Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer

[Jubal]

Because a star, as a superheated fusion reaction, would melt the rock: the two states of rock and star are inherently incompatible.

Why doesn't making cups of tea solve all my problems for me?

[The Seamstress]

Unfortunately, cups of tea can only bring a little comfort, not solve complex human problems. The cups aren't that smart, and the tea, though smarter, is liquid, so their operating radius is very limited.

If an elephant, an oven, and a rose bush were magic-ed into one being, what would it look like, eat, or do?

[Jubal]

I think that's how blemmyae are born.


You've heard of the left hand of darkness but what is the right foot of twilight?

[The Seamstress]

"Light is the left hand of darkness, and darkness the right hand of light", so since twilight happens in the mornings and evenings, the opposite of twilight is also twilight. For the sake of balance, twilight is the right foot of twilight, and twilight the left foot of twilight. This makes no sense at all, of course.


What do dogs and great diving beetles have in common?

[Jubal]

They're both called Fido more often than you'd expect anything should be called Fido.

When is a hobbit not a hobbit?

[The Seamstress]

When he's a no-bbit.


When there's a Mothman, why is there no Butterflyman, Beeman, or Bugman?

[Jubal]

Because when there's a mothman, it's night-time and the others are all asleep.


Why is the city from the Witcher called Novigrad not Yesvigrad?

[The Seamstress]

Because there's no... vigrad? Whatever that is.


What's the real, secret purpose of laundry baskets?

[Jubal]

To deter gents.


Why aren't mountaintops more colourful?

[The Seamstress]

They are, actually, but humans can't see it. Research with talking chamoises revealed that only they themselves and goats can see the colours, but only at full moon and with special rock crystal telescopes.


What was revealed in The Highly Ominous Ancient Scroll found in The Highly Ominous Hidden Vault?

[Jubal]

The Highly Ominous Text of Highly Ominous Omens about Highly Ominous Occurrences featuring Highly Ominous Omnivores.


What if a rabbit had crab instincts?

[The Seamstress]

It would hop sideways and wave its front paws to communicate.


Why is the earth not flat?

[Jubal]

Because nobody listens to us Norfolk folks. We told them, we did, that no good would come of all these lumps and bumps. If god had meant us to climb, we said, he wouldn't have given us webbed feet. But did they listen? Did they, my sweet cow Mirabelle. And now look where we're at! Now look at it! Can't see past all these newfangled horizons and hills and what have you. I ask you, really...


If you wish upon a star, and starfish exist, why can't you wish upon a clown given that clownfish exist?

[The Seamstress]

Because, as everyone knows, stars are magically charged, and if you wish upon one, the magic helps to grant your wish. That's also why people make wishes on shooting stars, for the extra swift wish-granting as the star releases magic really fast when it falls and goes whoosh. (Starfish absorb some of that energy when shooting stars fall into the sea, hence their name.) Clowns on the other hand are just people in silly costumes and makeup, they have no magic, they're not even funny. They sometimes scare kids. And adults. (Clownfish aren't funny, either, but they're at least a little cute.) So a clown won't grant you a wish, unless you wish to be bored or scared.


A raccoon, a giant sentient potato, and a spy walk (or, in the potato's case, roll) into a café at 7 pm. At midnight, the spy is dead, the raccoon wears the spy's hat and is very intoxicated, the potato lies unconscious in the street and the café is slowly burning down. What happened between 7 pm and midnight to have caused this devastation?

[Jubal]

The wash-bear was laundering money and weed,
And the spy looked too close at its terrible deeds,
So the little raccoon took the hat from that soul,
Which happened to include a summoning scroll,
All laced in the hatband for desperate times,
(Like making a bin bandit pay for its crimes)
But the tato bystander, confused, read it out,
And the devious raccoon won a duelling bout,
With the spy who bled out on the cafe room floor,
As a demonic presence appeared with a roar,
And the raccoon it fled, as raccoons often do,
And thus comes the end of this tale most true,
For the cafe burned down with the fires of hell,
And the tato rolled out: that was how the chips fell.


Why aren't moles automatically signed up for union membership?