Spoil a wish

[Tusky]

The entrance to the nice bakery is now positioned exactly 1 metre to you left. Congratulations! You are at the bakery at all times. It is eternally positioned exacly there realtive to you. It follows you around wherever you go, crashing through walls, vehicles, foliage and anything else as you move.

I wish I had a nice new blue hat I like with a picture of a flower on it.

[Jubal]

You have a nice blue hat that you like with a flower picture. Unfortunately in the ancient and subtle language of flowers the message of this particular flower is "oi, you want some? you want to step outside?" and so you end up in pugilistic discourses with vengeful nineteenth century poets every time you wear it out the house.

I wish people didn't treat the horrors of the world so much like team sports.

[Son of the King]

People stop treating the horrors of the world like team sports, they switch for individual sports instead and the whole thing descends into chaos as everyone supports an individual horror.

I wish there were more hours in the day.

[The Seamstress]

There are more hours in the day. Unfortunately it turns out they're all working hours.

I wish more people would just say what they actually mean.

[Jubal]

Potoot? Meeps. Meepmeep, mipmopflop, potoot pootpoot.


I wish my stomach was less grumpy in the mornings

[The Seamstress]

Potoot? Meeps. Meepmeep, mipmopflop, potoot pootpoot.

Finally, some clear communication. Poteeps!


Your stomach is less grumpy in the mornings! It's more grumpy the rest of the day, to make up for it.

I wish I were motivated to cook a decent meal instead of eating Whatever I Find In The Fridge.

[Tusky]

You are continually very motivated to cook delicious cuisine from various exciting recipes, but you are not allowed the use of the fridge. It is a time consuming and expensive endeavour.

I wish I had appeared in an episode of the show: Seinfeld.

[Jubal]

History is written so that not only did you appear in Seinfeld, but you actually replaced Seinfeld as the lead character. Unfortunately, as you were a small child at the time Seinfeld was being filmed, the overall premise of the show actually worked quite poorly with an infant lead, and the show was canned after one season. Nobody in the new timeline has ever heard of it.

I wish I could play a hurdy-gurdy well.

[The Seamstress]

You will play a hurdy-gurdy well, but only a very specific magic hurdy-gurdy. You need to go on a quest and fight a demon in order to obtain it from the mysterious Hurdy-Gurdy people who live in a remote medieval mountain village. Only if you defeat the demon will you be worthy of hurdy-gurdying your way to fame and fortune.

I wish I could play an instrument at all.

[Jubal]

You can play an instrument! You are now very good at the vuvuzela, which unfortunately is not very welcome except at South African football matches.

I wish I had a better way to keep my plants alive for the next fortnight when I'm away.

[The Seamstress]

You do. It involves necromancy. The outcome is questionable.

I wish I had more energy.

[Jubal]

You have more energy, it comes in the form of you being delivered many many crates of AAA batteries, which are not the easiest form to convert into the energy you need.

I wish my skin didn't crumble off so much from the psoriasis plaques

[The Seamstress]

It doesn't crumble off, but crumbles on instead. Results unknown.

I wish I could shrink myself to the size of an apple at will so I could live in the fridge during heatwaves.

[Jubal]

You can shrink yourself to the size of an apple: unfortunately this now means your brain is about the size of an apple pip so you can't actually remember how to unshrink yourself because that is too many thinks for a small chilled brain to accomplish. You are also too small to open the fridge door so you're basically a tiny fridge penguin for now on.

I wish that conferences stopped scheduling panels I want to go to at clashing times.

[The Seamstress]

Conferences stop scheduling panels you want to go to at clashing times. The scheduling is now being scheduled at non-clashing times, which means they schedule the panels at non clashing times, but said panels still actually take place at clashing times. No one wins.

I wish heatwaves wouldn't exist so I wouldn't feel like mush all the time.