JOKES

[Cuddly Khan]

These are SOOO awsome/funny.

[Phoenixguard09]

One hydrogen atom says to another, "I think I lost an electron!"
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"I'M POSITIVE"

Necroposting ahoy!

Quoted for awesomeness.

Some Warhammer jokes for you all:

The teacher at the Schola Progenium set a task for her students as homework. "When you come back tomorrow, I want you all to recite a story your parents told you and tell us the moral." The next day, the kids are at school when the teacher says, "Ok, Corvus, tell me, what story did your parents tell you?" Corvus responds with, "Well my parents were grox-farmers. One time when we were taking the eggs to market, we placed them all in one box. The box fell out of the back of the truck and most of them smashed. The moral is not to put all your eggs in one basket." The teacher is impressed, "Well done Corvus, your turn Maximus." Maximus tells his tale. "My parents were grox-farmers as well. There was this one time (at band camp  ) when we had 20 eggs but only 12 of them hatched. The moral of teh story is not to count all your eggs before they hatch." The teacher is impressed once again, "Well done Maximus. Your turn Johnny."
Little Johnny stood up and began to tell the story his father told him. "Well my uncle Bob was a Space Marine in the 3rd War for Armageddon. This one time, his Thunderhawk was flying over enemy territory when it came under fire and began to crash. All Uncle Bob had with him was a Boltgun, a Chainsword and a bottle of Fenrisian Ale. Knowing that he was going to crash, he skulled the ale as quickly as possible. When the Thunderhawk hit the ground he found that he was surrounded by 1000 Orcs. So he fired his Boltgun, killing 60 of them before he ran out of shells. Then he took the Chainsword and killed another 30 before the blade broke so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
The teacher was horrified, "God-Emperor, what's the moral of such a horrific story!?"
Little Johnny answered immediately. "Don't piss off Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

Q. How many Slaaneshi Cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two of course, but how they got in there is anyone's guess.

Q. What do you call a lasgun with a laser sight?
A. Twin Linked.

A Dark Angel, Blood Angel, and Space Wolf all walk into a bar. Each
one of them orders a drink. The bartender brings them four beers. The Dark Angel looks at his beer and realizes there's a fly in it. He begins to moan about how he is being punished by the Emperor and leaves the bar in shame, pulling his monk's robe around him tighter. Just then the Blood Angel looks down at his tankard.
"What's this?!" he shouts, "There's a fly in my beer?!?!"
He then proceeds to destroy half the bar in bloodthirsty rage (and ruins any chances of getting with the Sisters at table 3).
Finally the Space Wolf looks down at his beer and notices there's a fly in
his beer too! He magnifies the reception on his bionic eye he sees the little Tyranid wannabe taking a sip of his pint.
"Oh, no you don't laddie!" he growls as he grabs the tiny insect. "Spit
it out, spit it out!!!"

Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:
"We're outta ammo?"
"CHARGE!!!""
Khorne Beserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"
"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"
"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"
"Welcome to the Cata- PRIVATE!!!! THERE'S A WRINKLE IN YOUR BANDANA!!!! IRON IT OUT, THEN GIVE ME 500 LAPS AROUND THE BASE!!"
"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"
"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"
"Fix bayonets!"
"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
"We missed our shooting phase?"
"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside.
"Colonel: "We're gonna die! We should all flee!"
Commissar: "Just this once, I agree with you!""
"Extermina-what?"
"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"
"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"
"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"
"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates...""Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"
"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"
"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a
club, and it still...uh oh."
"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"
"What do you mean that the sisters of battle have taken a vow of chasity?"
Comanding officer: How did you guys find basic training? Hard? Unlucky, i had a blast flicking spitballs at Colonal J. Tightass during our survival Techneques lessons!
Theres a wraithlord on the board...
Sir, the necrons are here, they have a monolith, and we only have 30 lascannons.
Welcome recruit, we you be sharing bunks with Private R. Sole
Comrade: Aww look, a cute doggy.
You: That aint no doggy, thats a hormagaunt!
So whats with these Torches? What do you mean there guns?!
Radio of Colonal:
Careful of the mine feild, the Co-ords are *Crackly Radio interuption*
BANG!!!
"Why is my gun just a cardboard mock up?"
"I cant get in that chimera, its already on fire!"
"What do you mean take cover behind the bodies of the 423rd? We're the 423rd?"
"So what does this artillery locator beacon do?"
"When our moto says "Nobody walks away" Does it refer to them or us?"
"How can 9 minutes be an intensive training course?"
"You want me to put on this flak jacket? But theres a hole in it, and the hole is stained with blood!"
"When you say that the 422nd brought us fresh supplies of food, did you mean the 422nd were our fresh supply of food?"
"Genestealers?"
"Holy poo! these really are flashlights!"
"Hey, we have the same Inititive as the Salamanders, we can beat 'em!"
"Flashlight..Warmer..Cigarette lighter...Stun...Hey!..Where's the kill setting on this Lasgun??"
"Why are they giving out Oven Mits with those Plasma guns?.."
"Join the army they say, see the many worlds they say, I'd rather be working in the kitchen than earning my pay shining lights at Khorne Berserkers.."
"Why can't we fire before the artillery?..We are the Elites damn'it, we are the glory boys, the ones who get the spiffy targeters.."
"Hey..Isn't that OUR Leman Russ?..Then why does it have that funny star on the front?"
-"Forget THIS! *sound of las-pistol hitting the ground* Come on guys! FOR KHORN!"
Or better... *Sound of a liqour bottle being opened* "For Slannesh!"
Or maybe even... Sound of projectile vomiting "FOR NURGLE!"
Aha! Get that spotlight over on them, if our flashlights can kill, then it must be a template weapon!!!
"What does 'victory' mean?"
"Stop shining that thing at me!"
"Why's the plasma gun on..there aren't any ene-"
"So,you say your from the eye huh...nice powerfist,whats that growing on your neck?"
"Theres good news and bad news,the good news is we're going to war,the bad news is,we're the only ones going and we don't get any more supplies"
"Hey look! The Eldar are using girls! *much laughter* "HEY stop screaming in my ear!"
Plaque on a Lasgun: "Warning, can trigger epilepsy"
'Warning: Do not look down barrel of Lasgun, may cause eye damage'
"Sweet, that one Terminator only has a scythe. It says something, Man...something. Eh, he's headed this way, he'll be an easy kill."
"Dude, check out that one guy. His whole head is bald except for that really long top knot on top. He's a poser I bet."
"Hey, the Commisar said it was only going to be a bug hunt. How big can they get?"
"Dude, all we have to do is hold out till they transmit the codes to viral bomb the enemy!"
"Hey, I've been reassigned to Catachan? Anyone know where that is or what it's like?"
"Cool, I've been reassigned to fight with Fleet Leviathan. I've always wanted to see how the navy fights."
"Why's the forest moving?"
"Dear mom, it's very boring here. All I do is guard an archeaological team on this dead moon. Neat ruins but there's nothing to do, hold on a minute, somebody is yellin for me...."
"We're surrounded on all sides. This simplifies our problem. CHARGE!"
"Well our orders are in, we are to participate in Operation: Let them Tire Out Butchering the Guardsmen."
"Note to Jimmy R. Fielklestien: Quit praying to me, I dont care if you make it home to see your family. Personaly I enjoy watching you guys get annihilated. No, I will not be there to help you in the moment of truth. If you want help, talk to abbadon, he's much nicer than you'd think. Screw You; The God-Emperor of Humanity Bob Smith."
"The meaning of life is, your born, you join the guard, you die with 4000 other useless dweebs who couldm't make the adeptus astartes."
"What do ya mean we all have to start in reserve?"
"Did you say cityfight with khorne/nids/BAs/SW/DE/Orks...."
"Make an armour save?"
"Nightfight and no searchlights modeled?"
"Kroot can screen those crisis suits with rail guns?"
"Your unit has 2 flamers in it?"
"Take and hold?"
"What do you mean the comissar is falling back?"
"Auspex? What are the chances he has lictors..."
"Ok, we're supposed to advance under cover of the tanks.....wait, what do you mean? The tanks can't fire if they move? And they're supposed to be covering US?"
Commissar: "Welcome to your new warzone....you can rest when you've taken those trenches over there." (Commissar points at a dim line of brown about 20 miles away) "We start here. Good luck, and I'll see you when you get back."
"They're only Tau....we can shoot better than they can!"
"Ah, yes. Hive battles are FUN....."
"Whadda ya mean, those Orks have a basilisk? Isn't that one of OUR tanks? Oh, it is.....so why are they using it?"
"I've been assigned to the 13th Legion? Hey, they've got a great reputation.....Wait, isn't that a PENAL Legion?"
"Sir, the Grey Knights have just run past us screaming. Awaiting orders."

[Cuddly Khan]

...No offense but I didn't laugh once reading all this.

[Phoenixguard09]

Not my problem. I posted the jokes, I didn't say they were any good.

Now post a joke.

[Captain Carthage]

I'm going to Hell for this but, how many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler

LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!!!

[Cuddly Khan]

These weren't my jokes:

Spoiler

PRODUCT WARNING LABELS FOR STUPID PEOPLE

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".
On a bottle of children cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Doritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
In an information booklet: "Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet".
On a bottle of shampoo for dogs: "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish".
On a curling iron: "For external use only!"
On a curling iron: "Warning: This product can burn eyes".
On a hair dryer: "Do not use in shower".
On a hand-held massaging device: "Do not use while sleeping or unconscious".
On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket: "Do not place this product into any electronic equipment".
On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking".
On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover".
On an electric rotary tool: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill".
On a container of deodorant: "Caution: Do not spray in eyes".
On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard: "Do not drive with sunshield in place".
On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn: "Caution: This is not a safety protective device".
On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter: "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks".
On a battery: See a scanned image: "Battery may explore or leak".
On a toner cartridge for a laser printer: "Do not eat toner".
On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow: "Not intended for highway use".
On a Holmes bathroom heater: "This product is not to be used in bathrooms".
On a can of self-defence pepper spray: "May irritate eyes".
On a novelty rock garden set called 'Popcorn Rock': "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth".
On a Domino's Pizza box: "Caution! Contents hot!"
On a coffee cup: "Caution: Hot beverages are hot!"
On a product called 'Rubber Band Shooter': "Caution: Shoots rubber bands".
On a Frisbee: "Warning: May contain small parts".
On a toilet bowl cleaning brush: "Do not use orally".
On a butcher knife: "Please keep out of children".
On a birthday card for a 1 year old: "Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less".
On a battery: "Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use".
In the manual for a heated seat cushion: "Warning: Do not use on eyes".
On a laser pointer: "Do not look into laser with remaining eye".
In the manual for a microwave oven: "Do not use for drying pets".
On an electric cattle prod: "For use on animals only".
On a can of air freshener: "For use by trained personnel only".
On a can of air freshener: "Keep out of reach of children and teenagers".
On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror: "Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you".
In the manual for a jet ski: "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft".
A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm: "Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death".
On a package of silly putty: "Do not use as ear plugs".
On the packaging of a sharpening stone: "Warning: knives are sharp!"
On a pack of Breath Savers: "Not for weight control".
On the label of a bottled drink: "Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth".
On a milk crate: "Theft of this container is a crime".
On a tube of deodorant: "Do not use intimately".
On a box of rat poison: "Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice".
On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid: "Cannot be made non-poisonous".
On a portable stroller: "Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage".
On the dash board of a mail truck: "Look before driving".
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
On a string of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
On a child sized Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a sign at a railroad station: "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted".
On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets: "Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems".
On a lighter: "Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame".
On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy: "Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball".
On a package of dice: "Not for human consumption".
On a shipment of hammers: "May be harmful if swallowed".
From a manual for an SGI computer: "Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers".
On a package of peanuts: "Warning: May contain nuts".
On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the Styrofoam packing: "Do not eat".
On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds: "Access hole only. Not intended for use in lifting box".
Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle: "Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death".
In the instructions for an electric thermometer: "Do not use orally after using rectally".
On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain: "Turn off motor before using this product".
On a box of bottle rockets: "Do not put in mouth".
On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack: "Remove wrapper before eating".
On a remote control for a TV: "Not dishwasher safe".
On the box for a car jack: "For lifting purposes only".
On the instructions for a cordless phone: "Do not put lit candles on phone".

Hope you liked them.

[eaglebread]

My sister's star sign was cancer and its quite ironic how she died

Spoiler

She was attacked by a giant crab

[Cuddly Khan]

Hi Eaglebread. How big was the crab? Giant Mudcrab size?

[eaglebread]

Actually giant, giant mudcrab sized