Spoil a wish

[Glaurung]

Your elbow no longer seizes up or is painful. Instead, while entirely pain-free, it also rotates freely and uncontrollably in all directions.

I wish my facial hair could grow without becoming itchy.

[Caradìlis]

Your facial hair grows without itching, but its growing speed increases to 25mph.

I wish that squirrel wasn't looking at me with those judgy eyes.

[Jubal]

The squirrel looks at you with different eyes instead. Your own. The squirrel is now with you in your brain always. Do not try to fight the squirrel.

I wish student feedback just wrote itself sometimes.

[Ierne]

the times at which student feedback now writes itself are: every second tuesday of the month that is also a full moon, and only during epochs where the president of the united states is a cat

I wish the next two matrix movies could live up to the expectations generated by the first.

[Jubal]

only during epochs where the president of the united states is a cat

Electoral challenge accepted

The next two matrix movies will live up to those expectations, but they'll be made as a reboot series in 2100 after we're probably all dead.

I wish birds would visit my terrace more.

[Caradìlis]

birds visit your terrace. Unfortunately, they are vultures looking for food, and are unwilling to wait for you to die before they start snacking on you!

I wish the read through was going quicker

[Jubal]

It goes so quickly you don't take anything in, and it was a waste of time.

I wish I had instantaneous healing magic.

[Caradìlis]

You have instantaneous healing magic, but you have no idea how to use it. As dosage makes the poison, you inadvertantly poison yourself with your healing magic.

I wish I could do more druidcrafts..

[Tusky]

You can do just one more druidcraft. It allows you to create a poultice that turns pimples orange.

I wish those anoying system updates happened a little bit quicker. Wouldn't that be nice for everyone?

[Jubal]

The greater efficiency is simply used by employers to force staff to work more rather than them being able to breathe for a moment whilst the update happens. You are now responsible for several hundred people worldwide dying of exhaustion in the workplace over the coming years.

I wish that it didn't hurt when I type things.

[Caradìlis]

It does no longer hurt when you type things. However, everything else hurts, whenever you no longer type things.

[Tusky]

You are dismayed when your secret wish that you revealed to nobody is revealed to the world.

I wish that tomatoes were blue.

[Jubal]

They all become blue in the sense of being depressed. The world is appalled at you for making all the tomaties sad.

I wish that I had a bigger garden

[Caradìlis]

Your garden is bigger. In fact the whole world is now your back yard. You are overwhelmed with all the problems in your back yard, and die of the psychological strain that puts on you.

I wish my editor got back to me faster...

[Glaurung]

Your editor gets back to you faster, in fact almost instantaneously. Unfortunately, all they ever ask for is updates and changes to stuff you've already written, including things you've changed before at their request. You are unable to ever complete anything to their satisfaction.

I wish my employer could work out which team I'm in.