Author Topic: *EMPIRE*: A Warhammer Fantasy Script-fic.  (Read 3069 times)

Phoenixguard09

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*EMPIRE*: A Warhammer Fantasy Script-fic.
« on: May 31, 2011, 12:22:16 AM »
I just posted this on Warseer yesterday and thought that you guys might get a small amount of enjoyment out of it. :P

*EMPIRE*

Remember, this whole piece is said in dodgy German accents.  Quite like Hitler from Inglourious Basterds.  Snorting crack. 

Karl Franz, Kurt Helborg, Valten, Thyrus Gormann and Ludwig Schwarzhelm are standing around the strategy table, contemplating the upcoming battle against the orcs of Waaagh! Azhag. 


Karl Franz, Defender of the Weak, Emperor of Mankind, and All-Time Champion of Epic and Win: “Damn I have a big title.”

Valten, The Miffed at Having Such a Short Name: “Sure, rub it in.”

I will.

Kurt Helborg, Grand-Master of the Suspiciously German Reiksguard: “I know it’s rare for something based on a Games Workshop world to get to the point, or, Sigmar forbid, actually have a point at all, but I don’t suppose we could actually stay on topic here.”

Karl: Snorts petulantly, somewhat like a 5 year old Nazi with a big golden hammer, if such a thing can be imagined. “Fine if we have to.”

Kurt: “Thank you my lord.  Ludders, if you will?”

Ludwig Schwarzhelm, he who’s Nickname Reminds Others of Bovine Appendages: “By Sigmar, if you call me that again Kurt, you can shove the lances of your entire bloody order up your a-“

Keep it clean guys.  There are children reading.

Ludwig: “My apologies, most excellent narrator.  In fact I’m held in awe of your startling good looks.”

A little flattery goes a long way.  Coincidentally, did I tell you that Ludwig Schwarzhelm is my favourite Empire character now? What? I’m insecure. 

Ludwig: “Anyway, now that I am in the good graces of our most esteemed narrator, I shall continue with the battle plan.  Basically, we hurt them.”

Silence ensues over the next few minutes. Finally:

Kurt: “Our book states you are one of our greatest tacticians, and that is what you come up with.”

Ludwig: Looks blank for a few seconds before his face suddenly clears. “Yep.”

Thyrus Gormann, The Often Overlooked Wizard Lord from Before That Bastard Gelt: “Even I, as a man who has never even been interested in the slightest as to the intimate and complicated workings of the Imperial Army, can’t help but think that your plan is a little to, well, simplistic.”

Ludwig: “Well, I’d like to see any of you come up with a better plan than that!  Do any of you disagree with the principal behind the plan?”

Furious conversation erupts around the room before they all concede that no, no one is actually against hurting the orcs, and what’s more, no, no one can in fact come up with a way in which to carry it out. 

Karl: “Hey, Thyrus, weren’t you, well, beaten? By an emo kid? Shouldn't you be off somewhere, you know, plotting, like all those other stereotypical has-been wizards?”

Thyrus: “No.”

Ludwig: “Are you sure, I remember reading that story...”

Thyrus: “Don’t say anything.” In an undertone. “Bloody Gelt.”

Karl: “Men, today we face a foe we know too well.  It’s face has been seen on the front cover of many a Games Workshop promotional product.  The amount of coverage they get, it makes me sick, but no matter!  We are men of the Empire of Man.  Bit redundant, isn’t it?  So I say to you, although they may rend you limb from limb, eat you, defecate on you, pummel you, grind your bones into dust, feed you in pieces to their porcine steeds, shove you down the pants of an oversized git, vomit on you, tear your appendages off and otherwise defile your body and or mind, we have our plan. And it is a great plan.  Because I said it is. And Graham McNeill said I am actually a rather great tactician.  I’d like to believe him.”

Kurt: “Oh Sigmar, so would I...”

Karl: “So men, I have but one thing left to say.  It’s Hammertime.”

Thyrus: Looking on in disdain. “So what, the orcs can’t touch this?”

*EMPIRE*

The next chapter will be up...whenever I get around to it.

Next time on *EMPIRE*
Azhag: "I WILL BE EMPEROR!" 
Unimportant Goblin: "Do you always speak in capitals?"
Yes I am! Assholefaceman!
By the power of Ga'haarr I command you to vanish! VANISH!
I CANNOT BE KILLED BUT WITH FIRE!
(\__/)
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Jubal

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Re: *EMPIRE*: A Warhammer Fantasy Script-fic.
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2011, 11:19:21 AM »
We should TOTALLY voice-act this at some point.  ;D
The duke, the wanderer, the philosopher, the mariner, the warrior, the strategist, the storyteller, the wizard, the wayfarer...

Gen_Glory

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Re: *EMPIRE*: A Warhammer Fantasy Script-fic.
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2011, 12:29:22 PM »
YES!
Tis but a scratch...


Captain Carthage

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Re: *EMPIRE*: A Warhammer Fantasy Script-fic.
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2011, 10:11:27 PM »
Dam if only I had a means to record such a thing.
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Gen_Glory

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Re: *EMPIRE*: A Warhammer Fantasy Script-fic.
« Reply #4 on: June 01, 2011, 09:37:00 AM »
download audacity, its free and if you have a mic works brilliantly
Tis but a scratch...


Duke Dev

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Re: *EMPIRE*: A Warhammer Fantasy Script-fic.
« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2011, 11:33:54 AM »
Finally Karl Franz has a flaw
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Phoenixguard09

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Re: *EMPIRE*: A Warhammer Fantasy Script-fic.
« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2011, 11:39:30 PM »
Watch out Dev, Silver Wolf'll hurt you. ;)

Oh, hey Jubal, would you want to put this in as a periodical to Call to Arms?  Might be helpful for me to get published.  Even if it unofficially. :)
« Last Edit: June 02, 2011, 12:51:11 AM by phoenixguard09 »
Yes I am! Assholefaceman!
By the power of Ga'haarr I command you to vanish! VANISH!
I CANNOT BE KILLED BUT WITH FIRE!
(\__/)
(='.'=) This is Bunny. Copy and paste bunny into your
(")_(") signature to help him gain world domination

Crazier than a crack-head cat and here to make sticky treats out of your vital organs.
FEAR ME AND MY INDISCRIMINATE BAN-HAMMER, HORRIBLE EYESIGHT AND TOTAL DISREGARD FOR INTERNET RIGHTS!

Phoenixguard09

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Re: *EMPIRE*: A Warhammer Fantasy Script-fic.
« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2011, 12:30:20 AM »
Thanks all of you  Here is Chapter 2.  I am thinking I'll put quotes at the start of each chapter, a la Lastie.  Let me know what you think.

*EMPIRE*

“When I was but two drumsticks and a pair of wings, my father said to me, “Kairos, I want you to grow up to be just like me.” Well dad, you got your wish.  I’m old, I’m grumpy and I can’t see what’s going on in front of me.”
-   Kairos Fateweaver

Azhag, Skarsnik, Borgut Facebeater and several other important greenskins are crowded around the crude approximation of a strategy table that they have managed to put together in Azhag’s tent.  Tent may not really be the best term for the massive, rotting piece of hide of unknown providence supported by some large sticks.  The “tent” is in a perpetual state of near-destruction leaving no one with any real faith in greenskin engineering abilities.  

Azhag, the Slaughterer, He of the Large Melon: “I SHALL BE A STEREOTYPICAL ORC! WAAAAAAAGH!!!  WAS THAT BETTER!?  AM I ORCY ENOUGH YET!?”

Borgut Facebeater: “You do realise that it is simply an act? We only talk like that around people who don’t know us.”

Azhag: “AZHAG WANT TO SMASH!”

Skarsnik, Sneaky Goblin Lord of the Sneaky Goblins of Sneaky Peak: “Wait, isn’t he supposed to the smart one?”

Meanwhile Azhag is thoroughly enjoying running around chasing small butterflies with a scimitar the size of barn door.

Azhag: “WANT TO SMASH!”

After witnessing further acts of depraved, admittedly orcish stupidity, it is decided to just leave the towering orc warlord to his own devices for a while.  After all, it’s not like anything has the ability to hurt him anyway.

Skarsnik: “So, should we start looking at this plan?”

Borgut: “Good thinking.  Hmm, do you think that contingency plan 5/b, sub-clause alpha should stipulate the movement of the trolls so strictly?”

Skarsnik: “Best if we give them really simple orders.  It really is much better to tell them exactly what we want them to do, rather than have to rely on them having any small shred of initiative themselves.”

Borgut: “Really that stupid are they?”

Skarsnik: “Unless they somehow borrow intelligence from the general.”

Borgut: “I know someone else I wish could do that occasionally.”

Jerks head in the general direction of Azhag who has grown bored with chasing butterflies and is now enjoying a quick game of Catch the Bladed Instrument With Your Foot.  His drawn out howls of pain indicate that he seems to be winning.

Skarsnik: “Isn’t he an intelligent Orc General?”

Borgut: “For an Orc, trust me, that is intelligent.”

Azhag: “I HAVE DECIDED! I HAVE A GREAT...”

Silence ensues for several minutes before a random Goblin timidly pipes up.

Random Goblin: “Yes?”

Azhag: “PLAN!  IT IS MY PLAN!  IT IS MY GREAT PLAN!  AND IT IS GREAT!  AND MINE!  AND GREAT!”

Skarsnik: In an undertone. “He really does go on, doesn’t he?”

Azhag: “AND GREAT!  AND MINE!”

Insignificant Goblin: “My lord will you please get to the point?”

Azhag roars in rage and two large purplish hands burst from his eye-sockets, throttling the Insignificant Goblin, (Not the Random Goblin, nor the Unimportant Goblin.) leaving a mangled green corpse on the ground.

Azhag: “I WILL BE THE EMPEROR!”

Unimportant Goblin: “Do you always speak in capitals?”

Azhag: “OF COURSE I DO! IT IS ORCISH, IS IT NOT?”

Unimportant Goblin: “You do realise it’s all an act right?”

Azhag: “NO I AM ORCY!  WAAAAAAGH!”

*EMPIRE*

Next time on *EMPIRE*
Brother Gunther: "What-"
Kairos: "In the name of Sigmar? I knew you'd say that!"
« Last Edit: June 02, 2011, 01:51:45 AM by phoenixguard09 »
Yes I am! Assholefaceman!
By the power of Ga'haarr I command you to vanish! VANISH!
I CANNOT BE KILLED BUT WITH FIRE!
(\__/)
(='.'=) This is Bunny. Copy and paste bunny into your
(")_(") signature to help him gain world domination

Crazier than a crack-head cat and here to make sticky treats out of your vital organs.
FEAR ME AND MY INDISCRIMINATE BAN-HAMMER, HORRIBLE EYESIGHT AND TOTAL DISREGARD FOR INTERNET RIGHTS!

Captain Carthage

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Re: *EMPIRE*: A Warhammer Fantasy Script-fic.
« Reply #8 on: June 02, 2011, 11:18:44 AM »
I love this; it makes me smile and laugh.

Also was I the only one who sang Kairos thing at the start.
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Phoenixguard09

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Re: *EMPIRE*: A Warhammer Fantasy Script-fic.
« Reply #9 on: June 03, 2011, 12:57:29 AM »
Bloody hell, I only just realised that the Kairos thing ended with me at every pause.  Woops. :D  Oh well, yes go ahead guys. SING IT!!! :)

And thanks NightAngel, a true believer you are. ;)
Yes I am! Assholefaceman!
By the power of Ga'haarr I command you to vanish! VANISH!
I CANNOT BE KILLED BUT WITH FIRE!
(\__/)
(='.'=) This is Bunny. Copy and paste bunny into your
(")_(") signature to help him gain world domination

Crazier than a crack-head cat and here to make sticky treats out of your vital organs.
FEAR ME AND MY INDISCRIMINATE BAN-HAMMER, HORRIBLE EYESIGHT AND TOTAL DISREGARD FOR INTERNET RIGHTS!

Phoenixguard09

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Re: *EMPIRE*: A Warhammer Fantasy Script-fic.
« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2011, 02:05:00 PM »
By the way, if you guys want to continue reading this, a nugget of EMPIRE goodness is available on A Call to Arms every month.

http://s1.zetaboards.com/A_Call_to_Arms/forum/1686831/

A link to the current issue for anyone who is interested.
Yes I am! Assholefaceman!
By the power of Ga'haarr I command you to vanish! VANISH!
I CANNOT BE KILLED BUT WITH FIRE!
(\__/)
(='.'=) This is Bunny. Copy and paste bunny into your
(")_(") signature to help him gain world domination

Crazier than a crack-head cat and here to make sticky treats out of your vital organs.
FEAR ME AND MY INDISCRIMINATE BAN-HAMMER, HORRIBLE EYESIGHT AND TOTAL DISREGARD FOR INTERNET RIGHTS!