Spoil a wish

[Tusky]

You absorb the cats illness, which is much worse for your human innards.

I wish I had another coffee right now, instead of having to go all the way downstairs to make one like some sort of chump.

[Jubal]

You have another coffee, but it has no milk in so you have to go downstairs anyway to get that. Like a chump.

I wish I could write faster.

[Tusky]

You can now write the word "faster" and no other words.

I wish the person currently in the room of the flat I am moving into would let me know what on Earth they are doing so I can hand my notice in on my current place

[Jubal]

They are doing nothing on earth, having snuck off to their secret fortress on Mars, and are thus not obliged to tell you anything.

I wish that I knew better what the best use of my time would be.

[Ierne]

You find out the best use of your time. As determined by the US military, and detailed in a secret CIA file, it is to build missile launchers. As determined by the Bracknell women's institute, and written on the back of last year's flower arranging monthly, it is to paint small garden gnomes a pleasing shade of orange. You do not find this information useful.

I wish there was a German cake shop next door to my house.

[Glaurung]

There is a German cake shop next door to your house, and you have easy access to delicious German cakes. This is because your house has magically moved to a small town in southern Germany: very convenient for cakes, but rather less so for other aspects of daily life, such as work, studies, friends, family, etc.

I wish I could think of something to wish for.

[Jubal]

You think of a wish that is also the summoning spell for AZFLORTHATG'FLATH, who is both a malevolent eldritch abomination who has lurked for countless aeons on the outer planes, and only capable of manifesting in the form of a jelly-like ball six centimetres across. He is unkillable and will mostly blob around your house damaging books and blocking sink drains for the remainder of time.

I wish I had two extra days in this week.

[Tusky]

You have 2 extra days but you have to spend them both sealed in a vat of tepid, congealed blood breathing through a straw.

I wish I could successfully juggle up to 5 juggling balls.

[Jubal]

You successfully juggle up to 5 juggling balls - that is, the balls themselves must be juggling other things whilst you juggle them, or you can't do it. As balls cannot juggle this is not a very useful skill.

I wish I could finish my marking workload by magic.

[Glaurung]

You can finish your marking by magic. Unfortunately the magic doesn't like marking any more than you do (possibly less), so it writes a series of unhelpful comments on the students' work and gives each one of them a big round zero. This does not endear you to your students or department.

I wish it wasn't raining when I want to go to the pub.

[Jubal]

It never rains whenever you have even the vaguest desire to go to the pub. It never rains anywhere when that happens. As the clouds take a while to re-form, this ultimately leads to global drought, and the government has you shot in order to protect all life on earth from your subconscious beer cravings.

I wish I was more capable of spending long stretches of time on my own without starting to feel cooped up in my own head, especially since I also often find company exhausting when I do get it.

[Tusky]

Now, when you are cooped up by yourself for long stretches of time, you feel cooped up inside someone else's head. The sensation is unbearable and to avoid being driven to madness you are forced to seek out a way to have frequent, exhausting company. you are now a bar tender.

I wish I had the superpower of being able to grow healthy vegetables in any material (e.g. concrete). I feel like that would be a useful power to have in a more central flat with no garden

[Jubal]

You can. However, as harvesting them would be injurious to their health, you are unable to do so.

I wish I had a big patchwork cloak.

[Tusky]

You now have one but it is 10 centimetres long, so doesn't work especially well.

I wish that cloud racing was a competitive sport.

[Jubal]

It is, but "cloud racing" actually becomes a misnomer for a kind of table tennis which is really quite dull..

I wish everyone magically had enough good to eat.