Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer

[Jubal]

Because Donald Rumsfeld told us about them.


Why isn't Bordeaux owned by Botswana?

[The Seamstress]

Because Botswana already owns too many bots. No room for anything else.


What is *really* going on?

[Jubal]

I'm making tea!


Why can't I put all my pain into a little jar and throw it away?

[The Seamstress]

Because little jars are for jam, pesto & such. What you would need is Dr. Öxüäf's Automatic Pain Neutralizer Jar 4000™, but that's not authorised for the terrestrial market yet, unfortunately.


What if clouds were made of spun sugar?

[Jubal]

If clouds were made of spun sugar they would burn when jets passed through them, and the world would be turned into a giant atmospheric inferno, an apocalypse of burnt sugary death, coming down to earth with the foul smelling smoke of futures unmade through that flaming death of caramelised doom.

Why thing go buzz?

[The Seamstress]

Because there's bees inside. Bees are inside everything that goes buzz.


Why don't electric fans take off and fly away more often, given they're made of little propellers?

[Jubal]

Because they're really based on boat propellers, so they would actually rather dive: but being electric this would go badly, so they stay still and get grumpy about it.

What lurks beneath the bottoms of kettles?

[The Seamstress]

Tiny parts of Mr. Monroe Mettles, who shrunk to the size of rose petals after having experimented with eating psychedelic nettles (but that's a secret that only unsettles).


Who really wrote the Voynich manuscript and what does it say?

[Jubal]

A platypus wrote it, and it says hi.


Why aren't phones more friend shaped?

[The Seamstress]

Because usually friends aren't phone shaped.


How can I make my MA thesis write itself?

[Jubal]

Just finish the thesis, hold a pen wedged in the resulting book, and write "i t s e l f" on some paper.

Why can't I have more hugs?

[The Seamstress]

Because they're currently out of stock and new delivery will take a while.


What's the major difference between a parrot and a voice recorder?

[Jubal]

One looks a lot weirder when you perch it on a pirate's shoulder.

Why aren't cameras better at remaining level?

[The Seamstress]

Because they're eager to jump to the next level, so they're constantly wobbling excitedly.

If the Mona Lisa came to life, what would be the first thing she'd say?

[Jubal]

"Ampersand."


When will the crack in my wall open and let the Wall Fae out?