Spoil a wish

[comrade_general]

Your kitchen is so big that it takes you three weeks to walk from the refrigerator to the stove and you starve to death during the journey.

I wish someone would buy my house.

[Jubal]

Someone buys your house, but pays you in cash with fake money which dissolves as soon as the contract is signed.

I wish my new chair would arrive.

[comrade_general]

It arrives but it's more of a stool and also plastic and the size of one of those little table things they sometimes put in pizza boxes and it is useless to you.

I wish I had a haircut.

[Caradìlis]

You get a haircut, but it looks terrible...

I wish I was looking forward to dinner more...

[comrade_general]

You look forward so much that you bend the space time continuum and end up looking backwards to breakfast.

I wish I could just do the things I want to do without the apprehension and lack of motivation.

[Tusky]

You do all of the things you want with reckless abandon. You are so motivated and fervent that you neglect many of the things you'd rather not do. You neglect cleaning your house because you were busy on the road blowing peoples minds. This leads to a rat infestation that spreads to the whole neighbourhood and you are fined vast sums to get it sorted.


I wish that I did not have to sleep.

[Caradìlis]

You don't have to sleep. You also don't have to eat, drink, do exercise or breathe, because you are dead. Congratulations.

I wish I had a doctor...

[Jubal]

The Doctor turns up. So do a bunch of improbable monsters that may or may not resemble packaging materials. The monsters eat you.

I wish I was quicker at doing paperwork.

[Caradìlis]

You are really quick in getting it all done, but the result is riddled with wrong data, misspelled street names and you have acidentally signed up your desk lamp as a dependent...

I wish I was better at being okay...

[comrade_general]

You become the best at being okay and never exceed beyond average in any aspect of your life.

[Jubal]

You get to Dixie, only to find that they have seceded again. You get shot for being a northern spy.

I wish I could help everyone be happier.

[comrade_general]

You help everyone become so happy that you get diabetes from our joyfulness.

I wish I had some company.

[Tusky]

One day a man arrives at your door. He arrives gives you a card. It says: "Hi, I'm Alan. I am your 'Friend'."
On the back of the card is written "The company company. An outreach group". The man wanders into your house, sits in your front room and proceeds to look at his phone. You are somewhat pleased to have company, despite his offishness.
The next day, however, the exact same thing happens. A man arrives at your door with a card. Presumably there was some administrative blunder, so you tell him you already have company but he ignores you and lets himself in.
You ask him to leave but this falls on deaf ears, so you decide to get in touch with the company company instead. You search for them on the internet to get their phone number but you can't even find a mention of them anywhere. You spent a long time entering all combinations of search terms to no avail. You try asking the men where they came from instead, but they shrug and say nothing.
The next day the same thing happens so you decide to phone the police, and report these men as trespassers. The police think you are making the story up and refuse to help.
Everything you try does not prevent a new friend arriving each day. After a few weeks your house is stuffed full of disinterested people sighing, looking at their phones helping themselves to your food and laying about the place dozing.


I wish I wasn't up this early.

[Caradìlis]

You are still in bed, you are still sleeping, in fact you will be sleeping for centuries, because some fairy has cursed you...

I wish I had less to do...

[Tusky]

You realise that all the things you think you have to do are all just tied in with wealth acquisition. You decide to free yourself of of this unecessary western capitalist dogma and join a hippy commune in Oklahoma. There you have barely anything to do other than tend to the land and commune with nuture. You are gored by a wild hog whilst hugging a tree.


I wish that climate change deniers would believe climate change is a bad thing