"The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.""
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As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"
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Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully until the voices tell you which number to press.
If you have bipolar affective disorder, please leave a message after the beep and before the beep and after the beep.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have ADD, wander away from the phone and start another task.
If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you suffer from social phobia, please hang up and go to a party.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone, and mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you are manic-depressive and in the down phase, it doesn't matter which number you press, we will not answer, and if we do, we would not able to help you-and we charge an arm and a leg. If you are in the upper phase, then everything is fine and you don't need help (yet)-nor do we need our counselor listening to your endless chatter.
If you are paranoid-schizophrenic, watch out! The thing you are holding on the side of your head has just woke-up, and it is about to bite you head off.
If you are merely a neurotic mess or borderline, you have already pushed everybody's buttons so it doesn't matter which number you press-- no one will answer..
If you are a physically attractive nymphomaniac, please call my cell phone at 555-543-4353.
Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline. Your call is very unimportant to us.
