Spoil a wish

[Jubal]

Your flat tidies and cleans itself! Unfortunately it does this constantly and instantly so every time you try to take something out of a cupboard to, say, make dinner, it is instantly moved back to the cupboard, which makes using your flat near impossible.

I wish that I knew what to put on a grant application so they would definitely give me the money.

[The Seamstress]

You know what to put on a grant application so they definitely give you the money. They're so impressed and enthusiastic about your application that they give you ALL the grants and ALL the money, increasing your workload by 4000%.

I wish all the money I make in Stardew Valley got converted into IRL euros and sent to my IRL bank account.

[Jubal]

This happens! It gets flagged as illegal undeclared foreign income and you get a large fine.


I wish my friends were happier

[The Seamstress]

I don't know how to spoil that and I don't want to, so I wish everyone was happier in general, too, hoping it comes true.

I wish I had a really good fancy chocolate cake right now.

[Jubal]

You have a really good fancy chocolate cake right now. It's very fancy: in fact it's a work of art and probably worth millions of euros, so you are stuck having to decide whether you get a life changing amount of money... or whether to eat the cake.

I wish I felt less anxious after days of talking to people

[The Seamstress]

You feel less anxious after days of talking to people. This is achieved by eating a ton of cheese and thus praying to the Goddess of All Cheeses. She will bless you with The Cheeseness, turning you into a giant cheese wheel. This is irreversible.


I wish decluttering my flat was easier.

[Tusky]

You suddenly decide that none of your possessions are important and give them all to charity. You then realise you have no pots or pans left to cook with, no bed or any essentials - so you have to purchase them all again.

I wish I could paint 10% more quickly

[Jubal]

You can paint 10 percent more quickly! This is achieved by your paintbrushes always being magically bigger so you can cover more space faster, which is great for painting walls but terrible for miniatures.

I wish I could process food faster at will.

[The Seamstress]

You can process food faster at will. Well, at least for a while. Then it gets out of hand, and the food processes so fast you barely even notice it. Life is boring now.


I wish I could reverse-age a few years.

[Jubal]

You can reverse-age a few years: but a few is judged by the lifespan of the universe, so you evolve backwards into an early land-dwelling lungfish type creature.

I wish I didn't have dry sinuses.

[The Seamstress]

You can reverse-age a few years: but a few is judged by the lifespan of the universe, so you evolve backwards into an early land-dwelling lungfish type creature.

Honestly sometimes I'd be fairly okay with that. I'd just slither across the ground and eat algae & stuff and be blissfully unbothered by human civilisation.

I wish I didn't have dry sinuses.

You don't have dry sinuses, on the contrary, they're a swamp now. Including a swamp monster lady named Ursula. She's obnoxious.


I wish my rabbits were four times as large for extra cuddliness.

[Jubal]

Your rabbits are four times the size! This also gives them unusually large brains, and they become melancholy from overthinking everything.


I wish my shower still worked on hot days.

[The Seamstress]

Your shower still works on hot days! But only hot water comes out of it, i.e., boiling hot water, only suitable to cook spaghetti.

I wish I was less tired today.

[Jubal]

You are less tired today! You are so un-tired that you don't go to bed and start getting other sleep deprivation symptoms.

I wish I was better at remembering when I'm halfway through making a cup of tea.

[The Seamstress]

You remember when you're halfway through making a cup of tea. You forget you made tea the instant it is ready though, so you get no tea either way.

I wish forming healthier life habits wasn't so difficult.