Spoil a wish

[Jubal]

You are a successful racing driver, in that you're both successful and a racing driver. However, your main field of success is in competitive paper aeroplane, not in driving, at which you invariably lose.

I wish I could just hide under a duvet with sufficient food and water supplies until December 13.

[Tusky]

You do this, but are endlessly plagued by life admin. You have to keep popping out to use the toilet, adjust heating, get things to entertain yourself and so on. It spoils the true nest effect you were going for.

I wish that the nicotine clouds generated by those vape thingies was odourless, but still allowed the vape thingy to fulfil it's intended purpose.

[Jubal]

This happens. You only now discover that the intended purpose of vape thingies was to take over the world and become our new rulers, and the nicotine stuff was just a side game that has been preventing them completing their sinister plan - until you so rashly allowed them to fulfil their purpose and doom us all.

I wish I didn't feel so in limbo.

[Tusky]

You instead feel under limbo. A limbo stick. You must forever more do the "limbo dance" at children's parties against children that usually beat you, having superior smallness and limberness.

Like less has fewer, I wish there was another distinct word for "more" when you are dealing with a greater number of countable nouns

[Jubal]

There is a word and it is ყვწურკარი, which has horrible consonant clusters and cannot be phonetically rendered in English. Several people choke trying to pronounce it.

I wish I had two more weeks of Christmas holiday to see more friends and get more writing done

[Ierne]

The earth's anual cycle is stretched and/or slowed enough to give you an extra two weeks in the year. As a result of the disruption to the laws of physics, the apocalypse happens.

I wish I could get the consistency of Christmas cake icing right, I haven't managed it for years...

[Jubal]

You get the consistency of christmas cake icing right, unfortunately christmas cake icing is all a conspiracy and the perfect "correct" consistency is the unlocking key to summon the archdaemon Uhravalathod to wreak revenge upon the earth.

I wish that Uhravalathod would go away again.

[Tusky]

He goes away again. However you feel such remorse at making him leave a second time that you immediately call him back

I wish to meet Barack Obama

[Jubal]

You meet Barack Obama Senior, but he's dead and doesn't tell you anything much.

I wish I could eat more food at Christmas without getting full.

[Tusky]

This is achieved by removing all of your body below the stomach. Food now drops on to the floor & seat you've been propped up in. You can now eat infinite amounts, but require a system of tubes to stay alive.

I wish there had only ever been one religion

[Jubal]

There was. It was a suicide cult. Humanity did not last long enough for other religions to form. You are erased from existence along with millennia of human history.

I wish the weather was pleasant but seasonal winter sunshine, not grey and misty.

[Ierne]

you can now see what the mist was hiding, and you are afraid.

i wish i could stay on the couch eating lebkuchen and watching kid's movies forever

[Tusky]

You are on a couch that is eating lebkuchen, as you ask. It is very uncomfortable and lasts forever. The phantom menace and the remake of Gulliver's travels with Jack black are played on repeat for that time, for your entertainment.

I wish chips were good for your health

[Glaurung]

Chips are good for your health. Unfortunately, they are wood chips, not potato chips, so they're extremely tough to chew, and they don't taste nice either.

I wish there were mountains near Cambridge.

[Jubal]

There are now high mountains encircling Cambridge. Cut off from the outside world, you rapidly run short of supplies, and ultimately the city lies a wasteland, reclaimed by the elements.

I wish my cat wasn't unwell.