Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer

[Jubal]

It's part of soap's plan to normalise itself.

Why can't I turn into an owl?

[The Seamstress]

You can, theoretically. But it requires a secret potion with a secret ingredient that's very very secret, so finding that is quite impossible, I'm afraid.

What was the Morse code really invented for?

[Jubal]

Inspector Morse had to use it to communicate before he learned English.

Why don't we call hedgehogs urchins any more?

[The Seamstress]

Because the name is more commonly used for sea urchins nowadays, and hedgehogs don't want to be associated with them. Who would want to, really.

Why is pizza flat and not spherical? You could put so much more cheese & stuff on it!

[Jubal]

The Italians feared what would happen were they to ponder the orb.

Why am I at a conference about which I know very little?

[The Seamstress]

Maybe you were abducted.    (Are you sure you weren't abducted? Send a carrier pigeon if you need help.)

Who was the first fashion victim?

[Jubal]

Pharaoh: we forget the Plague of Fashion among the biblical plagues of Egypt too often.

Why isn't there a patron saint of pootpoots?

[The Seamstress]

If I knew what pootpoots were I could probably answer the question (in a stupid way), but I don't know and couldn't find any conclusive information. I'd guess though that there's no patron saint for them because said saint would also be unsure about what pootpoots are.

Why do fairy lights make me unreasonably happy?

[Jubal]

That'd be the fairies whispering in your dreams

Why doesn't this conference have more kittens at it?

[The Seamstress]

More kittens? Do you mean there are kittens?? I wanna see them! (As to why there aren't more, they probably are in another part of the conference venue where there's a meeting of The Kitten Society discussing their latest findings about how to better get humans under their control by being cute.)

What is the most shocking thing that ever happened at a meeting of The Kitten Society?

[Jubal]

Sadly there were zero kittens. This answers both parts of your above question.


Why are the pinecone guys being a worse sort of weird than they used to be?

[The Seamstress]

Pinecones have always been suspicious. Just look at them. They come from trees. In the forest. Weird.

Why aren't pumpkins rebelling against having creepy faces carved into them every Halloween?

[Jubal]

Ever heard of vampire squash?

(That's both the answer and next question, in one.)

[The Seamstress]

I didn't, and googled it. I was totally unaware of the abysmal world of vampiric produce.

"In Podrima and Prizrenski Podgor they consider this transformation occurs if these ground fruit have been kept for more than ten days: then the gathered pumpkins stir all by themselves and make a sound like 'brrrl, brrrl, brrrl!' and begin to shake themselves." (See Wikipedia)

That, after careful consideration of all the scientific evidence, leads to only one conclusion: Brrrl, brrrl, brrrl!!


If there's vampire veg, there's also ghost veg, right?

[Jubal]

No, the ghost veg is on the left.

(Also, I really must get you to read Digger at some point).


When the chips are down, what happens to the fish?