King of the Hill

[Ierne]

I gather a large group of NPCs, which your bards are compelled by some deep inner instinct to attempt to seduce.

I then take the hill using a large flock of speciallyt trained battle Seagulls

My hill

[Glaurung]

I lure the seagulls away with strategically placed supplies of fish and chips, sandwiches and doughnuts. I then bring in my own group of pandas, and plant the hill with bamboo to ensure a long-term food supply. The pandas have no military effectiveness, but potential adversaries find themselves unable to attack the cute furry creatures.

[Jubal]

I put myself in stasis, wait a few hundred years until the pandas have died out from being too damn useless to be able to breed effectively, and then take over the hill. I have it guarded by the sphinx, because she owes me a favour.

[Tusky]

I arm myself with a and wield his expert riddlecraft at the sphinx, who becomes defeated.

My hill

[Jubal]

I get Gollum to go drop himself into a dramatic volcano.

I take the hill with an army of the free peoples of Middle-earth! My hill!

[Ierne]

The free peoples of Middle Earth are very easily distracted by Dark Lords. I get Vader to pretend to invade several miles away, and sneak up the hill while no one is looking

My hill!

[Jubal]

Vader is bad at only pretending to invade. He rolls over your hill, and the rest of the planet, with his dark legions. I offer in exchange for dominion over the hill the only thing known to be able to stop Vader's forces in their tracks, the thing Stormtroopers tell their kids as horror stories, the most terrifying force in the Star Wars universe. Yes, the hill is now garrisoned by Ewoks.

My hill!

[Tusky]

I bring a young child armed with a nerf gun riding an old asthmatic mule. They are more than a match for your ewoks who nearly instantly rout.

My hill.

[Jubal]

I bribe the mule with carrots and the young child with chocolate.

My hill.

[Tusky]

I bring that helicopter from desert / jungle / urban strike and make many things explode

My hill

[Jubal]

The eagles are coming! The eagles are coming!

My hill!

[Tusky]

Eddie the eagle Edwards is coming! He does sort of ok in a skiing competition down the hill.

Which is now mine.

[Jubal]

Uh, I use... a half decent Olympic standard skiier, who beats Eddie the Eagle and claims the hill for me.

My hill!

[Tusky]

I set fire to the hill, and send in some lava people to garrison it.

My Hill.

[Jubal]

I send Greta Thunberg to berate you for the carbon emissions involved in needlessly burning an entire hill, until you slink away in shamr.

My hill.