King of the Hill

[Jubal]

I send leafcutter ants which leave you embarrassed and lacking in leaf disguise. You are forced to flee to obtain clothes.

My hill.

[Ierne]

I march up the hill with an anteater. Your ant army is gone, destroyed in minutes.

My hill.

[Jubal]

I throw waves and waves more ants at the hill until your anteater falls asleep from overeating, and then march in and retake control, building a fine Grecian villa on the hilltop and planting vineyards.

[Tusky]

I bring along some members of the Herules tribe, and tell them the Villa belongs to some Romans. They rush in and tear it down.

My hill

[Jubal]

I summon a horde of angry Georgians who get enraged at the damage done to my vineyards, and they chase the Herules out again. Few things make a Georgian upset like the disruption of wine making.

[Tusky]

a horde of angry Georgians who get enraged at the damage done to my vineyards

Since they started angry, and then got enraged - their fury must have reached unimaginably feverish levels. As such I broadcast some soothing music, and disguise a few hypnotists as Georgians to infiltrate the horde - and make them believe that the wine making is not really that disrupted.  The more sedate group of Georgians wander home for their tea.
I form a defensive hypnotist perimeter around

My hill.

[Jubal]

ROBOTS.

ROBOTS. CANNOT. BE. HYPNOTISED.

MY. HILL.

[Tusky]

I do a highly effective rain dance that make the robots get wet and have all electricity over them. They also go: bzzt, fzzz, crrrkzzz and make other associated wet robot noises.

My damp hill.

[Jubal]

I keep doing the rain dance and a torrent of water washes the whole hill away, where I collect it in sifting buckets downstream and reassemble it.

My hill.

[Glaurung]

The Campaign for Real Topography declares that your reconstituted hill is fake, and refuses to recognise it. Irked, you leave in search of some better accepted geographical feature. I walk up and take possession of the large "not a real hill" bulge in the ground.

My (unofficial but still substantial) hill!

[Jubal]

I undertake a decade long campaign to infiltrate and take over the Campaign for Real Topography, ultimately filling its board with my loyal followers. Our first act is to declare that the hill is a hill, and that it shall be named Jubal's Hill in perpetuity.

My Hill!

[Tusky]

I undertake a decade long campaign to infiltrate and take over the Campaign for Real Topography, ultimately filling its board with buffoons. I persuade them to agree that "perpetuity" is a real place, a sort of imaginary one that doesn't really exist. I go on to reason that since the hill is only known as "Jubal's hill" somewhere made up - it should be known as something in the real world. I suggest "tusky's hill", since he is the best at spotting administrative oversights, and has the most magnificent tusks.

They agree.

My hill.

[Jubal]

I spit upon your bureaucracy and invade the hill with a good old fashioned mongol horde.

My hill!

[Glaurung]

In a turn that surely no-one could have predicted, the Mongol leader dies, and the entire horde must travel thousands of miles back to their homeland to choose a new leader. The hill is unoccupied.

I arrive with a team of friendly wombats. They construct a system of tunnelled fortifications (the tunnels are all numbered, but for reasons they will not explain, the wombats omit Tunnel 17) and carefully scour the hill for any signs of magical space rifts, sentient statues, skin lizards and other such oddities.

My hill!

[Tusky]

I bring a carefully selected team of action movie stars, headed up by Sylvester Stallone. I call them the extendables. They come in with fake guns and special effects. They make quite a fuss, alarming the wombats and causing them to run away.

My hill.