Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer

[The Seamstress]

Pangolins in suits. They also control the global teabag industry, but that's a well-kept secret.

Why do vampires transform into bats instead of seagulls?

[Jubal]

They didn't want to appear gull-ible.

What are birds?

[The Seamstress]

Fancy dinosaurs.

What is the greatest unsolved mystery of outer space?

[Jubal]

Which planet all the missing unpaired socks from washing machines actually fled to.

Where is Earl Grey tea actually earl of?

[The Seamstress]

The Grey Mountains, Teapleton Shire, the remote and near-legendary realm of the equally legendary Grey-Tea family. The tea sold today is named after Earl Henry Fitztealliam Grey-Tea, 7th earl of Teapleton, who one day travelled the country accompanied by his loyal valet, Peter Foolminster, to show off his new teapot-shaped hat.

How exactly are fish and chips genetically related?



 

[Jubal]

Through DNA (Dinners Northerners Ate)

How would an alchemist make pesto?

[The Seamstress]

Melting gold and letting it simmer at medium heat until it transforms into basil.

In a sword fight Jean-Luc Picard versus Miss Marple, who would win?

[Jubal]

Rather unexpectedly, Long John Silver from Treasure Island.

If a tea (earl grey, hot) and a martini (shaken, not stirred) ended up in the wrong universes, what calamity would occur?

[The Seamstress]

Assuming Picard has low tolerance for alcohol because he mostly drinks tea, he'd probably be drunk. When the ship's attacked by very sober Romulans and Picard sings a ballad to ward them off instead of giving the necessary fight commands, the Romulans win, seize the ship and take everyone capture, and thus disrupt the timeline, allowing the Romulans to take over the known universe.

If he'd not like it, Bond would probably just politely complain about the tea and pour it into the nearest flower pot. Or shoot the teacup, testing some new weapon hidden inside a pencil.


If rabbits replaced humans in all positions of power, what would the world be like?

[Jubal]

I'd have assumed very chaotic, but apparently not


Why don't empires have as many little ponies involved as they used to?

[The Seamstress]

Because the little ponies formed a trade union and successfully campaigned for their rights, leading to them not being subject to the sovereign's whims and empire-ing anymore. Subsequently many of them went on to live more independently, leaving their abusive coach- and warhorseing contracts for other professions, mostly hay trade, fertilizer production, and higher education, with the first little pony earning a law degree in 1871. Some of them became politicians, naturally, while others committed themselves to frolicking on meadows. The latter turned out to greatly benefit the tourism industry.


If Caesar lived today, what job would he do? (He's not allowed to do politics.)

[Jubal]

He'd run a Little Caesar's, surely


Why doesn't the D&D Monster Manual include salmonmice for the owlbears to eat?

[The Seamstress]

(Now that I know what owlbears are...) For salmonmice not being a thing in the monster manual there have been many theories brought up by the most knowledgeable scholars. Some say salmonmice exist but are probably no monsters, so naturally aren't listed in a monster manual; others are convinced that salmonmice are a myth, given they pose a significant bio-logic problem - how and where is a being half salmon, half mouse supposed to live? In the water? Then the mouse part drowns. On land? The salmon part won't like that. So unfortunately there cannot be one definitive answer as long as these problems remain unsolved.


What's the best idea a penguin ever had?

[Jubal]

Curiously enough, the invention of stripy toothpaste.



Why aren't gusles neon pink?

[The Seamstress]

Because there are no neon pink trees to cut them out of.

Why am I no rock star?