Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer

[Tusky]

Chicken.

I need to season my chair, but can only seem to find table salt in the shops. Does anyone know where I can get different salt types, please?

[Jubal]

Bordeaux, or the Vienna Christmas markets. I bought some oregano flower-of-salt in the former and some lavender salt in the latter before Christmas.

Why not me function?

[Tusky]

It's either brain moths or tiredness. I'm going to go with brain moths

Why are there no Ravens on my house ?

[Jubal]

Need more pavin' for the raven.

If there is such thing as the gherkin, what is then the mysterious gher that they have kinship to?

[Tusky]

It's a Phylum, shared by the band gwar, Gurkhas, and gurgling. All of these are known for being oval.

Why is golf so boring?

[Jubal]

I fell asleep five times trying to work it out.

Is tea really just passive aggressive coffee?

[Tusky]

Black tea is. Green tea is coffee on laxatives.

What happens when a demolition derby is hosted in Derby?

[Jubal]

It demolishes Derby, and all future races of that kind are forced to be simply known as demolitions.

If there are toothpicks, are there toothdwarfs to wield them?

[Glaurung]

Yes, there are toothdwarves. Their motto is "We can never dig too deep." You do not want to find them at your dentist.

If androids dream of electric sheep, what do vampires dream of?

[Tusky]

I heard that it was about anaemic black puddings.

Why is my ginger and lemon tea not ginger? It's more a sort of watery yellow. I'm thinking of returning the box.

[Jubal]

It reflects the lack of ginger in your soul.

Where did we put the Exilian coronation regalia?

[Tusky]

Have you checked Westminster Abbey where the royal coronation regalia is kept? If not it might be in the cupboard under the sink.

If we hollowed out Mars, filled it with helium and made the universe's most enormous balloon, what sort of party would it be appropriate for?

[Ierne]

The 19th Duke of Carmarthenshire's 185th birthday party.

Who is invited to the 19th Duke of Carmarthenshire's 185th birthday party?

[Jubal]

Psychopomps mostly.

Why did the 19th Duke of Carmarthenshire invite psychopomps to his 185th birthday party?

[Tusky]

Because they said they would not be able to attend his 186th birthday party, and have long been fixtures at the birthday parties of the Earl of Gwent.

I'm sick of repairing punctures on my bike. Can we please replace all the tiny bits of stone and shell that cause punctures with something more harmless, like small bits of paper or jam?