Jokes

[Goldyrulz]

This is a thread where you can post you funniest jokes!
please feel free!
I'll start off:
 For all of you that don't watch TV or dont live in Britain, Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross recorded a very nasty message on an actor's telephone which was very rude. Brand resigned because of it and Ross has been suspended. The ironic thing is, Ross' new autobiography is called "why do i say these things"!

that was pretty bad and i made it up on the spot so anyone should be able to beat it!

[Jubal]

A man walked into a bar.






OUCH.

[Guest]

A dyslexic man walked into a bra...

[Andalus]

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?




To show his girlfriend he had guts...

[Gen_Glory]

why did the dinosaur cross the road?

What road...

[Jubal]

This. is. PAINFUUUL!

[Andalus]

There was a man who lived in a large house with an even bigger garden. One day he bought a gorilla. The previous owner told him: "Feed him twice a day. He's calm and docile, but whatever you do, NEVER TOUCH HIM!" So the man took the gorilla home, and put him in a cage at the bottom of the garden.

Every morning after breakfast he would go out the back door, down the lawn path, round the fish pond, down the steps, through the orchard, past the flowerbeds, over the bridge, through a gate in the tall hedge, and feed the gorilla in his cage. And then he would come all the way back.

And again, in the evening, he would go down the path, round the pond, down the steps, though the orchard, past the flowerbeds, over the bridge, through the gate, feed the gorilla, and come back to the house for his supper.

After having done this for about a month, he stepped out one morning, and set off the feed the gorilla. It was a warm, sunny day and he was in a good mood as he strolled down the path, round the pond, whistling as he came down the steps, through the orchard, pausing to admire the flowers, then over the bridge, through the gate, and he gave the gorilla his food.

Watching the gorilla tuck in to the bananas, he thought to himself: "He seems friendly enough. I don't see why I shouldn't give him a little pat."

So he slipped his hand through the bars, and gently tapped the gorilla on the arm. Instantly, the gorilla leapt up and began to roar, raging, thrashing against the cage.

Terrified, the man ran throuh the gate and locked it, just as the gorilla burst through the iron bars. He sprinted over the bridge, past the flowers and into the orchard. Glancing back he saw the gorilla crash through the hedge and thunder after him over the bridge. The man ran out of the orchard and up the steps, round the pond.
The gorilla was hot on his heels, trampling straight over the flowerbeds, roaring through the orchard. The man ran up the garden path, dashed inside, locked and barred the door, and shot upstairs, just as the gorilla leapt up the steps, splashed through the pond, and lumbered across the lawn. Reaching the house, he simply ran staight through the wall, sending bricks flying.

Panicking, the man ran into the bathroom and locked the door. He climbed into the bath and hid trembling behind the show. He was silently invoking the name of ever blessed saint he could remember when the bathroom door was ripped off its hinges.
The gorilla squeezed in and rushed to the bath, wrenching off the shower curtain. The man could feel the gorilla's warm breath on his back. He closed his eyes, thinking "This is it, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die." The gorilla leaned down, his thick arms grasping.

He reached out a hand, and lightly tapped the man's shoulders.

"Tag," he said. "You're It."

[stormcloud]

8|

[Marcus]

Kill me. Now.

[Goldyrulz]

Bush with no power from January!
Thats a bit like Russell Brand without his telephone answer machine!

[CN2]

ok:

A man walks into a bar with David Beckham.

They sit down and have a pint talking to the bar maid the usual stuff, afte a few more David decides he needs to do a p*** so he goes to the toilet.
When he came back his left leg was soaked and the man thought " what did he do?!"

A few more later he needs to go again, this time David comes back with his right leg wet. HE decided to ask why David was wet and David said:

Its not me! but every time I go to the toilet some guy spins round and shouts "Its David Beckham!"

[stormcloud]

:blink:

[Gen_Glory]

you i always wondered why the frisbee got bigger as it span through the air...

and then it hit me

[Andalus]

Ha!

[stormcloud]

Heard it