King of the Hill

[Tusky]

I tell a very very sad story that makes you cry so much that the flames are extinguished

My hill

[Jubal]

Eh, screw this, I'm going to Mali.

Mali has hills in it.

My hill!

[Tusky]

The hills in Mali are not the one under dispute here.

Still my hill.

[Jubal]

Objection! The location of the hill has not been specified. We, the plaintiffs, allege that this Malian hill is in fact "the hill" referred to by the defendant, and that the hill therefore belongs to its current occupier, who is a pangolin and may or may not be a trireme.

My hill.

[Glaurung]

M'lud, we assert that the plaintiff cannot possibly be the true owner of the hill, on the grounds that there are neither pangolins nor triremes in Mali, and therefore the hill cannot be occupied by one.

My hill!

[Jubal]

The defendant's case is factually incorrect - Mali is in fact on the edge of the range of the Giant and Tree pangolins, as noted in this CITES documentation: https://www.cites.org/sites/default/files/eng/cop/09/prop/E09-Prop-07_08_Manis.PDF

We therefore submit that these falsehood render the stated case void, and that the plaintiff should receive the due remedy of one (1) hill.

My hill

[Tusky]

I find it a dangerous precedent that you departed one disputed hill, found another in some country and declared it to be the correct hill (since none was specified before), based on your own assertion.

If this is what happened, then I counter that the first hill, occupied by me is the correct hill based on my own word, (and that of those that have squabbled over it for many years).

If we are not able to say that random different hills are the correctly disputed hill from now on, then the first should remain "the hill". I don't mind since I am atop it.

My hill

[Jubal]

Clearly the only solution is to merge all the hills everywhere into one super-hill.

Since I came up with the solution, I should be given custody thereover.

My hill!

[Glaurung]

In the many worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, all possible combinations of hills and owners exist... somewhere.

This hill is my hill!

[Jubal]

I like hills. I made sad eyes at people until they give me a hill.

my hill

[Tusky]

I recover from feeling sorry for Jubal, and hastily erect a bivouac atop the hill as a makeshift fortification against invaders.

My hill

[Glaurung]

Your flimsy bivouac collapses, and your shivering troops flee the hill, searching for shelter.

My hill!

[Jubal]

Having not constructed any alternative fortification, yours do likewise.

My stout dwarf and pangolin legions march in and construct stone-lined fortifications and tunnels deep within the hill, creating a nigh impregnable fortress.

My hill!

[Tusky]

I employ the services of that horde of zombies that were outside the prison in Resident Evil: Afterlife, since they have excellent impregnable fortress pregnation skills. Once they have thwarted your defenses, I employ the services of a very high level cleric from D&D to cast turn undead on the horde - to avoid any unfortunate calamities involving eaten brains. Now the top of the hill is clear, and my bank account thoroughly drained from all of this employing I've been doing, I erect a defensive wigwam to maintain rulership over...

My hill.

[Jubal]

I persuade the authorities implement a land value tax, which you are unable to pay due to your drained bank account, forcing you to sell the hill to me to pay off your tax obligations.

My hill!