King of the Hill

[Son of the King]

I climb up onto the now quiet and seemingly abandoned hill.

My hill.

[The Seamstress]

It was quiet, but not abandoned.

My hill.

[Jubal]

It was not abandoned because there were lots of pangolin burrows inside it waiting for my eventual return.

My hill!

[The Seamstress]

What you didn't know though was that the burrows had long been seized by BUNS.

My hill.

[Jubal]

The giant pangolin, Smutsia gigantea: weight 30-40 kilograms, 1.1-1.3 metres long, armoured with sharp-edged plates. Ways of facing down threats include, beside aforementioned armour plating, heavy burrowing claws that can break concrete. Other features include adorable snuffly nose and broadly gentle disposition albeit occasionally grumpy.

Conservation status - endangered.

The European rabbit, Oryctolagus cuniculus: weight 1-2 kilograms, up to 40cm long, armoured with a small amount of floof. Ways of facing down threats include Run Into Hole and Maybe Kick A Bit With The Big Feets. Other features include adorable snuffly nose and broadly gentle disposition albeit occasionally grumpy.

Conservation status - weirdly enough given their reputation, also endangered.

...my hill, I think. 

[Son of the King]

Both endangered, sounds like there's not many of them. I return to the hill with a small expeditionary force.

My hill.

[Jubal]

Your small expeditionary force are charged with mishandling endangered species of mammal and arrested.

My hill.

[Tusky]

I shoo away any straggling enforcement officers, dig a big moat around the hill and fill it with lava and lava-sharks.

My hill

[Jubal]

As you just filled it with lava and there's no volcano pumping more in, the surface of the lava will form a cooled crust in about 15 mins. Conveniently, this will also trap the lava sharks underneath.

I wait for a bit longer for it to cool enough that there's no risk of the crust breaking, then walk across the moat.

My hill.

[The Seamstress]

Meanwhile, the BUNS have regained their strength. I feed them magic herbs which makes them grow to the size of elephants. They reclaim the hill, chasing you away!

My hill.

[Jubal]

The elephantine buns actually lose a lot of the properties that make buns effective at being buns, given that they are too big for their burrows and too heavy to hop properly. In trying to burrow into The Hill, they actually just burrow it into nonexistence and kick all the soil to another place, which I reoccupy.

My hill!

[Son of the King]

You failed to notice that the new pile of dirt actually landed in such a way that it is a secondary peak of a larger mountain.

I don't fail to notice this, and climb to the true summit.

My hill.

[The Seamstress]

But on the true summit, I was already waiting with my normal-sized siege buns.

My hill.

[Jubal]

The true summit may be the summit of the mountain, but the secondary peak is still THE HILL and I will die on this hill.

My hill (and, perhaps, my tomb)

[The Seamstress]

You died on this hill and turned into a vampire due to a bite from an elephantine vampire bun. Now you can't be outside on the hill by daylight, making you flee into the darkness.

My hill.