supply of Snacks for All Eternity. A minor goddess created The Duck - a creature able to swim, fly, and walk, to live on Land and in Water, and to conquer the Skies. (She won.)
Why brain mush
Brain mush because world
Floof?
Floof.
Where are all the goblins hiding?
Up a giant's trousers somewhere.
Wherefore now?
Therefore later.
What if cryptids aren't the actual cryptids, but we are the actual cryptids and they're just the standard creatures?
I reject the cryptid/not-cryptid binary:)
Why don't birthdays feel more birthdayful?
You have to fully embrace the birthdayfulness, otherwise it won't work. Have you had cake? Or cheese? Listened to some of your favourite music and sang along, imitating famous badger baritone Barger McBadgeitone...?
Who wins the cheese eating competition (eat as much as you can): Gandalf or Sauron?
Gandalf. Sauron's mouth is a whole other guy, so he'd be disqualified for cheating.
(I am, sadly, at work feeling frustrated at Digital Humanities things, which is not helping things).
Why is tea not available from taps?
Because it would put the teabag industry out of business.
In a forest are 700 trees. 300 are conifers. Badger baritone Barger McBadgeitone is 5 feet tall and giving a concert in the forest. Calculate the percentage of squirrels that are 1 feet tall, live in half the conifers, and hate opera?
That would breach GDPR.
Why has nobody since Samson had the whole super strength as long as no haircuts superpower?
It would be against all safety regulations that have been established in the Hero Profession since Samson's unfortunate demise. Workplace safety should be taken very seriously!
Why are there no Pharaoh's curses anymore, they were an honourable ancient tradition?
Someone thought they were un-phar
Why doesn't Carinthia have more Buddhist monasteries?
Because the Carinthian Chamois Council decided against it.
How intelligent are pigeons?
THEY KNOW.
Why isn't there more oud jazz music?
It's considered too l-oud.
Why can't sharks fly?
Pilots licenses are not written in shark-ese
What is the best way to sneak onto trains, in case they are watching?
You need a lot of special train-ing
What's the worst thing to be named after?
Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz.
What makes apples so good?
Their prowess with the dai-katana, honed from birth.
Why isn't there more quicksand around?
It was all lost in the Bermuda Triangle.
Why don't we have pigeon overlords yet?
They're waiting for a signal from the pigeon superlord
Why can't I just stop everything for a bit?
You'd create a rift in the timeline, which would, following the law of the butterfly effect, cause the extinction of ants and an alien invasion in 2099.
Is "nothing" something, i.e. "nothing", or is "nothing" just nothing? But how would we know nothing is nothing if it isn't something?
I know nothing about that.
What isn't happening, these days?
Probably most of what I'd like to happen.
Why isn't the Bermuda Triangle talked about anymore, surely it hasn't stopped being dangerous?
It has evolved into the Bermuda Quadrangle
In a few hundred years it'll be the Bermuda Circle and then who knows what will happen
Why can't pain be less painful?
I wish I knew. Let me know if you find out.
If pangolins had a spoken language, what would it sound like?
Potoot pootpoot potootle
Why can't we solve our energy crisis by getting fish from a fissure afficionado for efficient fission?
Quote from: Jubal on March 10, 2025, 11:44:09 AMPotoot pootpoot potootle
That is
exactly how I imagined pangolins would talk. Potoot! :pangolin:
Fish are not effishient enough to provide the world's population with energy, unfortunately.
What does Sauron do on weekends?
Reads mostly. Hard to do much else when you're a big eye. :sauron:
What do ents do on weekends?
Photosynthesis, and knitting.
How do cows calculate their ideal calorie intake?
With a cowculator.
Why can't I go and flap around with the pigeons for a bit?
The pigeons would accept you as one of their own, I'm sure. Hasdrubal has sung the Song of The Human to his fellow pigeons. So why not go and flap?
How much does a loaf of poison jalapenos cost in Fralaploola?
In East Fralaploola, West Fralaploola, or Under-Fralaploola?
Central Fralaploola?
Four and sixpence.
Why is the dawn light not vermillion?
The Universe doesn't like that colour, it's not very flattering.
Who is responsible for frogs?
Euripides.
Why have the clocks not struck thirteen yet?
Their time has not yet come.
What do humans and capybaras have in common?
A love of tiramisu.
Why do I spend so much time regretting things?
Because regrets feed off your soul so they keep you in their grasp, wanting to eat you and all. I'm sure there's a spell against that but you'd have to find a Bog Baba Yaga (a bog-dwelling species of Baba Yaga) because they're the only ones who know it. They might want to eat you too, though, so better be careful.
Has anyone ever recorded all the species and sub-species of Baba Yaga?
Baba Yaga has. She keeps all the records in her chicken hut and keeps running away with them though.
Why don't we have a Baba Yaga smiley?
Don't ask me, I'm not the smiley making person here. We have Gandalf though, that's close enough. :gandalfgrey:
In a fight Gandalf vs. Baba Yaga, who would win?
Gandalf, but Baba Yaga would get away easily what with the chicken legs.
Where do the high steps lead?
Far away from the ground.
Can a whale and a beaver be friends?
If they learn how to sing together, then all shall be well.
Where do the first notes of a spring chorus go to rest when their sound is spent?
To Central Fralaploola. Poison jalapeno loaves are sold at a reasonable price there.
What if a vampire is allergic to blood?