Spoil a wish

[Tusky]

I think a word was missing in the wish - so I'll enter it for you. Everyone has enough good poison to eat.

I wish that I could speak Spanish fluently.

[Glaurung]

You can speak Spanish fluently. Unfortunately, you are marooned in the middle of Mongolia; there very few people, and none of them speak Spanish.

I wish I didn't have to travel all the way to London to see the Tutankhamun exhibition.

[Jubal]

You have to merely travel a quarter of that distance: unfortunately, it turns out that means the exhibition a warehouse down an off-road track somewhere in the fens, whereupon it takes even longer to get to.

I wish Patrick Weekes would write another Rogues of the Republic book.

[Tusky]

He writes a new book, but in a fit of artistic pomp, uses a marker pen on sheaves of tree bark. He forbids duplicates, so there is only one copy. Since the book is made of quite delicate materials you have to join a years long waiting list to read it. Then when it is your turn you must at great expense travel to California and spend a few weeks to read it with a stern, white gloved custodian supervising you & turning the pages.

I wish I could lift 100 kg with one hand effortlessly.

[Jubal]

You can lift precisely 100kg, as measured to fifteen decimal places, effortlessly. Any more or less and you need the usual amount of effort. You require a large team of scientists working to obtain anything of the perfect weight and conditions for this to be remotely useable.

I wish I didn't have a bloaty feeling in my stomach

[Tusky]

It has moved 1 foot upwards and is no longer in your stomach

I wish I could alter the nutritional makeup of any given item of food.

[Jubal]

Unfortunately food doesn't wear makeup, which makes your power rather less useful.

I wish I was inspired to do academic work more.

[Ierne]

The academic community is initially delighted to discover you are so Inspired that you are doing all the work for them, but then they realise that means only you will receive funding in future, and you are chased into the wilderness with nothing but a packet of kendal mint cake and a small spoon

I wish I could have the pleasure of a pet cat without the responsibilities of looking after one

[Jubal]

You gain the pleasure experienced by a pet cat, channeled directly into your brain. It turns out that pet cats are not very pleased about anything, and your life is a less happy one as a result.

I wish that I no longer had chronic sinus problems.

[Tusky]

You're head is removed, curing you of your sinus problems.

I wish that I could become fluent in Russian in a day.

[Jubal]

You become fluent in Russian in one venusian day, that is, 243 earth days. Unfortunately, you have now lost your job and all your acquaintances because you've been doing nothing but learning Russian for months.

I wish for more wishes.

[Tusky]

You are granted as many wishes as you like. You may now wish for great things, but with inevitably terrible or unfortunate results as they must be granted exclusively by visitors to this thread.

I wish that I had a nice cheesburger right now

[Jubal]

You get a nice cheesburger. It is full of chees, which turn out to be small sapient beings from the asteroid Chee. It tastes very nice, but also you're now complicit in murder.

I wish for FREEDOM

[Glaurung]

You get FREEDOM. It's a physical sign composed of individual white letters, each 45 feet high (a la Hollywood sign). You are unable to keep it in your flat, and no-one else wants it.

I wish I didn't have to go shopping in the rain.

[Jubal]

You have to go shopping in 41 degree celsius sunshine instead. It is Worse.

I wish I knew what to do with the rest of the day, having frittered it all thus far.