Fortunately, Unfortunately

[Ierne]

fortunately, the razor snails turned out to be from the Inter-Galactic League of Rare Bottle Cap Collection Protectors, and therefore not out to cause harm to the innocent

[Caradìlis]

Unfortunately, they do cause harm to the guilty and as we are all guilty of murdering this planet, we are still in graaaave danger...

[Jubal]

Fortunately, most of us didn't intend to murder the planet, we just did it passively, so our sentence will be downgraded to manslaughter of the planet.

[Tusky]

Unfortunately whilst in prison a riot breaks out amongst the imprisoned population of Earth. An imprisoned judge and jury are assembled to pass judgement on everyone else and they agree to add a few years to the sentence.

[Jubal]

Fortunately, the prison is the worst possible habitable place the intergalactic federation could think of to send us, a dying planet being choked by its own population, mostly covered in potentially lethal fluids, with vast wastelands uninhabitable due to extreme conditions and only a few fringe areas with satisfactory conditions to keep us all in, many of us living in cramped and inhumane conditions with poor sanitation and lack of basic services. We are condemned to this prison, called "Earth", for many, many years to come. Welcome home.

[Ierne]

Unfortunately, while in space prison, the population of earth developed a taste for a certain kind of fruit that only grows on mars. In order to satisfy our cravings, earth becomes entangled in a bitter trade war with pluto over who gets access to the fruit.

[Jubal]

Fortunately, the trade war was resolved rapidly after someone realised that the British had accidentally been left in charge of negotiations, which were then given to Uruguay to do instead and were sorted in a couple of weeks.

[Tusky]

Unfortunately the negotiations were resolved so rapidly because Uruguay made serious compromises about quality and cost. Earth is left with fruit that is a little too expensive and fails to hit the spot quite like it used to.

[Jubal]

Fortunately, The Spot was quite tired of being pelted with fruit all the time, and welcomes the break.

[Ierne]

Unfortunately, The Spot now has the mental and physical energy to take up Extremely Speculative and Vaguely Freudian Philosophy, and becomes convinced that he is, in fact, the Ubermensch's mother-in-law, and that it is his duty to bake everyone scones. the world is snowed under with so many scones that all transport systems on earth fail simultaneously, causing chaos and economic meltdown.

[Jubal]

Fortunately, it does on the other hand solve world hunger.

[Tusky]

Unfortunately, only for as long as the scones last

[Jubal]

Fortunately, The Spot is happy to make more scones.

[Tusky]

Unfortunately, it's lost some of the passion it once or scone making, and the new batch is quite lacklustre

[Jubal]

Fortunately, lacklustre scones are a prized delicacy on other planets, so we can start an export business.