Breaking News!

[DeepCandle Games]

First say Breaking News! and issue a spontaneous news alert based on the topic the person above you gives. Proceed to set a random topic for the next anchorman/woman!

example:
Breaking news! Land sharks are actually land with shark parts and not the other way around!

On other news... Ferris wheels!

[Jubal]

Breaking News! Ferris wheels everywhere have been breaking away from their moorings and all rolling towards a central point. Scientists are speculating that this may be their very rare mating season, which has come as welcome news to prospective funfair owners though other citizens are said to be "concerned" at the prospect of getting crushed under a giant metal wheel. The government has issued a statement appealing to people to remain calm and pointing out that it can't really be any worse than they were planning to do to people anyway.

In other news... Exilian!

[DeepCandle Games]

Breaking News! Exilian has been hiding Its wealth for centuries, and now has a vast amount of treasures and priceless antiques, along with several fancy mansions!

Jubal, the current inheritor of the will of the late, great Exilious III will be launching a dig site right after the traditional Exilian celebrations!

In other news... space monkeys!

[Jubal]

Breaking news! Professor Albrecht Von Stalheim of Nuln believes that he has conclusively proven that space monkeys "do not and cannot" exist. Questions have arisen about his work, however, with the publication still in progress and the professor himself apparently incommunicado. He was last seen going into his laboratory; nearby residents have reported a strange smell of burned bananas and an increase in UFO sightings in the area.

In other news, the International Tea Federation...

[Cuddly Khan]

Breaking news! The ITF (Internation Tea Federation) has been accused of succumbing to Ice Tea. They, however, deny the fact fervently, saying that the claims are "outrageous lies", but there is a substantial amount of evidence supporting these claims. It is unknown whether the Ice Tea Confederacy will be pressing charges. Everyone is unsure if this will eventually go to court, but either way, the ITF has found themselves in a sticky situation.

In other news, APOCALYPSE!!

[Jubal]

Breaking News! The apocalypse has gone into recievership after being unable to meet its major financial obligations. The company's spokesman, Pestilence, cited major new competitors in the world of imminent doom, noting that the Trump Organization had made several major moves that saw them better placed than the Apocalypse for future destructive potential, but also blaming imports of cheap nationalism flooding the European and American markets thanks to Russia's subsidy on the industry. It is thought that the organisation may be split up, with Famine likely to be wound down but several major buyers expressing interest in Death, which expanded its section business considerably in 2016.

In other news, highland cows

[DeepCandle Games]

BREAKING NEWS, Highland cows are now stronger than ever as their children reach muscular feats that the finest of humanity could only dream of, putting us to shame in all of the olympics. It is being considered that these super cows were the beefy studs which Hitler was always striving to produce and confused their supremacy with that of the Aryan race!

These connections are being made all over the world as Highland Cows produce the evil technology that nazi scientists worked years on! This includes Death Rays, Time Machines, Stars of death (tested a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away to avoid consequences), flying saucers, swimming beakers, Armed tanks with interdimensional ammunition, jumbo jumbo jet planes, FTL space travel, The 37 keys of Tzeentch, The thousand whispers of slaanesh, The 12 plagues of nurgle, and last but not least the great axe of khorne!

In other news, SCIENCE HAS GONE TOO FAR

[Jubal]

BREAKING NEWS, "science has gone too far" say respected group of senior cavemen on the news that boffins have discovered a new technology called "fire". Fire, according to its creators, has the potential for huge changes to the way society runs, even potentially including allowing heat and light to happen after the sun goes down or being used to make meat easier to eat. Today caveman leaders have expressed concern, though, that fire may be dangerous, producing fumes harmful to human health and potentially being used as an offensive weapon. It seems that the boffins may have taken one step too far this time, with the new discovery being slammed by Ung the Unclean as "unnecessary and wasteful" and suggesting that ordinary cave dwellers have had quite enough of so-called "experts" telling them how to run their lives when they know perfectly well how to hit things repeatedly with a rock.

In other news, New Zealand...

[Tusky]

Breaking news! New Zealand renamed to "Zealand" after committee agrees that the country has ceased to be new.

Nearby neighbours new south wales have withdrawn their bid to be renamed South Wales, after south wales failed in their bid to be renamed old south wales. New York, New Hampshire and New Orleans amongst a number of other cities all have similar open petitions. Many have met the news of Zealand's successful bid with bitterness and even anger. One New Yorker described the person responsible for the change as a "putz" before reminding a taxi that he was walking there.

In other news: A torrent of baked beans

[Jubal]

BREAKING NEWS, a torrent of baked beans has made history as being the first foodstuff to be illegally downloaded from the internet. BitTorrent, which will now be renamed BiteTorrent, is very excited by the new move, which was inspired by government anti-download ads starting with "YOU WOULDN'T DOWNLOAD BACON" to which a ton of people responded "yes, yes we would".

"And then we did and like suddenly BAKED BEANS" said an excited computer hacker. "BAKED BEANS MAN. And they just like spurted out the USB ports and everything. Totally blew out the hard drive but we're working on a tomato sauce proof hardware model. This is the future now."

Future plans for BiteTorrent include downloadable jam, chili sauce, and, controversially, hawaiian pizza.

In other news, a controversial cow farm...

[Tusky]

A controversial cow farm has finally ceased it's failed attempts to create blue cheese by having the dairy cows eat blue grass.

Usually, blue cheese is created by adding certain moulds to certain cheeses. The new method, pioneered by Farmer Pennywrinkle, uses grass that appears blue since it has been watered with blue food colouring. It has caused controversy because the cows began to start to grow blue fur.
Ruth Radish, a local personality was most outspoken about the attempts, describing the endeavour as "monstrous", adding that "[the cows] are animals with dignity, not ruddy Smurfs".
Since the cheese the cows produced did not actually end up being any different, Farmer Pennywrinkle has given up trying to make blue cheese. We caught up to him outside his farm for comment:
"I'm not going to listen to that [redacted slur against Mrs. Radish], she clearly cannot appreciate my brilliant ideas. I think [the cows] look pretty cool anyway. I might not have made a blue cheese but I've got loads of other great ideas. For example, I've come up with a revolutionary idea about babybel cheeses, and it's going to be huge!"
He was unwilling to comment further, returning to his farm with a wheelbarrow full of red wax.

In other news: Origami

[Jubal]

BREAKING NEWS: Origami has gone into administration for the fifth time. Fears over its liabilities, and a balance sheet described as "paper thin", have led to the latest move. It's unclear what the fate of the workforce will be, but the troubled giant has been here before many times and many employees see no difference likely in the future.

"The company just keeps folding," one worker said to Exilian News. "It's almost like it's all Origami is about."

Executives were approached for comment but instead sent a box of five hundred poorly made paper swans.

In other news: this thread...

[Tusky]

BREAKING NEWS! This thread mistaken for actual thread by confused sewing enthusiasts.

In a recent gathering of the Needlecraft Association of Hampshire (NAH), attendees were horrified to discover that the cotton threads they were going to use to sew with were actually printouts of posts from this thread.
A report filed by an the Sewing & Crochet Action Bureau (SCAB), revealed that the source was a dimwitted intern. The report detailed that an intern, Keith, 27 from Andover, had been tasked with sourcing thread for the meet to use. To achieve this, the report revealed, he entered what he wanted to search for: "thread" into a search engine and clicked the first link he could see. However he had mistakenly managed to leave his previous search in search bar. Apparently he had previously been interested in "jolly games inn beer cellar breaking news". He went on to simply print off the whole thread, assuming that this fulfilled his instruction by the organiser to "get thread"
Catherine Sidebottom, 27 from Andover described the mistake as "Ridiculous"
"It's ridiculous" she told our reporters.
The chief organiser: head of NAH: Clive Brokenapple, 27 from Andover has been unavailable for comment.

In other news: A cat that looks like Elvis...

[Jubal]

Breaking News! A cat that looks like Elvis has been making local dogs, especially hounds, cry to an unreasonable degree.

The cat is thought to have mocked local dogs' failure at the popular area sport of rabbit catching, and made classist remarks which have made dogs in the locality locally deeply upset.

"It's not true," said local pooch Muffins Fluffbobble in between sobs. "I am high class, and I wasn't lying. Judging me by my refusal to catch rabbits and engage in blood sports is just unacceptable in the twenty first century".

The cat responded by saying that Muffins wasn't no friend of his.

In other news, a Christmas tree...

[Tusky]

BREAKING NEWS: Squirrels Decrypt Government Documents Using Chewed-Up Ikea Manuals

In a stunning turn of events, a band of particularly resourceful squirrels has cracked the government's most secure encryption protocols using nothing but discarded Ikea manuals. Apparently, the rodents found the labyrinthine instructions for assembling Billy bookcases strangely analogous to the byzantine algorithms guarding national secrets.

"It started with Earl," chirped Mr. Squigglesworth, a self-proclaimed spokesperson for the squirrel collective. "He was building a treehouse and noticed the diagrams looked oddly familiar. One thing led to another, and before you could say 'acorn artillery,' we were swapping chewed-up manuals for declassified drone blueprints."

It is unknown what the squirrels intentions are, or if they will be making demands. The government is yet to make a statement.