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Forum Games - The Beer Cellar! / Re: Last Post
« Last post by Jubal on December 09, 2023, 11:43:36 PM »Someone as can hear wi' good additional inhuman senses, says I.
Recent Posts
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Forum Games - The Beer Cellar! / Re: Last Post
« Last post by Tusky on December 09, 2023, 07:54:40 PM »Well.... If it makes then happy tho not sure who can actually hear the internet...
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General Chatter - The Boozer / Re: December Pub - When?
« Last post by Pentagathus on December 09, 2023, 06:54:23 PM »I believe all of these dates are separate days.
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Forum Games - The Beer Cellar! / Re: Last Post
« Last post by Jubal on December 09, 2023, 05:01:48 PM »Flies buzz and so detecting aurally your win ought to be easy.
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Stories and AARs / Re: Birth of a Lich
« Last post by Jubal on December 09, 2023, 03:04:37 PM »Right, some very overdue thoughts!
I like the scene as a whole, the description is good and and the narrative in general worked well for me
I think I'd maybe want to build the Ester/Lilith relationship a bit more before the reveal, possibly have some more flashbacks and memories involved? I think the "I was never the theological prodigy you were.... they instilled within me a disgust of my own being." section might need to be cut up a bit to make those points sharper, right now it feels a bit like a narrative dump, I'd like it to be more directed, given more actions/gestures towards Lilith, or something else to better emphasise Ester's fragile state of mind. Ester's dialogue might want to be a bit simplified given that, or you might want to call out the fact that she's speaking in a very full and rehearsed-sounding style for someone who also seems to be on the edge of a breakdown, perhaps another sign of the necromantic coaching.
I wonder if the tension between the Direct and the Higher could be made more direct? They're very clearly doing a good cop bad cop thing, intentionally or not, and giving us some idea of whether they're doing that as a team or whether their different approaches are getting different responses from Ester is something I'd like more of.
Disgruntled may be too soft a term for the feelings of the paladins at the end? I feel like this might be worse than "kinda grumpy" on the reaction level!
Very minor thing, but comma before a term of address so "Identify yourself, mage," etc would be better, the small pause helpse identify and add weight to the term of address. I'd also maybe make a couple of bits of the dialogue a bit more direct e.g. "the Ester I knew would never do that" might be better expressed as a "You know me! You're not like this!" Moving dialogue to a staccato as characters get more desperate I think might help amp up the desperation and panic involved here, if that's the vibe you want to get out of the scene (which was the impression I got).
More generally I'd like a little bit more visuals that take in the surrounding room - I liked your initial description of it but you could scatter in a bit more about the space in general: shadows on the wall from what the characters are doing, a scorch mark from the fireball, what the texture and colour of the stone is, how the magic sigils are reacting to what's going on, whether it's dry or damp, and things like that.
Anyhow, hope that helps as a bunch of random thoughts! Always keen to see more of this stuff when you have time to write any of it
I like the scene as a whole, the description is good and and the narrative in general worked well for me
I think I'd maybe want to build the Ester/Lilith relationship a bit more before the reveal, possibly have some more flashbacks and memories involved? I think the "I was never the theological prodigy you were.... they instilled within me a disgust of my own being." section might need to be cut up a bit to make those points sharper, right now it feels a bit like a narrative dump, I'd like it to be more directed, given more actions/gestures towards Lilith, or something else to better emphasise Ester's fragile state of mind. Ester's dialogue might want to be a bit simplified given that, or you might want to call out the fact that she's speaking in a very full and rehearsed-sounding style for someone who also seems to be on the edge of a breakdown, perhaps another sign of the necromantic coaching.
I wonder if the tension between the Direct and the Higher could be made more direct? They're very clearly doing a good cop bad cop thing, intentionally or not, and giving us some idea of whether they're doing that as a team or whether their different approaches are getting different responses from Ester is something I'd like more of.
Disgruntled may be too soft a term for the feelings of the paladins at the end? I feel like this might be worse than "kinda grumpy" on the reaction level!
Very minor thing, but comma before a term of address so "Identify yourself, mage," etc would be better, the small pause helpse identify and add weight to the term of address. I'd also maybe make a couple of bits of the dialogue a bit more direct e.g. "the Ester I knew would never do that" might be better expressed as a "You know me! You're not like this!" Moving dialogue to a staccato as characters get more desperate I think might help amp up the desperation and panic involved here, if that's the vibe you want to get out of the scene (which was the impression I got).
More generally I'd like a little bit more visuals that take in the surrounding room - I liked your initial description of it but you could scatter in a bit more about the space in general: shadows on the wall from what the characters are doing, a scorch mark from the fireball, what the texture and colour of the stone is, how the magic sigils are reacting to what's going on, whether it's dry or damp, and things like that.
Anyhow, hope that helps as a bunch of random thoughts! Always keen to see more of this stuff when you have time to write any of it
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Forum Games - The Beer Cellar! / Re: Word Association
« Last post by Jubal on December 09, 2023, 09:42:01 AM »Wrench
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Forum Games - The Beer Cellar! / Re: Word Association
« Last post by Tusky on December 09, 2023, 08:15:56 AM »Pipe
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Forum Games - The Beer Cellar! / Re: Word Association
« Last post by Othko97 on December 09, 2023, 05:18:31 AM »Copper.
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Forum Games - The Beer Cellar! / Re: Word Association
« Last post by Tusky on December 09, 2023, 12:18:12 AM »Tin
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Forum Games - The Beer Cellar! / Re: Word Association
« Last post by Jubal on December 08, 2023, 11:09:10 PM »Cornwall
(Yes, I know that's not where Devizes is, but it was the first thing that came into my brain anyway)
(Yes, I know that's not where Devizes is, but it was the first thing that came into my brain anyway)